Vicariously through you...

There is something about detoxing that supposedly clears your mind along with the rest of you...

I have a few epiphanies when i go through my detox...a lot of them are self revelations...

I tend to say how i feel and mean it when i say them. But as i reflect now, i've been lying to myself. Am i such a girl scorn that i can no longer feel on my own? I lied when i said that i was no longer cold hearted and that i was feeling alive again, because i havent, and i wont, and im not.

I cant really explain why im "scorn". My ex's werent bad people, so i wasnt melodramatically hurt by them. I wasnt really hurt all that much. Sad, but not hurt. I havent really had bad experiences to be drawing these inverted feelings from either. Im superficially laughing if im on my own. The only times i actually "feel" are the times im feeling my friends' happiness, sorrows, or banality. Or when i read a book and feel what the characters are going through...

I cant really explain why im living vicariously through my friends, but i realise that all this time ive been joking about "living vicariously through them"...i shouldnt have been joking, as i was actually doing so.

Im trying to decipher this blankness, the total lack of emotion. I guess i should be thankful that im still feeling anything at all, even if its through my friends' experiences. heh. Or some character's plot to the story.

I just dont really understand what brought me here, to where i am today? So, i can sorta, i guess try to reverse it...?

I would like to feel again, my own ray of sunshine...