Breaking up is hard on everyone...

It is really bad when u say that things will be continued and the story will be completed at a later date...so that the burgeoning urge is satisfied, but alas - i'm a terrible person who does not bother to continue when the moment of storytelling is over!

The past two long weekends have been, honestly, the whirlwind i described!

The most poignant moments would be the realisation of who or what people tolerate even when what they tolerate is indestructible to themselves and the nite my relationship had ended with my then boyfriend.

When i think of friends i think of someone u can rely on...someone who supports you and your decisions no matter what...someone who treats you with mutual respect and a person who honestly cares about you - your few most closest friends are even the ones that are like your surrogate brothers or sisters, people you truly love!

What do you do about a close friend of yours who tolerates the rudeness and non-friend-like attitudes of his/her close buddies???
These "buddies" are not close friends of yours, they are not even friends...they are mere acquaintances who you met through that close friend who seems to be walked all over like a mat...

I feel saddened by the fact that this friend of mine is not more agressive...i do agree with them that there is no point in getting angry with those "friends" that aren't really friends...but why do people tolerate such behaviour?

The other poignant moment was the end of my relationship with the Bf....who i guess i should refer to as my Ex. Like everyone who knows me, they know that my Ex would give me the world if he could...we went on a break(some time apart like a separation) upon his insistance - which i think was much due to him trying to hold on to me...and what we shared...

Gratefully, and due to much awareness brought to him through my answers and his conversations with friends who were consoling him he soon understood that when i said it was ME and not HIM...that it was honestly ME and not him at all...

I felt and still feel like either i have not grown or changed in any way...that my life has been static to the extent that the much needed communication that i love sharing with people became stale - i no longer conversed with people on a deeper level, it was all small talk! And that is not me...

I lack the passion that i once had and i think that is due to the fact that i no longer feel passionate about anything....and this is not the fault of my Ex...its my own fault...i stopped doing things that i felt passionately about.

I have come to realise that i need some "time-out" time for me....so that i can do the things i once loved and try to open my heart to allow myself to feel love...

I cheated on him emotionally and spiritually...because i was cold and closed off my heart the moment he hurt me a little. I need the time to repair myself, to heal so that i can not only forgive....but to also forget. I said that i forgave him...and i did....but i never let it go or had forgotten the anger and frustration. Which i feel also contributed to our breaking up...and as i said...its really me and not him.

its terrible to say, but i think its true...nice guys are not enough...although they are the guys who treat you like a princess and spoil you - which is what girls want (loose generalisation)...as a girl I want to know that I earnt it be treated like a princess and more. I want to know that i had made my contribution to the relationship and that he was doing this out of love and knowing that it was appreciated and that he realised that he was loved for it. Being given everything by a nice guy...even if you didnt intend on taking advantage of him in the beginning...u slowly do, which is sad - as you never meant to hurt anyone.

*sigh*

life goes on...

i'm happy it ended up being a mutual understanding that the break-up would be beneficial for both parties.
but im sad that a chapter of my life ended abruptly...but its for the better good of my soul!

If i die today...

My week since Monday has been a whirlwind...
It started with my near death experience...i was crossing the road at a zebra crossing, and the stoopid drive in a white car with his wife in the front passenger seat stopped about 10cm away from me...and he was trying to turn left as i nearly finished crossing the road! I yelled at him, calling him a stupid driver and asking if he was blind. He pointed at me and yelled back.

Now, when he yelled back at me I once again yelled at him calling him really crude (and using highly obscene language) names.

I then continued walking...now 2 mins after this occured I thought to myself....with the large umbrella that I was holding, I should have thumped and dented the bonnet of the car. OR I could have stood there for a few minutes and given him the shits and wait until he apologised to me for being a totally dumb idiot who nearly hit me with his car!!!

It is soo ironic that all of this came to my mind after the situation had occured and I had already stepped away from the scene!

I guess life is funny this way...moments of inspiration come from no where...but in all honesty I guess it was good that the idea didnt occur to me until after...as I would have caused a really BIG scene!

TBC

This is my first entry...

I wondered what i should write about.

Im left with a lot of self doubt. I guess, im thinking "Whats the point in writing on a blogger???"

For so long i have neglected a sacred part of me...leaving it on its self-doing, not bothering to look at it or even acknowledge its existance...
I was once highly creative, winning awards for visual arts, scoring the best marks for my creative writing, even using witty retorts in debates so that no one could rebut my arguments!

The days in which i could hold a delightful and intriguing conversation has long passed.
I feel that i should be a flower on the wall, as all i can do now is smile and nod...with nothing to contribute or anything substantial to say.
It is pretty sad when u realise this...that u have not really grown in any way...u feel stagnant, knowing that u have not gained any knowledge worth knowing in the past 4-5 years of ur life!

So my decision to reconcile with my creative thinking was to start up my own blogger...so i could begin to write, and hopefully help me to gain back my skills in communication and also spurn my artistic talents to shine through...