Eyes Big!

In chinese, the term that your "eyes are big" doesnt necessarily mean that u have large beautiful eyes.
I mean it could mean that, but its also a saying, maybe a proverb...im not sure.

In chiew chow, ino it to mean that u are some what greedy. Always wanting more and that u are never satisfied with what u have.
Sometimes it can be a positive thing tho, like u see what other ppl have experienced - like when they have travelled and u want to experience it too. But u work hard so that u can go and travel like other's have. Having "eyes big" can also mean that u are determined to get what u want, u're motivated to succeed! That u are highly observant and nothing can pass u without u noticing.

Its a negative attribute when u become fickle and u chop and change between decisions without a second thought on what the consequences might be. Its a wretched situation to be in if ur the type of person who regrets their actions. Especially when ur chasing after money...what i mean by that, is that ur decisions are made soley based on money, or 'how much you will get out of it?' - that type of thing.

I've done somethings due to the "eyes being too big". But i dont regret them. I usually get overwhelmed by what lies ahead of me and thats when i want to experience more (part greediness, part learning curve). I'm getting that itchy feeling of travelling. My best friend sent a postcard from London right before she left to go to Vienna. Although the weather has been morbid in London and she is freezing her butt off going from one place to the next...she is having a blast!

I'm happy for her, but i want my blast too.

So, i shall be stringent with my money and save save save! So that i can go on my European Holiday! Then i can go on my Asian Holiday - after this whole bird flu finishes. Then...i can go everywhere else i have missed out on! hahahaha...my eyes are getting sore from my lids being stretched out way too far!
=P

Naked! Exposed! Whatever!

Have u ever watched "Never Been Kissed", the Drew Barrymore movie?

I feel like her character, Josie Geller in the scene at the end of the movie where she stands on the pitch in a baseball field waiting for the guy of her dreams to come and give her her first real kiss. In this scene...there are all these camera ppl, and journalists, reporters, and supporters on the sides and in the stalls...they are all there waiting in anticipation for her "dream guy" to come...there is a timer just clocking down.
...down.
...down.
Closer and closer to 0.

And there was one point in which everyone let out a sigh of disappointment because they were certain that he wasnt going to show...but in true hollywood style, of course "dream guy" turns up and everyone is celebrating as the two kiss!

Well, my story isnt a good fairytale ending...even though i was hoping.

Just like Josie, i wrote my article about the guy i met...and not that i expected him to read it (unlike the movie)...but i let everyone know how i felt and what had happened...and apparently everyone has been talking about it all week!

So, here i was...on the pitch waiting for his call...everyone a buzz waiting for him to call me, ppl there waiting for the goss, ppl there supporting me...after Day 3 of the Waiting game...he was a no show...and the clock is ticking...

Day 4, supporters are asking me..."Did he call you?"...my reply..."nope"... And so they turned around and ask if i would call him...? I didnt want to cos the ball was in his court! So, i did the supposed next best thing to check if he was interested...i sms'd him.

Since it was Chinese New Year's Eve...i thought i would sms a message wishing him a happy new year...*gasp* With a help of a friend (Thank U, uno who u are!), i sent a message that got a reply...it was quite bland...but at least he replied??? I sent another message back and then he replied to that one too. His msg indicated that he was at a concert and that it was "bloody awesome"! I sent another reply back, and that was the end of that.

I thought that by sending the sms, i would indicate to him that i was interested and i hoped that he would call after it...not right away, cos i knew he was busy...but the day after or the day after that...but that was Wednesday...and now its Saturday, so i dont know what the hell is going on?!

I feel like a complete failure...and ino im currently the "hot goss" amongst friends and acquaintances...which makes it worse...i didnt realise how many ppl either read my blog...or how many ppl loved to gossip! >_<

I feel crap...and although another friend told me that it was him that loses out in this situation...i still feel bad! (But Thank U to u too, all ur compliments made me smile...uno who u are!) I think i feel especially like a failure, cos to me...it only made it half way...many have said to me that I succeeded...cos he asked for my number and he was the one who gave me a kiss good bye...but i derno.

I've suprised some, cos they all think that im "confident" and "collected"...i guess they dont realise that a "confident" & "collected" person on the outside can still be highly insecure on the inside. I dont think im pretty...and although friends tell me that im attractive...it feels like they are just saying that to make me feel better or just cos they are my friends...

So, in some sense, i wanted some validation from a stranger! Which sounds a bit warped, but it makes sense to me. Cos strangers are not obliged to talking to u...and a guy doesnt usually talk to a girl that he doesnt find attractive! And he doesnt usually ask a girl for her number if he isnt impressed with her personality and would like to continue the conversation at a later stage! And he wouldnt kiss her goodbye if he didnt want to show her that he is interested...

Well, that was what i thought...but im resolved...i should have been harsh and kept to the "3 Day Grace period!" So, if he didnt call by then, i would give him the boot. But all my friends and collegues said to give him a week...but cos i gave him 5 days...it screwed me over! Not that he "didnt call" affected me so much...but i screwed myself emotionally with self doubt...and now i feel more crap than i have ever felt for a long time now!

I feel like i have exposed myself...and i have shown everyone my weaknesses...

I feel like everyone is snickering behind me, pointing and laughing cos i put myself out there and got rejected!

I feel like what i use to believe in is all so wrong...all those indicators that i use to be able to read in a guy which shows that he likes a girl, they are all false!

So, whats even scarier is the fact that my judgement is twisted or something...*ugh*

Grr...Optus!

I had a go at Optus...

Its fun being the Network Administrator...i got to crack my whip!

ahahahahaha

anyways...long weekend...fun fun fun!

The Last Samurai

One of the most erotic scenes i have ever scene:

When Taka asks Algren if he will honour her late husband by wearing his armour into battle and he accepts.

What makes this scene erotic is when Taka actually dresses Algren - not undressing him!

It is when she puts all the layers on him...and you can just feel the intimacy between the two.

...its breath taking...

Year of the Monkey

I was born in 1981 so basically that makes me a Rooster. Altho, i do prefer to call myself a Chicken...cos im female!
=P

*LoL*

This is a forecast of what a Chick's 2004 should be.

Career:
For 2004, the Chick is blessed with auspicious Career luck! Fortune, wealth and happiness is for the taking, so make full use of this situation to gain the best profit. And watch out for career advancement as well! This is the Career year for you.

Wealth:
Improve your credibility, reputation and public relations skills and you will be able to reach tremendous gains in Wealth! Try to retain to this accumulated wealth by not generating unnecessary expenses for entertainment.

Love:
Married Chicks will have a good relationship with his or her partner. Ensure it stays that way by not getting too close to members of the opposite sex: your partner will definitely not like that. The attached Chick might just tie the know come 2004 due to such auspicious stars for you!

Health:
Health might be on the decline for the Chick. With the career boost, the Chick might just push Health matters to the side. Don't! Avoid oily fast food, too much alcohol and do look out for road hazards while driving. You need the best health for the best prosperity!

If you want to find out what 2004 has installed for you, go to Chinese Astrology.

The waiting game...

Today is the third day of waiting and due to the fact that i am at work (thankfully) i am acting less gay then i would if i was at home.

For those who dont know, although i think everyone does by now...i met a guy on Saturday nite.

I'd declare his name...but i think that would be all too much...it all started with Jazz in the Domain - which was excellent and i was in the company of Mey and James S. I had invited myself and Mey to James' friends going away party (James was gonna go to it after Domain) which was suppose to be at Cargo Bar, but ended up at Pontoon.

We got there and had difficulty getting in as it was a "Full House" so the bouncer said unless we were on the "List" we could not get it...i told James to check if she did have our names on the list...and while James was calling her, the bouncer decided to just let us in. O_o Mey asked if i had flashed him? NO! So we got in and couldn't find James' friend and so he called her, she was still at Cargo and she said that she and her friends will be leaving now to go to Pontoon. We decided to dance anyways cos Mey's fav song - Milkshake by Kelis, was on. We ended up on the platform, and danced for a bit and the i started scoping the scene. It was a cool crowd to be honest, cos im tired of seeing just a bar full of asians. Its a breath of fresh air when u see a group of multicultural people hanging out together.

I spotted a guy who was one of the bartenders. But James didn't approve and thought he was a bit skinny...i was just saying that he looked alright! =P Then i happened to notice a guy in a bluish top and i thought he looked alright too...and its weird, cos Mey was trying to point him out, but she said it was a guy in a mustard coloured shirt! *LoL*

So, there I was trying to spot a guy with a mustard coloured shirt on! And i thought i was just extremely short sighted, but she was talking about the same guy...and i think she got fed up with me cos she then suggested, after pointing him out like 10 times, to go to the bar and get a drink and then along the way she could point him out. (He caught Mey and James pointing in his direction a few times too, btw...ahaha)

Mey thinks that he has a gorgeous smile and i do too, but what really took me back was the fact that he had nice arms! hehehe...

She points him out, and we go to the bar...i wait to be served and yet there is a rowdy bunch of drunks ordering more drinks and screaming at the male bartender who kept eyeing me but couldnt serve me cos they kept screaming out at him! So there we were waiting to be served and then he came along and stood to the right of the guy that was to the right of me (so he was a guy away from me). I was telling Mey that i was going to tell him that "my friend thinks ur cute!" and Mey was saying "Noooooo!" so i said..."Okay, i'll tell his friend (the guy next to me that wasn't his friend - so i actually rocked myself) to tell him that i think he is cute..." and Mey gave me the same reply "Noooo...im running away if u do!" I just laughed, i mean i wasnt going to say it was her, I was personally saying it - from me!

And thats what i did.

I leaned over and asked the blonde next to me to pass it on to "his friend" that i thought he was cute. The guy was a good sport, altho he said "that guy isnt my friend", i was like "oh, would you mind passing it on anyways?" and he did. He turned and said "Mate, the girl next to me thinks your cute!" He then leaned over the bar and said "Hi, and thanks!" with a beaming smile...*sigh*...ahhaahaha

The stoopid blonde barmaid ignored us altho we were there first and served the blonde guy next to me, and he was sweet and said that we were waiting first, otherwise she wouldnt have served us full stop. Once we got our drinks, and i dont know where this came from...but as we were walking off...i tapped him on his back and asked "So, what's your name?" And without looking like a fool i managed to pull it off! ahahahaa

I never thought i would be able to speak to someone at a bar, let alone a cute guy that i had never met before. Mey asked me how i managed to do that, and to be honest...i dont know? I've never spoken to a guy that i didnt happen to previously know, until that nite. I guess it helps when the other party is "cooperative", as she suggested.

It was a great conversation that lasted over an hour. I think i learnt a lot about him and it started off with just me asking his name and introducing myself to him. He asked me if i worked in the city, and i told him where i worked and he said he use to live close by, and then he told me where he lived now and asked where i lived...which led to where he initially came from. Where we studied, how long it took us to complete our degrees and the affects of working while studing. The fact that he is still studying - but doing something else. What i was planning to do now? I guessed his age from how long it took him to study, and i was right...he asked for my age...we talked about the fact that he lived in the city and then it led to grocery shopping, which led to his diet, which led to him becoming a personal trainer...i talked about pilates and the fact that i went to the gym as often as he did...

So, basically i had covered alot!

I also found out his nationality, how many siblings he has, how sweet his mum is...how his bro is in Melb...i told him that i just came back from Melb! Our conversation just flowed from one thing to the next with no hiccups. I was impressed. In the process he intro'd me to his friends, one by one. And there was a point where one of his friends was just hovering around and he asked his friend if he wanted a drink? I think it was a ploy to get him away from us so we could talk more...hehehe...

He needed to go for a toilet break and basically he got his most sober friend to "mind" me while he was gone for that time, so i spoke to that friend - which was also easy and cool. I thought it was funny that he was worried that i would go away. All his friends at this point (while he was gone) took the opportunity to "sell" him to me and that was sweet of them. His flatmate was going on about how he had a good head on his shoulders and that he was a "top bloke"...it was cute.

We spoke for so long that i didnt even notice Mey and James going outside and i worried thinking that they had left me. I told him that i was going to take a quick walk around and go to the ladies. I called James when i had a chance and James and Mey were outside for some fresh air. I got the hint, and i asked why they didnt call me so we could leave...but they were so sweet...they didnt want to interrupt! I told James not to be silly...and that i was gonna go out to meet them.

I walked back to him and told him that Mey and James were outside. I also told him that i was sorry to cut things short...but i had to really go. He then asked me for my number and i gave it to him. I was just about to ask him for his, but he beat me to it and asked if i wanted his number...and he gave it to me. After exchanging numbers, all of a sudden he grabbed my hand...and i thought he wanted to give me a hand shake...but instead he pulled me towards him and planted a peck on my right cheek...*sigh*... (he had ultra soft lips too...hehehe...)

At this point my friend who i was telling my story to had asked what did u then do?

I was stunned...i smiled and said good bye...no, i didnt kiss him back...i just floated outside to meet up with Mey and James.

Apparently, Mey saw him and his friend walk to the balcony to watch me as i walked towards Mey and James. Mey warned me not to act too gay...i didnt quite understand what she was talking about at the time, but she later explained the whole balcony thing...I told them about the number exchange...well they asked right away! *LoL* and James was saying how he would definitely call...Mey was asking a million questions about what i had learnt about him, etc...and i told them and i think they were in awe with the amount of detail i obtained from the chat i had with him. I mean im still amazed at myself! hehehe

James warned me about the etiquette of the waiting game and since i made the first move in speaking to him...the ball is now in his court and i have to sit and wait...which is tiring cos im impatient and it has been a couple of days!

Speaking to some girlfriends...waiting is the most irritating part - but we must, so we dont look eager! Speaking to some male friends...they all say it has to be at least 3 days. It could take up to 5 days...if its longer than 5 days...he isnt calling! What i want to know, is who made up these rules...i understand the whole idea of looking desperate...and therefore u wait a couple of days before you call, but where is the damn manual? I mean for a person like myself...who has never done this before...i knew u had to wait a bit, but i didnt realise it was so technical. I didnt realise that it had to be a minimum of 2 days...usually 3 days...if longer than 5 days = not interested. That i shouldnt have taken his number and insisted that he should call me...that i might have turned him off by not kissing him back...i derno...so many rules...and it happened all so fast!

Now that i have time to sit and wait...i think i wouldnt really mind if he doesnt call at all. I appreciate the moment in which i acted spontaneously and got positive feedback. That night i felt desired by a cute guy, (and all of his friends too!) so even if he doesnt call me, i will always remember him...as he was the guy that helped me regain my confidence in myself!

If he was reading this right now, i would say:
"Thanks for your time that Saturday nite, i really enjoyed talking to you. You were great company...now, why dont you hurry up and call me?"
;p

hehehehe

Have I mentioned...?

I met this girl at the gym and it was a whole 6 degree of separation thing happening...
She asked if she could leave her yoga mat with me while she went into the gym and do some cardio, i thought it was a bit weird, but i guess i look trustworthy? Since i was going to sit outside the aerobics room...i thought, yeah sure...leave it beside me and i'll mind it.

That was last Thursday nite, and then last nite same deal...but since she is an attractive girl...i thought i would befriend her for the benefit of my single male friends. And low and behold...she went to my uni. We chatted for a bit, before our body balance class...and her name is Tanya. She did pharmacy at Usyd and she was in the year above me. She is friends with a really old friend of mine from wayyyyy back, when we were tiny tots. I havent established if she is single or not...but since we know the same people and i looked after her yoga mat for a while...i think i can approach that question soon enough! ahahahaha...i mean she asked me about a friend in my year in high school...who broke her friend's heart and all!

Now the question is who do i intro her to if she is single?

Disclaimer: I cant guarantee that you would agree with me 100% that she is cute and pretty. For confirmation on whether she is a hottie or not, ask Mey since she was with me at the time! *LoL*

I'm googlised!

On top of my page i noticed the advertisement for Google.

I use Google for my searches, I have been since first year of uni.

What i didnt expect was that my blog would be found in a quick search.

Since i saw the advert, i thought..."hang on, i wonder if i can be found on Google."

Low and behold...im there, but its not a quick search on "petals" you have to search "my petals" and then u find me!

I'm there on the first page, third listing.

I thought this blog was purely my secret, and that people have only found out cos i have slowly let the cat out of the bag and that it was really only friends who came to the site. But now im a bit worried. Its a bit silly, i mean i have always known that the blog was an internet medium ie was public!

But to see my blog as a Google search return, its like O_o.

Okay moving right along...

Honour thy husband...

Okay, so i admit that im a bit of an Elvis fan...no so much that i own any cd's...or collect any memorabilia. I just think that he was cute and handsome and talented..especially when he was in his early 20's...and if im stuck at home on a Sunday afternoon and there happens to be an Elvis movie...i will get a little bit excited! =P

Now, that wasn't the point i was trying to make.

I was watching a documentary presented by Priscilla Presley on her late hubby on the ABC channel today in the afternoon. My mother, (as she usually does when she catches Priscilla on tv) commented on how Priscilla keeps her private life under wraps, even until this day...unlike her daughter who has failed marriages after another and is widely publicised across all media!

I was thinking about the fact that Elvis passed away at the age of 42 and it has been nearly 30 years since his death. I told my mother that i thought Priscilla wasnt just good at hiding her lovers, etc. She is just a fabulous woman full stop! It has been almost 30 years of keeping all the sordid secrets of her husbands past, all under wraps. She has managed to keep her life and his past out of the public domain, and she does it gracefully too. Anything of Elvis' past that happens to be in the lime-light are notably positive snippets of his career, things to commend and celebrate.

I mean, this is purely speculation, but how many affairs could Elvis have had before he past away? Or what about possible drug problems, or his alcoholism, and all his weird quirks??? She could have defamed him so, not indifferent to the American politicians a la Hillary's revelations on her life will Bill. Or the Royals, et al. with their tell-all stories being sold for money to magazines or to publishers, etc.

Maybe there wasn't any secrets to bare all, but then again what if there was? Its nice to know that whatever may be, Priscilla decided to honour her husbands memory and not only that, remains promoting the life he lived, the songs he sang & the movies he starred in. She never says or shows anything vilifying or slanderous about Elvis. Nor does Lisa Marie for that matter.

Honour and respect...you see very little of it these days.

so lunch was like this...

Were at Ogalo's, a portuguese chicken place...better than Oporto's.

Were waiting for our food to be brought out and im talking to the guys.
One of them was talking about how 6 people from Commander were coming to work on our premises next week. Since it was a call centre group (later found out that it was a bunch of telemarketers) then it must be a bunch of girls. While i said i had hoped it was a bunch of guys.

The other workmate said that they'd better be a bunch of girls cos there werent any "trim" ones currently!

I looked at him cos the only two single under 25 year old females at work was a girl in the sales dept and moi.

I dont know what he means by "trim", and he tried to explain it as "talent"...but before he explained it as so, he said it was a sexist remark and that he wasnt going to tell...so i think he said talent just to shut me up from bugging him to death!

So, just as spite i do hope that the people from Commander are a bunch of asian guys...or at least a bunch of guys...then i can have the last laugh! ;)

Otherwise, they will seriously kick me out of the "Lunch Group"...they were complaining that i eat my food like a girl...so "dainty" and "feminine"...last i looked, im pretty sure that im still a girl! They said i needed to put 3 or more chips in my mouth and if it falls catch with my hands and shove it back into the mouth! O_o

hmm...yeah right! like im going to act like a baboon shoving food into my mouth without stopping to chew!
=P

Today

What do i feel like today?

The plan for today is that i will have lunch at 1pm with the "Lunch Group" ie. moi + 3 other guys. we'll come back to work at about 2pm or later (usually later) and get back to work. i'll sit there "monitoring" the system and see if there are any problems...but since our equipment and the way our customer's networks are done - there shouldnt be any problems and therefore i'll sit there blogging even more, or surfing the net, or on msn, or watch music clips etc.

Then it will be 4:55pm i'll pack up and leave work.

Rest a bit at home. Maybe grab a bite to eat, something lite, not so heavy cos i'll be going to the gym to do my balance class so i dont want to feel weighed down!

Then i'll head off to the gym, push and shove to get my usual spot in the aerobics room, set up my yoga mat, and then stretch myself a lil before class. Then the serious stretching begins and thats when i push my body to the limits and will suffer tomoro for it!

Finish class with a nap - part of our "meditation" and then go home.

*bloody, my hands are still shaking from boxing yesterday...grrr...both hands shake violently...im surprised that i can type still!*

Have a shower and then go to bed, cos i'll need to wake early friday morning to get to work.

Thats exactly how my day will turn out! How i wish it would turn out would be like this:

The plan for today is that i will have lunch at 1pm with the "Lunch Group" ie. moi + 3 other guys. we'll come back to work at about 2pm or later (usually later) and get back to work. i'll sit there "monitoring" the system and see if there are any problems...but since our equipment and the way our customer's networks are done - there shouldnt be any problems and therefore i'll sit there blogging even more, or surfing the net, or on msn, or watch music clips etc.

Then it will be 4:55pm i'll pack up and leave work.

Head off to a good art supply store and pick up an easel and some paints, & maybe some new brushes. Go home and get out of my work gear and put some clothes i can get dirty in and paint whatever my heart desires and keep at it until i feel sleepy.

Fall asleep feeling good that i did something productive and satisfied my creative desires.

But, since i over-spent my budget while in melbourne (+ paying for trip to Thailand for 3 people, Jewel tix, Michael Buble tix, Lion Witch Wardrobe tix - TBP*, Lion King - TBP*), i have to put that off until i have the dosh to do so!

* TBP = To Be Paid to the person who will be paying for me first! hehehe ^_^

Things on my mind

I think im on an onset of depression.
I'm trying to figure out new things to do, so that i can meet new people and discover new passions in my life. But it aint working and quite frankly its depressing me. Really, i should be grateful. I mean who gets to go overseas and come back to a new job and then even though having only been at the job for a month, be allowed some leave to go to Melb for a Xmas/NY break?

Me.

Okay, so i have pin-pointed a main contributor to this dismal feeling. I lack passion in my life. I have no feelings in regards to anything i do. I have tried to practice what i preach. I'm trying to escape the cycle by doing different things, absorb more. Even read more often...which hasn't really helped cos its just filling that void in me with stuf i conjure in my imagination...and so its just putting false precepts in my mind that seemingly makes things okay again.

Life at the moment seems like a travesty of what it could be.

I wonder what (in)significant change could i have made when i was younger to have modified the path that i am following now? Would it have made the difference had i learnt to drink alcohol? If i was a social smoker? If i was more promiscuous as a teen. Had i not gone to uni? If i had chosen art over physics? If i had gotten back with my first bf? If i had made a daring pass at every cute guy i had a crush on? If i could tell jokes better? If i could sing? *sigh*

So many what ifs...many in which i cant turn back the time and try out (some i wouldnt want to even bother trying out).

I mentioned the way i am feeling to a friend...he thinks its the quater-life crisis...i thought i had passed it, i guess its an on-going issue until i reach my thirty's or life seems to get better, which ever comes first!

For a moment today, i actually felt that i was 16 again. All that teen angst, that depressing self-loathing in the way i look. The loneliness which leaves me wondering whether this is it, is this as good as it can get? Its pretty shiet if you ask me! I want to scream and shout and bash the shiet out of something! In an instant my emotions run rampant, i dont know if i want to laugh or if i just want to sit, rocking and cry?

I acknowledge that life is a learning curve, from start to end...but i just wish i had a couple of plateaus in my graph of life, instead of a multitude of peaks and troughs. I also wish i got my clear skin back...i keep breaking out and i just want some clearness dammit...to the way it was when i was bloody 16, 17, 18, 19, even 20, and 21! Thats one aspect of my teen life that i did not want to ever end!

=(