My cousin, her husband, my funky valentine (nephew phillip), my lil sweetheart (my neice megan) all came up from Melbourne to celebrate my lil brother's Sweet 16th Bday for the weekend!
The ride from the airport to our home was a nightmare! We picked them up from the domestic terminal and my funky valentine was crook and so he was crying and throwing tantrums...*grrr*...
my lil sweetheart on the other hand didnt get agitated until we were 3/4 of the way home. then she started sulking sliding off the baby seat, etc.
when i was about 13 y/o...i told mum that i wasnt having kids.
i was sure of it!
back then, i was very career oriented. i wanted to become a doctor and to be exact a psychiatrist no less. if not a psychiatrist i would have to be a neurologist. previously i wanted to be a fashion designer...interior decorator...architect...then it led to being a doctor...
and since i was going to lead a very hectic life...i told mum that i was sure that kids wouldnt go well with my future lifestyle.
when i was 14-15 y/o i told her that i dont think i would want to have kids not only because of my future career, but also because i wouldnt be a good mother. i know that im an irresponsible person. i cant even take care of myself. why bring another child into the world if you cant take care of it? and there are so many children in the world that are orphans.
when i turned 18 y/o i was thinking about the world then, and it wasnt a nice place to bring a child into a world that may be ending (the whole y2k...the world is going to end thing).
for once mum didnt complain about it...whenever i mentioned it to her...she would usually ask me "well who is going to call me grandmother in that way - ur my only daughter?" (in chinese and vietnamese there are 2 different ways on calling family members, depending on whether they are related through ur mother or father.)
she agreed with me. she didnt think it would be a good place, if we survived y2k - not knowing what would happen next...to bring a child into this world. she was against my brother and sister in-law in having Chloe...but she couldnt stop it. she didnt think it was right, as they were both soooo not prepared for it.
now at 22 y/o...i still affirm that i dont want kids but its not due to my career aspirations. i still conclude that im not going to be a good mother as im utterly selfish and still cant look after myself, let alone another being.
if the ride from the airport alone did not embed in my brain that i shouldnt have kids, the dinner last nite for my lil brother's birthday surely must have engraved the confirmation!?!
i always have to act as though i dont care...cos the moment i care and notice those lil beings movement...i feel as though im getting utterly violent and prepare to spank the lil bottoms. since i firmly believe that violence is not the answer esp with kids...i have to pretend that they are not there acting like lil brats, to avoid hitting them!
and since this demonstrates my hot temper...i think it shows that i should not be a mother!
and looking after 2 lil girls for a lunch time...let me just say that it was not fun...esp at yum cha!
-_-!
Monday, October 27, 2003
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Straight girl for the Queer 5!
I am absolutely loving the show Queer Eye for the straight guy - showcasing the Fabulous 5!
Last nites episode was the Fab 5 helping a guy prepare for the nite he proposes to his gf, in which he was living with for the past 2 years.
I was flabbergasted when they cleaned him up (and more so - the way they transformed the house in such short time.) Not that he was bad looking in the first place...he really looked like a model on the weekend with the 5 o'clock shadow on his face...so they cleaned him up...
I was in awe with those chocolate boxes filled with choc mousse and rasperries, and more importantly the ring in one of the 3 choccie boxes...i really want to try the Albanian choc that has a real minty flavour to it! (I like minty-freshness, even in chocolates!)
I was also in awe of the simple fact that this guy was Oh! soooo ROMANTIC...and he was inspired by the late greats of romance...he wanted to present his gf with the whole casablanca type of good lovin'...and he was chivalrous by heart.
I started to cry when he proposed and she took way too long to say yes! (He put in so much effort...) The Fab 5 thought she was preparing a "NO!" just as much as i was anticipating it!...the way her face looked indicated a negative reply...but she said that she would love nothing more than to be his wife! *awwwww*
^_^
Now...when i think about it...
If you were given the proposition of the Fab 5 from Queer Eye or all of the crushes you have had in the last year? I'd choose the Fab 5.
If you were given the proposition of the Fab 5 from Queer Eye or 5 guys from the last 200 guys on earth? I'd definately choose the Fab 5.
If you were given the proposition of the Fab 5 from Queer Eye or the last supermodel looking man on earth? I'd still choose the Fab 5.
FAB 5 win hands down!
*LoL*
Who wouldnt want a guy that was well groomed, dressed fashionably, cultured, handy and decorative, and cooks?! (That could teach u too..)
Well, if u cant find one guy, why not have five that know what they are doing and always do it well???
Last nites episode was the Fab 5 helping a guy prepare for the nite he proposes to his gf, in which he was living with for the past 2 years.
I was flabbergasted when they cleaned him up (and more so - the way they transformed the house in such short time.) Not that he was bad looking in the first place...he really looked like a model on the weekend with the 5 o'clock shadow on his face...so they cleaned him up...
I was in awe with those chocolate boxes filled with choc mousse and rasperries, and more importantly the ring in one of the 3 choccie boxes...i really want to try the Albanian choc that has a real minty flavour to it! (I like minty-freshness, even in chocolates!)
I was also in awe of the simple fact that this guy was Oh! soooo ROMANTIC...and he was inspired by the late greats of romance...he wanted to present his gf with the whole casablanca type of good lovin'...and he was chivalrous by heart.
I started to cry when he proposed and she took way too long to say yes! (He put in so much effort...) The Fab 5 thought she was preparing a "NO!" just as much as i was anticipating it!...the way her face looked indicated a negative reply...but she said that she would love nothing more than to be his wife! *awwwww*
^_^
Now...when i think about it...
If you were given the proposition of the Fab 5 from Queer Eye or all of the crushes you have had in the last year? I'd choose the Fab 5.
If you were given the proposition of the Fab 5 from Queer Eye or 5 guys from the last 200 guys on earth? I'd definately choose the Fab 5.
If you were given the proposition of the Fab 5 from Queer Eye or the last supermodel looking man on earth? I'd still choose the Fab 5.
FAB 5 win hands down!
*LoL*
Who wouldnt want a guy that was well groomed, dressed fashionably, cultured, handy and decorative, and cooks?! (That could teach u too..)
Well, if u cant find one guy, why not have five that know what they are doing and always do it well???
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
I want to be a Supermodel!
I want to be pretty like a Supermodel...actually, just pretty like any model!
heh.
*sigh*
/me weeps...
I think i should face up to the fact that:
I will never be toned and slender!
I will never be tall!
I wont have a sparkling smile - ever!
Clothes will always fit funny on me...
I wont ever be able to find a good pair of jeans that fit.
I will always be ashamed of wearing a swimsuit on the beach...least to say a bikini!
I will have leg problems in about 5 years because im vertically challenged and wear heels too often to compensate for it!
You see...at this point i should be crying...like all the other times i get really really upset about the way i look!
But miraculously im not...
I think im more numb from the self realisation.
I should be grateful that im not one half of a siemese twin joined in a weird position that would make it dangerous for doctors to separate me from my twin, or that im mutilated in any way. I should be grateful like my mother when she gave birth to me and the midwife said that I was a healthy baby girl with a head full of jet-black hair, 2 beautiful large eyes, 1 cute nose, 2 ears, 2 arms, 2 legs, 10 fingers, 10 toes, etc...
I should be grateful...but why dont i feel so?
heh.
*sigh*
/me weeps...
I think i should face up to the fact that:
I will never be toned and slender!
I will never be tall!
I wont have a sparkling smile - ever!
Clothes will always fit funny on me...
I wont ever be able to find a good pair of jeans that fit.
I will always be ashamed of wearing a swimsuit on the beach...least to say a bikini!
I will have leg problems in about 5 years because im vertically challenged and wear heels too often to compensate for it!
You see...at this point i should be crying...like all the other times i get really really upset about the way i look!
But miraculously im not...
I think im more numb from the self realisation.
I should be grateful that im not one half of a siemese twin joined in a weird position that would make it dangerous for doctors to separate me from my twin, or that im mutilated in any way. I should be grateful like my mother when she gave birth to me and the midwife said that I was a healthy baby girl with a head full of jet-black hair, 2 beautiful large eyes, 1 cute nose, 2 ears, 2 arms, 2 legs, 10 fingers, 10 toes, etc...
I should be grateful...but why dont i feel so?
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
I crave...
So now everyone knows that i have been detoxing and training almost mad. I havent eaten junk food for over 21 days (the amount of time to develop a habit).
On the weekend...the long weekend I had some fish and chips in a store in Manly and had a little bit of chocolate.
I use to eat so much chocolate...like in highschool...i lived by the slogan "a mars a day helps you work rest and play"...yeah i had a mars bar a day...sometimes even 2 bars a day! This was when i was frantically doing my art projects and pretty much did 3 months worth of work in 2 weeks with a minimal of 1-2hours per nite of sleep...and some nites without any at all. So...i REALLY needed the sugar!
=P
I use to crave sugar so much that it became a normal everyday thing. But since my detox i no longer crave it, if anything - by example of that nite i had a little bit of it...my body was rejecting it! After eating it i was unsettled and my tongue began to swell. I felt so uncomfortable and sick. So "byebye" to my chocolate cravings!
The oil from the fish and chips...well it was actually cooked quite well..and there was very little traces of oil on the food or the plate, but in my stomach...after i ate it...i bloated up...i never liked oily foods...now it is obvious that my body wont take it!
What i crave for now is meat...beef, chicken, fish, pork, etc...i cut out a lot of meat from my diet...almost vegan...but ive eaten a little here and there...its funny how things change - what u crave for. I like eating all kinds of greens...and herbs...like mint and corriander...i use to push it away from my food...now i eat the lot!
I also noticed some other things that i have started to crave for...in terms of my needs. I need someone to talk to sometimes...someone i can just tell everything to. Let down my guards and just let it all flow out!
I need some intimacy with someone...someone i can sit close to, lean my head against their shoulder or chest...someone to gaze into their eyes as they gaze into mine as we speak to eachother...
I need someone to hold hands with...to feel someone's stronger grip around mine, makng me feel secure.
I also need hugs, not the simple *pat pat* hugs from friends...close and warm hugs...the type that u receive from your partner...
I also need a "potential"...i need a potential someone to give my "pursue me" time to.
I dont want marriage material boys...im not ready for marriage...i just want someone to make myself pretty for, now and again - in my attempt to impress them.
I want to have some fun flirting with someone who will flirt back - who i want to flirt back to me...
Thats what i crave...
On the weekend...the long weekend I had some fish and chips in a store in Manly and had a little bit of chocolate.
I use to eat so much chocolate...like in highschool...i lived by the slogan "a mars a day helps you work rest and play"...yeah i had a mars bar a day...sometimes even 2 bars a day! This was when i was frantically doing my art projects and pretty much did 3 months worth of work in 2 weeks with a minimal of 1-2hours per nite of sleep...and some nites without any at all. So...i REALLY needed the sugar!
=P
I use to crave sugar so much that it became a normal everyday thing. But since my detox i no longer crave it, if anything - by example of that nite i had a little bit of it...my body was rejecting it! After eating it i was unsettled and my tongue began to swell. I felt so uncomfortable and sick. So "byebye" to my chocolate cravings!
The oil from the fish and chips...well it was actually cooked quite well..and there was very little traces of oil on the food or the plate, but in my stomach...after i ate it...i bloated up...i never liked oily foods...now it is obvious that my body wont take it!
What i crave for now is meat...beef, chicken, fish, pork, etc...i cut out a lot of meat from my diet...almost vegan...but ive eaten a little here and there...its funny how things change - what u crave for. I like eating all kinds of greens...and herbs...like mint and corriander...i use to push it away from my food...now i eat the lot!
I also noticed some other things that i have started to crave for...in terms of my needs. I need someone to talk to sometimes...someone i can just tell everything to. Let down my guards and just let it all flow out!
I need some intimacy with someone...someone i can sit close to, lean my head against their shoulder or chest...someone to gaze into their eyes as they gaze into mine as we speak to eachother...
I need someone to hold hands with...to feel someone's stronger grip around mine, makng me feel secure.
I also need hugs, not the simple *pat pat* hugs from friends...close and warm hugs...the type that u receive from your partner...
I also need a "potential"...i need a potential someone to give my "pursue me" time to.
I dont want marriage material boys...im not ready for marriage...i just want someone to make myself pretty for, now and again - in my attempt to impress them.
I want to have some fun flirting with someone who will flirt back - who i want to flirt back to me...
Thats what i crave...
Thursday, October 02, 2003
Me against the world...
I think it started when i was born.
I was blessed as a beautiful baby. Ask anyone, and they will tell you i looked like a doll...perfect symmetry in the face, large black eyes like two polished onyx stones, black silky hair that was oh so thick. My face was white as snow and my cheeks were like two rosebuds imprinted on the apple.
I was the cutest thing ever.
My uncle would refuse to eat if i wasnt in his presence.
I was the first born girl for the next generation of my family - so of course everyone loved me for that simple fact. Other than that, i WAS beautiful...undeniably...simply gorgeous...breath taking even...cute as a button...*sigh* But i grew up...turned ugly and it does feel like the world is against me.
I use to study until i basically had no sleep at nite just so that i could achieve my best...It all started in Year 9 in highschool...beginning of the end...it turned out not to be for my best after all...*double sigh*
Its like every time i try...i succeed in failing.
Relationships...dont even talk to me about that subject.
Failed #1/2...which wasnt really a relationship at all...
Failed #1...bad choice?
Failed #2...another bad decision taken...
Failed #3...i actually thought i was ready for a relationship again...
Note to self: You will never be ready you commitment phobe!
Im in my 5th year at Uni doing a degree that im uncertain as to what i will do with it once i actually get it. And even that is in itself a big "IF i get it". One subject lingering...and im so scared that i will fail it AGAIN...i may be reduced to tears soon...exams are only 4 weeks away!!! *panic attack*...i still dont feel like ive learnt anything this semester...*even bigger sigh*
...and...?
I was overweight as a kid...well i wasnt really...but being asian...if ur slighty bigger than the average bones and skin...ur basically FAT. I was only 10 years old when i was told by someone to "diet". That someone was a person that i never thought would judge me as so, especially when they were that close to me. Imagine my self esteem...wait...unless u have been told that u are "overweight" or "fat" by ur family or family friends...then u wont know how it feels, so dont even try to imagine what my self esteem was like!
All this time...i guess i have been obsessed with losing weight...trying to achieve what i think is perfect. There was a period of time where i wasnt even thinking about it...i was just happy to be me and i was happy with the size i was. That soon fizzled, cos my confidence was shot and soon i began obsessing again...i jogged/ran around the local oval...over and over again every morning with dedication of an elite athlete...
I dont think im obsessive about it now, im just challenging myself to reach my goal.
I was fired on Tuesday 23rd Sept 2003 at approximately 1:10pm. I was going to quit...and the bloody bastard beat me to it! *Grr*...i worked really hard for that company, i even stressed for them...and this is how they pay me! I stayed out of office politics...i didnt care for the gossip...and then my ex-friggin "sexually challenged" manager decides to pick on me. I take action and he fires me cos i "dobbed" him in for picking on the staff in the department!
Trust no one...
I got home straight after he fired me and i called all my agencies that afternoon. They called back for interviews to "touch-base" and so on Wednesday i went to interviews, by Thursdays i was offered 4 different roles! On Friday i went to another interview for a position that was most flexible and i got it right away - so i accepted it then and there!
So up yours u prick!!!
I fell sick with what seemed like a never ending virus about 1-2 months ago...i couldnt take antibiotics cos it wouldnt have helped either way and the only thing i could take was panadol and my allergy medication, that wasnt really working anyways...i would cough and what i thought and felt was a chesty cough, turned out to be a dry irritating one!
This is what i get for not going to my doc for a flu vaccination this winter!
When i get sick, its like a bloody curse...i put on weight...yes yes...ino people tend to lose weight...cos they lose their appetite and pretty much just welt like a dying flower...but i, even though all i do is drink water, and i eat very little...i stack on the weight. cos i wasnt allowed to exercise...as an alternate to the intense cardio workouts i usually do, i walked 15 mins to and from work and did body balance classes to stretch and yet i still put on the weight! So much that i had rolls over the top of the waistband on my pants or skirts.
Rolls...there were rolls...
I went on my own version of a detox after researching so much on it. I avoided foods with fats/sugars/junk/fatty meats/preservatives/dairy/salt and some other stuff. I eat fresh fruits and veges, or steamed veges, beans and legumes, soya products, aloe vera juice, freshly squeezed juices...especially ones designed to detoxify or cleanse your system...like Boost's liver cleanser *yuk cos it had beetroot in it* but i drank it regardless...and it was good at flushing the body!
I started my interval training with my trainer and its been good...
I have been bigger than my brothers for so long...albeit my younger brother is 6 years younger...but now he is a teenager...i sort of prefer to be lighter in weight than he is since im shorter. My older brother was heavier the moment he got engaged and cushy with his "married man" lifestyle and he let go...literally, he let himself go!!!
And since my detoxing...i have reached a milestone! *woo hoo* I'm lighter than my younger brother. Like finally some form of redemption for my sad life...Finally the world has given back for all the times it has taken from me! This is really tiring me out...i cant keep on going on like this and just keep on taking the knock backs. I mean there is only SO much a person can take.
Once again *WOO HOO!!!*
I was blessed as a beautiful baby. Ask anyone, and they will tell you i looked like a doll...perfect symmetry in the face, large black eyes like two polished onyx stones, black silky hair that was oh so thick. My face was white as snow and my cheeks were like two rosebuds imprinted on the apple.
I was the cutest thing ever.
My uncle would refuse to eat if i wasnt in his presence.
I was the first born girl for the next generation of my family - so of course everyone loved me for that simple fact. Other than that, i WAS beautiful...undeniably...simply gorgeous...breath taking even...cute as a button...*sigh* But i grew up...turned ugly and it does feel like the world is against me.
I use to study until i basically had no sleep at nite just so that i could achieve my best...It all started in Year 9 in highschool...beginning of the end...it turned out not to be for my best after all...*double sigh*
Its like every time i try...i succeed in failing.
Relationships...dont even talk to me about that subject.
Failed #1/2...which wasnt really a relationship at all...
Failed #1...bad choice?
Failed #2...another bad decision taken...
Failed #3...i actually thought i was ready for a relationship again...
Note to self: You will never be ready you commitment phobe!
Im in my 5th year at Uni doing a degree that im uncertain as to what i will do with it once i actually get it. And even that is in itself a big "IF i get it". One subject lingering...and im so scared that i will fail it AGAIN...i may be reduced to tears soon...exams are only 4 weeks away!!! *panic attack*...i still dont feel like ive learnt anything this semester...*even bigger sigh*
...and...?
I was overweight as a kid...well i wasnt really...but being asian...if ur slighty bigger than the average bones and skin...ur basically FAT. I was only 10 years old when i was told by someone to "diet". That someone was a person that i never thought would judge me as so, especially when they were that close to me. Imagine my self esteem...wait...unless u have been told that u are "overweight" or "fat" by ur family or family friends...then u wont know how it feels, so dont even try to imagine what my self esteem was like!
All this time...i guess i have been obsessed with losing weight...trying to achieve what i think is perfect. There was a period of time where i wasnt even thinking about it...i was just happy to be me and i was happy with the size i was. That soon fizzled, cos my confidence was shot and soon i began obsessing again...i jogged/ran around the local oval...over and over again every morning with dedication of an elite athlete...
I dont think im obsessive about it now, im just challenging myself to reach my goal.
I was fired on Tuesday 23rd Sept 2003 at approximately 1:10pm. I was going to quit...and the bloody bastard beat me to it! *Grr*...i worked really hard for that company, i even stressed for them...and this is how they pay me! I stayed out of office politics...i didnt care for the gossip...and then my ex-friggin "sexually challenged" manager decides to pick on me. I take action and he fires me cos i "dobbed" him in for picking on the staff in the department!
Trust no one...
I got home straight after he fired me and i called all my agencies that afternoon. They called back for interviews to "touch-base" and so on Wednesday i went to interviews, by Thursdays i was offered 4 different roles! On Friday i went to another interview for a position that was most flexible and i got it right away - so i accepted it then and there!
So up yours u prick!!!
I fell sick with what seemed like a never ending virus about 1-2 months ago...i couldnt take antibiotics cos it wouldnt have helped either way and the only thing i could take was panadol and my allergy medication, that wasnt really working anyways...i would cough and what i thought and felt was a chesty cough, turned out to be a dry irritating one!
This is what i get for not going to my doc for a flu vaccination this winter!
When i get sick, its like a bloody curse...i put on weight...yes yes...ino people tend to lose weight...cos they lose their appetite and pretty much just welt like a dying flower...but i, even though all i do is drink water, and i eat very little...i stack on the weight. cos i wasnt allowed to exercise...as an alternate to the intense cardio workouts i usually do, i walked 15 mins to and from work and did body balance classes to stretch and yet i still put on the weight! So much that i had rolls over the top of the waistband on my pants or skirts.
Rolls...there were rolls...
I went on my own version of a detox after researching so much on it. I avoided foods with fats/sugars/junk/fatty meats/preservatives/dairy/salt and some other stuff. I eat fresh fruits and veges, or steamed veges, beans and legumes, soya products, aloe vera juice, freshly squeezed juices...especially ones designed to detoxify or cleanse your system...like Boost's liver cleanser *yuk cos it had beetroot in it* but i drank it regardless...and it was good at flushing the body!
I started my interval training with my trainer and its been good...
I have been bigger than my brothers for so long...albeit my younger brother is 6 years younger...but now he is a teenager...i sort of prefer to be lighter in weight than he is since im shorter. My older brother was heavier the moment he got engaged and cushy with his "married man" lifestyle and he let go...literally, he let himself go!!!
And since my detoxing...i have reached a milestone! *woo hoo* I'm lighter than my younger brother. Like finally some form of redemption for my sad life...Finally the world has given back for all the times it has taken from me! This is really tiring me out...i cant keep on going on like this and just keep on taking the knock backs. I mean there is only SO much a person can take.
Once again *WOO HOO!!!*
