Once upon a time on a bright sunny day there lived a little girl who had all these hopes and dreams to fulfil...
When i was younger, it might not have sounded like i was optimistic, but in my heart i believed that love conquered all.
I believed that if someone loved you, nothing could stop the two of you. (And you would live happily ever after...)
The concept that people can fall out of love seemed like a hoax to me.
A bit "Wayne's World" -
"no way!"
"wayyy..."
"nooo, way!"
"yes, wayyy..."
"No! Way!"
It sounds ridiculous but that truly goes around in my head sometimes. This coming from a tertiary educated girl...maybe thats why i didnt graduate with honors?
=P
Its not like i envisioned it to be a bubble like state...where you would fall in love and then nothing could hurt you or burst your 'bubble'.
I was still very much realistic. I knew that there was a reason why in the vows it said "for better or worse"...there are always ups and downs, but i truly thought that if you loved a person, you would always work things out and you would never give up on trying to work it out - thats the commitment that you promised to when you signed the dotted line! (Its written in the fine print of your marriage certificate, under Section 1C, clause (ii), line 3. Just under the part that says you will love the person FOREVER!)
*LoL*
Anyway, life is about learning. And just like Goldilocks, i've learnt my share of lessons. Problem is, i cant get my heart to agree with my head. My head is being practical and logical and is trying to move on. My heart is telling my head to go get stuffed, cos its waiting for the fairytale to come true!
Friday, April 28, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Films and more films...
I rented out Gosford Park on Monday night, because my friend and i missed it on Sunday night...too busy watching Big Brother...so we missed the first section of the movie and thought that we would rent it out and watch it Monday night.
Since it was a weekly dvd, i rented 5 other dvd's.
And, i watched five out of the six dvd's i rented.
So, we watched "Gosford Park" on Monday night...it was very slow for like the first 90-something minutes, but the twist at the end was good. Not necessarily worth waiting for, but at least i wasn't left thinking "Omg, what was that?"
We started watching "Girl with a pearl earring" and that was another slow movie...i fell asleep, it had interesting moments...but i was expecting some sort of climax in the film as it was developing, but it failed to do so. Since, i slept through the later half of the film, i watched it again on Tuesday morning. And there were really interesting moments...hissy fits...but it just didnt deliver what i was anticipating. And the ending...one word...disappointing!
I then popped in "The Cats Meow" dvd. I had read a novel about William R. Hearst and his mistress Marion...they are real people...and there were real deaths involving those two people...maybe not directly, but there is still much speculation, which is why there are books and movies about the two. The movie was another let down...highlight was Kirsten Dunst playing the role of Marion, and there were a few semi-famous people in the cast.
After The Cats Meow, i started watching a film about an American artist...a depiction of how he became famous and the pitfalls of rising and rising fast. The title of that flick is "Basquiat", about the life of the street artist Jean-Michel Basquiat. This flick had a list of famous actors just as long as "Crash"...were talking Benicio del Toro, Dennis Hopper, Willem Dafoe, Davie Bowie, Parker Posey, Claire Forlani, Gary Oldman, Tatem O'Neal, and even Courtney Love.
I wasn't expecting much from this movie, and it was surprisingly interesting. To watch people change under the influence of money...to watch how some people's perspective of others don't change at all, even though they have gained star status within the art world. To see how racism doesnt change, even though you are famous. To see who remains your true friend, and to watch the people who keep pointing out that you shouldnt trust someone...that someone being your true friend.
Insightful, very good for a lazy afternoon.
Next flick to watch is "Hotel Rawanda". This movie is really good...but it stressed me out...and i hate movies depicting others killing one another, especially when its killing in terms of genocide. It was a great movie that provided closure at the end...which i wasnt expecting and was grateful for. There was hope in the film. It moved me. I almost cried so many times...but thought i was stupid for doing so, and i held back the tears.
Don Cheadle did a wonderful performance, and its no surprise this movie was nominated for the Oscars in 2004/2005. I would recommend this movie to those who have not watched it, unless you dont like movies that depict death in a very real sense...and you have a very sensitive stomach...but sometimes, you just need to watch these movies to desensitise yourself a bit.
There is one point where he crumbles and cries, and you have to wonder when would you have crumbled if you were in the same position? I think i would have been in tears way long before we saw him crack!
The final dvd that i have watched previously and really enjoyed, I am leaving for another day. Its "Finding Neverland" with Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet. I'm saving it for Friday night or sometime during the weekend...where i can sit at home and ball my eyes out!
I cried when i watched it in the cinemas, and with the state of my affairs, i think its high time i induced some crying action. I'm feeling a bit too controlled right now. I need to cry all my tears out, to the utmost exhaustion...and then maybe i will be able to see straight again.
I miss him, and some things have happened over the past weekend to really cause my heart to ache.
*sigh*
Since it was a weekly dvd, i rented 5 other dvd's.
And, i watched five out of the six dvd's i rented.
So, we watched "Gosford Park" on Monday night...it was very slow for like the first 90-something minutes, but the twist at the end was good. Not necessarily worth waiting for, but at least i wasn't left thinking "Omg, what was that?"
We started watching "Girl with a pearl earring" and that was another slow movie...i fell asleep, it had interesting moments...but i was expecting some sort of climax in the film as it was developing, but it failed to do so. Since, i slept through the later half of the film, i watched it again on Tuesday morning. And there were really interesting moments...hissy fits...but it just didnt deliver what i was anticipating. And the ending...one word...disappointing!
I then popped in "The Cats Meow" dvd. I had read a novel about William R. Hearst and his mistress Marion...they are real people...and there were real deaths involving those two people...maybe not directly, but there is still much speculation, which is why there are books and movies about the two. The movie was another let down...highlight was Kirsten Dunst playing the role of Marion, and there were a few semi-famous people in the cast.
After The Cats Meow, i started watching a film about an American artist...a depiction of how he became famous and the pitfalls of rising and rising fast. The title of that flick is "Basquiat", about the life of the street artist Jean-Michel Basquiat. This flick had a list of famous actors just as long as "Crash"...were talking Benicio del Toro, Dennis Hopper, Willem Dafoe, Davie Bowie, Parker Posey, Claire Forlani, Gary Oldman, Tatem O'Neal, and even Courtney Love.
I wasn't expecting much from this movie, and it was surprisingly interesting. To watch people change under the influence of money...to watch how some people's perspective of others don't change at all, even though they have gained star status within the art world. To see how racism doesnt change, even though you are famous. To see who remains your true friend, and to watch the people who keep pointing out that you shouldnt trust someone...that someone being your true friend.
Insightful, very good for a lazy afternoon.
Next flick to watch is "Hotel Rawanda". This movie is really good...but it stressed me out...and i hate movies depicting others killing one another, especially when its killing in terms of genocide. It was a great movie that provided closure at the end...which i wasnt expecting and was grateful for. There was hope in the film. It moved me. I almost cried so many times...but thought i was stupid for doing so, and i held back the tears.
Don Cheadle did a wonderful performance, and its no surprise this movie was nominated for the Oscars in 2004/2005. I would recommend this movie to those who have not watched it, unless you dont like movies that depict death in a very real sense...and you have a very sensitive stomach...but sometimes, you just need to watch these movies to desensitise yourself a bit.
There is one point where he crumbles and cries, and you have to wonder when would you have crumbled if you were in the same position? I think i would have been in tears way long before we saw him crack!
The final dvd that i have watched previously and really enjoyed, I am leaving for another day. Its "Finding Neverland" with Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet. I'm saving it for Friday night or sometime during the weekend...where i can sit at home and ball my eyes out!
I cried when i watched it in the cinemas, and with the state of my affairs, i think its high time i induced some crying action. I'm feeling a bit too controlled right now. I need to cry all my tears out, to the utmost exhaustion...and then maybe i will be able to see straight again.
I miss him, and some things have happened over the past weekend to really cause my heart to ache.
*sigh*
Friday, April 21, 2006
What to do???
I was just offered to work on 2 other projects while doing this big programme. I accepted at about 9:30am today.
So, i'm being petitioned to be moved back to the CBD...they desperately need me there...and if they successfully move me back within a week, i will know for a fact that the upper management knows about me, that they too really want me there and understand how important i am to the company.
I told a colleague in another team about the move and i told him i that i don't quite want to move from Glebe. I like the office in Glebe. I like the fact that it is not as busy as HQ in the CBD. I like where i am now. And i would miss having him and his team around.
BUT i move where i am needed, its part of my job, i move where my team is and i get moved frequently as its the nature of my role.
The colleague is a manager and he has a position to fill. A communications analyst role, i think. And he is offering ALOT of money. Although it is a contracting role for 4 months or so, until the team figures out what to do with that position. The thing is, what i would make in that 4 months is twice the amount i would normally make from what i am doing now. Maybe even more. Since the rate he was quoting was the permanent position rate, while i would be paid the contractor rate, which could be twice the amount he told me...
So, i could in fact make 4 times as much as i would normally make. Which really means i could make the equivalent to my annual salary in 4 months.
I am utterly tempted, since i plan on going to Europe next year. That amount of money would be really really really handy. It could mean that i would get to Europe earlier or i could go for longer.
I am wondering how i could get this opportunity to work with my current role.
I am a contractor, i should be able to do whatever i want, take whatever roles that come my way when people want me. But it could be career suicide if i ever try to get back into Project Management. I don't want to appear as though i don't have conviction, that money wields my way.
My company goes by a first come first serve policy. If you want me to work on your project, you need to get in first, or pray that the project i am on will be short lived.
I will be completing a PM course shortly (company paid) and at the end of the course i will pretty much be handed my next certification as a RPM, thats with a few more months of experience in the industry too. But that RPM title will then give me heaps of leverage.
So, what is a girl to do?
I have never thought anyone would offer me a six figure salary, off the bat like that. Well, not until i become a RPM, at least.
So, as a quick reaction, what i did was diplomatic and politically correct.
I asked the colleague if he was serious about the position being available, that he really needed the help? He said yes. So, i told him to contact my company and we could help him find a suitable person to fill in the contract, we will look after him and find him a great person!
=)
And it was so sweet his response: "But i want you to work with us...we don't want anyone else! That's why i offered it to you!!!"
Me: "But i don't even know how to troubleshoot the problems you guys get!"
Colleague: "Don't worry, you log the problem and pass it to one of the guys! They'll fix it for you!"
...
Talk about excellent opportunity...I would get paid six figures to pass work off to other people, and i'm already friends with all the managers.
*hehehe*
...
What to do???
So, i'm being petitioned to be moved back to the CBD...they desperately need me there...and if they successfully move me back within a week, i will know for a fact that the upper management knows about me, that they too really want me there and understand how important i am to the company.
I told a colleague in another team about the move and i told him i that i don't quite want to move from Glebe. I like the office in Glebe. I like the fact that it is not as busy as HQ in the CBD. I like where i am now. And i would miss having him and his team around.
BUT i move where i am needed, its part of my job, i move where my team is and i get moved frequently as its the nature of my role.
The colleague is a manager and he has a position to fill. A communications analyst role, i think. And he is offering ALOT of money. Although it is a contracting role for 4 months or so, until the team figures out what to do with that position. The thing is, what i would make in that 4 months is twice the amount i would normally make from what i am doing now. Maybe even more. Since the rate he was quoting was the permanent position rate, while i would be paid the contractor rate, which could be twice the amount he told me...
So, i could in fact make 4 times as much as i would normally make. Which really means i could make the equivalent to my annual salary in 4 months.
I am utterly tempted, since i plan on going to Europe next year. That amount of money would be really really really handy. It could mean that i would get to Europe earlier or i could go for longer.
I am wondering how i could get this opportunity to work with my current role.
I am a contractor, i should be able to do whatever i want, take whatever roles that come my way when people want me. But it could be career suicide if i ever try to get back into Project Management. I don't want to appear as though i don't have conviction, that money wields my way.
My company goes by a first come first serve policy. If you want me to work on your project, you need to get in first, or pray that the project i am on will be short lived.
I will be completing a PM course shortly (company paid) and at the end of the course i will pretty much be handed my next certification as a RPM, thats with a few more months of experience in the industry too. But that RPM title will then give me heaps of leverage.
So, what is a girl to do?
I have never thought anyone would offer me a six figure salary, off the bat like that. Well, not until i become a RPM, at least.
So, as a quick reaction, what i did was diplomatic and politically correct.
I asked the colleague if he was serious about the position being available, that he really needed the help? He said yes. So, i told him to contact my company and we could help him find a suitable person to fill in the contract, we will look after him and find him a great person!
=)
And it was so sweet his response: "But i want you to work with us...we don't want anyone else! That's why i offered it to you!!!"
Me: "But i don't even know how to troubleshoot the problems you guys get!"
Colleague: "Don't worry, you log the problem and pass it to one of the guys! They'll fix it for you!"
Talk about excellent opportunity...I would get paid six figures to pass work off to other people, and i'm already friends with all the managers.
*hehehe*
What to do???
Thursday, April 20, 2006
"grievance period"
I happened to mention to a doctor friend that i was recently broken up with my boyfriend.
Being much more older than i was, out of concern she asked me "You aren't going to jump into another relationship so soon, are you?"
I was like "NO! I want to enjoy the fact that im single...im going to travel and do all the stuff i want to do."
She then said to me "You do know that when you get out of long relationships, it may take about a year to fully get over it."
I told her "Yeah, i figured that much..."
Slight pause, examines my facial expressions, and with a sincere smile:
"Well then," she said to me, "you can go and do all the things that you once thought you couldnt because of your commitment to your boyfriend!"
Exactly.
The point of this post...a while i ago...actually a very long while ago, (i cant even exactly remember whether a wrote about it in a single post, or if i alluded towards the idea in another post, or even when i wrote about it, but its somewhere in my archive...) i wrote about the "Grievance Period".
I call it the Grievance Period, only because that was the best way i could describe it at the time...and funny enough, i sort of neglected to acknowledge what i believed in and was only hit by it when M mentioned to me about my own philosophies...and now that the doctor friend had concurred what i have always believed, that it takes a long time to heal and get over the relationship, i feel better.
Its nice to have someone who is a doctor and tell you that what you believed, that your philosophy is accurate, its pretty neat! Especially, when they corroborate without your intervention. I didnt tell her that i thought it would take about a year for me to fully get over this breakup...she was the one who told me that it was most likely to be that way...confirming what i thought.
Since, it took me a good 7 months to get over a 11 month relationship. I spent the time looking inward, at myself. I wanted to fix myself. Make me whole, ensure my independance was still there. Feel complete & at one with myself. To be sure that i loved & respected me.
In this recent break up, it was a long relationship...not as long as you may assume, but it was passionate and very serious, to say the least. It will definitely take a year of looking in this time around, mending whats broken, building up on one's self.
I know as a person that i am complete. But i do feel a hollowness in the chest right now. And im not saying that im perfect, there is still a lot to do towards being a more full and robust me. There is still a lot of things to learn, that will take me until the day i die.
I just want to let you know or let myself know, really...that i have a direction to head and i am moving forward. I'm not taking steps back. The past is in the past, and i am leaving it there. I am going to challenge myself mentally, physically and emotionally. At the end of it, i am hoping that the hollowness will be gone. The time frame is 1 year.
Being much more older than i was, out of concern she asked me "You aren't going to jump into another relationship so soon, are you?"
I was like "NO! I want to enjoy the fact that im single...im going to travel and do all the stuff i want to do."
She then said to me "You do know that when you get out of long relationships, it may take about a year to fully get over it."
I told her "Yeah, i figured that much..."
Slight pause, examines my facial expressions, and with a sincere smile:
"Well then," she said to me, "you can go and do all the things that you once thought you couldnt because of your commitment to your boyfriend!"
Exactly.
The point of this post...a while i ago...actually a very long while ago, (i cant even exactly remember whether a wrote about it in a single post, or if i alluded towards the idea in another post, or even when i wrote about it, but its somewhere in my archive...) i wrote about the "Grievance Period".
I call it the Grievance Period, only because that was the best way i could describe it at the time...and funny enough, i sort of neglected to acknowledge what i believed in and was only hit by it when M mentioned to me about my own philosophies...and now that the doctor friend had concurred what i have always believed, that it takes a long time to heal and get over the relationship, i feel better.
Its nice to have someone who is a doctor and tell you that what you believed, that your philosophy is accurate, its pretty neat! Especially, when they corroborate without your intervention. I didnt tell her that i thought it would take about a year for me to fully get over this breakup...she was the one who told me that it was most likely to be that way...confirming what i thought.
Since, it took me a good 7 months to get over a 11 month relationship. I spent the time looking inward, at myself. I wanted to fix myself. Make me whole, ensure my independance was still there. Feel complete & at one with myself. To be sure that i loved & respected me.
In this recent break up, it was a long relationship...not as long as you may assume, but it was passionate and very serious, to say the least. It will definitely take a year of looking in this time around, mending whats broken, building up on one's self.
I know as a person that i am complete. But i do feel a hollowness in the chest right now. And im not saying that im perfect, there is still a lot to do towards being a more full and robust me. There is still a lot of things to learn, that will take me until the day i die.
I just want to let you know or let myself know, really...that i have a direction to head and i am moving forward. I'm not taking steps back. The past is in the past, and i am leaving it there. I am going to challenge myself mentally, physically and emotionally. At the end of it, i am hoping that the hollowness will be gone. The time frame is 1 year.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Easter Weekend Recap
Thursday: Work was okay, the March bill was finalised and out of my hair! *hiphiphooray!* Went to Myers to meet up with Kat, I bought some chocolate easter eggs while i waited...Cherry Brandy Truffles...Met with Kat, walked around, met AY and she gave me my bday present...hug kiss good bye...sat down cos my feet were killing me (damn stilettos)...opened my present to check it out, and it was a beautiful jewellery box! Thanx AY!!! ^_^ Met with M and exchanged her bday present then parted ways to go to Equilibrium. Walked to Equilibrium and bumped into some friends outside...one just came back from SA (studying there for 2nd degree) for catch up with everyone, quick chat...then i went to the bar.
Got into bar and went looking for everyone. Joel was upstairs and it was empty. *LoL* So, i contacted my other friends and met with them downstairs. I got myself a glass of white and started drinking...forgot that i hadnt eaten anything since lunch at noon...decide to grab a mushroom risotto, which also came with a glass of wine...so i had about 1.5 glasses before eating...then i finished my 2nd glass...went upstairs and had my 3rd glass and by this point, i could feel that i was tipsy.
By the time L and E joined V and i, i think i was very red and light headed! ahahahaha...i drank 2 glasses of water...chatted to my friend's workmate...saw the birthday boy looking like he was a goner...went to the ladies...went back to my seat only to get dragged to the dance floor by E to dance with him, only he was screaming in my ear saying that he doesnt remember how to dance?! *RoFL* We were the only other couple beside another couple who were dirty dancing with eachother. It was time to move on.
We had to leave shortly, and i think i was ready to go home...but before we did, we headed to the vodka bar to have a vodka shot in the ice glass. I had difficulty walking over to the bar and when we "cheered" with the ice glasses...those slippery little suckers slipped from my fingers and i split some, luckily on the ice slab and not on my LBD. Down the hatch it went and OMFG...it was horrible...and that just tipped the iceburg. I had to hold E's arm to walk from the bar to the carpark...
But here's the funny thing, when i called my lil brother to say that he didnt need to pick me up from the trainstation, that E was going to drop me off, my brother asked if E was okay? Like was E okay to drive, etc, thinking that E was more out of it than i was! *LoL* Let me state a fact, E is a responsible driver, he doesnt ever drink if he is driving...not one drop of alcohol...he doesnt do the "1 cup should be okay"...
I got home and my brother knocked on my bedroom door to ask if i was alright...and i was, but i felt dizzy...then he asked if E was alright...still thinking that E was pissed drunk...hehehe...I showered and brushed my teeth and hopped into bed, only to get woken up by my mother at 8am on Good Friday.
Good Friday: She came knocking on my door and my head was swaying when i propped myself up to see who had rudely woken me at what felt like an extrememly early hour...although i knew it was my mother...only my mother would knock on my door...she asked if i wanted to go and have breakfast with my older brother and nieces? I thought "i aint gonna be sleeping after waking up...might as well put some food in me, make me feel better?!" I got up, asked if my lil brother was going, if so, he could drive cos i wasnt going to make it! Washed my face, brushed my teeth, got my hair pulled back in a messy do, got dressed and popped on the big sunnies.
I couldnt believe that i was hungover...the swaying wouldnt stop...i blame the vodka...my niece even noted that i was looking/walking funny...she said "Aunty, you were drinking a lot last night!?" She said it as a question but i think she meant it as a statement..."Yes sweetie, i was drinking last night." Oh gosh, someone shoot me! I am a bad example for those girls!
We finished breakfast and i felt extremely better after getting food into my system. We then headed to the city and my mother wanted me to drive, since she doesnt quite trust my P-plater brother...so i drove, and i was fine...and gosh, how i love double demerits on a long weekend and how i love it when everyone else is at home or at the church and the road is pretty much to myself...i was driving just below 60km/h speed limit...and yet i was driving to the city fine and dandy...and i got there in 30 minutes! Parking was hassle free!!!
We went to have lunch and did some shopping around Market City...since Chinatown was the only place opened...after lunch we went to Galaxy World...my nieces love playing the games and then it became a mission to win as many tickets so that Chloe could have this bubble blowing pen thingo and we got Aimee a paint set. You gotta love the hippos which you bash on their heads when the poke out from their hiding place. Between my niece, her father and i, we finally got the top score! *LoL* It took the three of us...ahhahahaa...after fun and games and prizes won we headed home.
I had a quiet night, that Friday...i needed to sleep anyways.
Saturday: Slept in until 9am (i usually get up around 5:50am on a work day and 7am on a weekend)...i got ready and was seriously trying to hold back from eating a pancake my mum had made...W and i were going to Bondi to have brunch. We use to do this like once every few months and he recently told me that our fav spot closed down and was now called something else but still had a similar menu...so i thought i should go try it.
I ordered poached eggs with hash, sausages, and mushrooms. It wasnt until the guy left with my order that i realised that i had ordered heaps...but never fear, thats why you bring a guy friend. He had half of my mushrooms and hash. Afterwards we drove to Paddington and scored a brilliant parking space right next to the cinema. We thought we would get the tix to "How much do you love me?" before we walked to the markets...W thought it would be packed out (I didnt think so)...we had the tix and then we sauntered to his fav bike shop...stopped at this store that sold pre-loved Princeton jumpers, polo tees, name badges (i bought one for my brother, i found a "Larry" - his nick, that looked cool), belts, etc...walked along oxford street and realised that we wouldnt make it to the markets from where we were and get to the movie on time...so we visited the Puma store and after that went back to the cinema.
My verdict? It was good. It was entertaining. I absolutely enjoyed the way it was cleverly done...BUT...the ending went over my head. I actually didnt focus on the subtitles much, and tried to listen to the French being spoken and I got the punchlines...and at some points i could have been on the floor, rolling around with tears in my eyes...
And then there was that weird ending...i dont quite understand why she went from vixen to drab, or those intrusive snapshots between the party to someone being held at gunpoint, then back to the party and then the insinuation of an affair, snap back to the party...it was all too much! That party was giving me a headache. The ending was a shocker.
The cure? We walked to the markets, it was a lovely autumn day...i gotta tell you, rose tinted glasses makes the world look beautiful, it felt like Monsieur Monet was one step in front of me, adding the honey haze over everything and everywhere i looked! I bought a strawberry shortcake ice cream sandwich and W & i browsed for tee's that he could buy.
I like plaiting the full length of my hair to the side now. I think it gives me a boheme-kitsch type of look, especially with my large rose tinted frames. I was considering chopping it all off, but my hair has NEVER been this length before...its barely skimming my waist. So, i figure i'll let it reach the waist and then i'll go for a good trim, even out the layers or just go for a blunt cut, but keep the length...cos although i like short hair, long hair looks better on me.
After W dropped me off, i was home alone. I started to feel lonely and insecure...a shame cos my day was really enjoyable. Everyone was out of the house and i was just in the lounge room on my own...i tried listening to music, but it depressed me. I tried to read, but couldnt concentrate and it depressed me. There was nothing to watch - bloody depressing!!! I gave up and went to bed.
Sunday: Bummed in my brother's room and watched Veronica Mars, the latest episodes from the US, and Prison Break all day. I've never watched Prison Break, but people keep telling me that it is very good show...so i thought i would give it a go...and have to say, im engaged because it is very intelligent, but its stressing me! Soooo much is going on and i just want him to get his brother and get out!!! Thankfully, Wentworth Miller has a very smooth voice and I just love the way he articulates...i can close my eyes and listen to him until i fall asleep...hehehe...
Monday: My funday...we filmed what was suppose to be a season finale to HI...i dont get it...there isnt any script...i just knew that if i went along, i would be laughing non stop and i need that right now...and i also wanted Harry's.
E picked me up...we got to USYD...we got dressed...i had a cocopops bomb strapped to me...i had to put a nun's habit on again...it was really crazy...all in the name of fun! So we shoot a couple of times...a dog and a couple come and watch us...the dog tries to get intimate with L and her sausage tray strapped to her thigh (meant to be another bomb)...CnC comes running from behind a tree ready to stab me with a BBQ fork...all in a day's work for the HI crew. *LoL*
We then decided it was a wrap...packed up...went back to the car...made way to Harry's, obviously there had to be a car incident or two...got out and rushed for lunch. After lunch we drove L and CnC back to their cars and E & i then headed to Parramtta Westfields and i went to buy more choc easter eggs...this time i remembered to bring my voucher...but it caused an incident! Like if you are a manager at Myers, shouldnt you know how to use the register? And wouldnt you know how to scan a voucher and then make whatever deductions you would have to do? How hard is it? Gosh, how did you get promoted to being a manager?!?!?! She took 15 minutes of E and my life...15 minutes that we would never get back!!!
=P
Going home from Parramatta, i made a conscious decision...i was going to find a way for me to get to Europe...for at least a holiday! I have always wanted to go and the plan was that when i graduated, i would work for a year and then pack my bags and travel for a bit...then come back and work again...but work got in the way...then other things happened...but since i dont plan from leaving the job that i am in now, i can plan my holiday without having to worry about it affecting my other responsibilities...i worked it out that i can save enough to go Europe by next year spring.
Today: So, i now have a goal...i have even decided on which tour i will join so that i would have company on my trip (90% sure)...i plan on extending the trip so that i can spend my own time exploring France, because a few hours in the Louvre just wont be enough for me. I spent all day yesterday looking at various tour companies and decided that i would go with someone tried and trusted...i wont be doing Contiki...i dont want to go out and drink...i dont want to actually socialise like that...i want to explore the country and absorb all the knowledge i can while im there...i plan on doing all things cultural and i'm going to abstain from shopping.
If you dont hear from me for the next 12 months or so, its because im hibernating at home and saving money!
Got into bar and went looking for everyone. Joel was upstairs and it was empty. *LoL* So, i contacted my other friends and met with them downstairs. I got myself a glass of white and started drinking...forgot that i hadnt eaten anything since lunch at noon...decide to grab a mushroom risotto, which also came with a glass of wine...so i had about 1.5 glasses before eating...then i finished my 2nd glass...went upstairs and had my 3rd glass and by this point, i could feel that i was tipsy.
By the time L and E joined V and i, i think i was very red and light headed! ahahahaha...i drank 2 glasses of water...chatted to my friend's workmate...saw the birthday boy looking like he was a goner...went to the ladies...went back to my seat only to get dragged to the dance floor by E to dance with him, only he was screaming in my ear saying that he doesnt remember how to dance?! *RoFL* We were the only other couple beside another couple who were dirty dancing with eachother. It was time to move on.
We had to leave shortly, and i think i was ready to go home...but before we did, we headed to the vodka bar to have a vodka shot in the ice glass. I had difficulty walking over to the bar and when we "cheered" with the ice glasses...those slippery little suckers slipped from my fingers and i split some, luckily on the ice slab and not on my LBD. Down the hatch it went and OMFG...it was horrible...and that just tipped the iceburg. I had to hold E's arm to walk from the bar to the carpark...
But here's the funny thing, when i called my lil brother to say that he didnt need to pick me up from the trainstation, that E was going to drop me off, my brother asked if E was okay? Like was E okay to drive, etc, thinking that E was more out of it than i was! *LoL* Let me state a fact, E is a responsible driver, he doesnt ever drink if he is driving...not one drop of alcohol...he doesnt do the "1 cup should be okay"...
I got home and my brother knocked on my bedroom door to ask if i was alright...and i was, but i felt dizzy...then he asked if E was alright...still thinking that E was pissed drunk...hehehe...I showered and brushed my teeth and hopped into bed, only to get woken up by my mother at 8am on Good Friday.
Good Friday: She came knocking on my door and my head was swaying when i propped myself up to see who had rudely woken me at what felt like an extrememly early hour...although i knew it was my mother...only my mother would knock on my door...she asked if i wanted to go and have breakfast with my older brother and nieces? I thought "i aint gonna be sleeping after waking up...might as well put some food in me, make me feel better?!" I got up, asked if my lil brother was going, if so, he could drive cos i wasnt going to make it! Washed my face, brushed my teeth, got my hair pulled back in a messy do, got dressed and popped on the big sunnies.
I couldnt believe that i was hungover...the swaying wouldnt stop...i blame the vodka...my niece even noted that i was looking/walking funny...she said "Aunty, you were drinking a lot last night!?" She said it as a question but i think she meant it as a statement..."Yes sweetie, i was drinking last night." Oh gosh, someone shoot me! I am a bad example for those girls!
We finished breakfast and i felt extremely better after getting food into my system. We then headed to the city and my mother wanted me to drive, since she doesnt quite trust my P-plater brother...so i drove, and i was fine...and gosh, how i love double demerits on a long weekend and how i love it when everyone else is at home or at the church and the road is pretty much to myself...i was driving just below 60km/h speed limit...and yet i was driving to the city fine and dandy...and i got there in 30 minutes! Parking was hassle free!!!
We went to have lunch and did some shopping around Market City...since Chinatown was the only place opened...after lunch we went to Galaxy World...my nieces love playing the games and then it became a mission to win as many tickets so that Chloe could have this bubble blowing pen thingo and we got Aimee a paint set. You gotta love the hippos which you bash on their heads when the poke out from their hiding place. Between my niece, her father and i, we finally got the top score! *LoL* It took the three of us...ahhahahaa...after fun and games and prizes won we headed home.
I had a quiet night, that Friday...i needed to sleep anyways.
Saturday: Slept in until 9am (i usually get up around 5:50am on a work day and 7am on a weekend)...i got ready and was seriously trying to hold back from eating a pancake my mum had made...W and i were going to Bondi to have brunch. We use to do this like once every few months and he recently told me that our fav spot closed down and was now called something else but still had a similar menu...so i thought i should go try it.
I ordered poached eggs with hash, sausages, and mushrooms. It wasnt until the guy left with my order that i realised that i had ordered heaps...but never fear, thats why you bring a guy friend. He had half of my mushrooms and hash. Afterwards we drove to Paddington and scored a brilliant parking space right next to the cinema. We thought we would get the tix to "How much do you love me?" before we walked to the markets...W thought it would be packed out (I didnt think so)...we had the tix and then we sauntered to his fav bike shop...stopped at this store that sold pre-loved Princeton jumpers, polo tees, name badges (i bought one for my brother, i found a "Larry" - his nick, that looked cool), belts, etc...walked along oxford street and realised that we wouldnt make it to the markets from where we were and get to the movie on time...so we visited the Puma store and after that went back to the cinema.
My verdict? It was good. It was entertaining. I absolutely enjoyed the way it was cleverly done...BUT...the ending went over my head. I actually didnt focus on the subtitles much, and tried to listen to the French being spoken and I got the punchlines...and at some points i could have been on the floor, rolling around with tears in my eyes...
And then there was that weird ending...i dont quite understand why she went from vixen to drab, or those intrusive snapshots between the party to someone being held at gunpoint, then back to the party and then the insinuation of an affair, snap back to the party...it was all too much! That party was giving me a headache. The ending was a shocker.
The cure? We walked to the markets, it was a lovely autumn day...i gotta tell you, rose tinted glasses makes the world look beautiful, it felt like Monsieur Monet was one step in front of me, adding the honey haze over everything and everywhere i looked! I bought a strawberry shortcake ice cream sandwich and W & i browsed for tee's that he could buy.
I like plaiting the full length of my hair to the side now. I think it gives me a boheme-kitsch type of look, especially with my large rose tinted frames. I was considering chopping it all off, but my hair has NEVER been this length before...its barely skimming my waist. So, i figure i'll let it reach the waist and then i'll go for a good trim, even out the layers or just go for a blunt cut, but keep the length...cos although i like short hair, long hair looks better on me.
After W dropped me off, i was home alone. I started to feel lonely and insecure...a shame cos my day was really enjoyable. Everyone was out of the house and i was just in the lounge room on my own...i tried listening to music, but it depressed me. I tried to read, but couldnt concentrate and it depressed me. There was nothing to watch - bloody depressing!!! I gave up and went to bed.
Sunday: Bummed in my brother's room and watched Veronica Mars, the latest episodes from the US, and Prison Break all day. I've never watched Prison Break, but people keep telling me that it is very good show...so i thought i would give it a go...and have to say, im engaged because it is very intelligent, but its stressing me! Soooo much is going on and i just want him to get his brother and get out!!! Thankfully, Wentworth Miller has a very smooth voice and I just love the way he articulates...i can close my eyes and listen to him until i fall asleep...hehehe...
Monday: My funday...we filmed what was suppose to be a season finale to HI...i dont get it...there isnt any script...i just knew that if i went along, i would be laughing non stop and i need that right now...and i also wanted Harry's.
E picked me up...we got to USYD...we got dressed...i had a cocopops bomb strapped to me...i had to put a nun's habit on again...it was really crazy...all in the name of fun! So we shoot a couple of times...a dog and a couple come and watch us...the dog tries to get intimate with L and her sausage tray strapped to her thigh (meant to be another bomb)...CnC comes running from behind a tree ready to stab me with a BBQ fork...all in a day's work for the HI crew. *LoL*
We then decided it was a wrap...packed up...went back to the car...made way to Harry's, obviously there had to be a car incident or two...got out and rushed for lunch. After lunch we drove L and CnC back to their cars and E & i then headed to Parramtta Westfields and i went to buy more choc easter eggs...this time i remembered to bring my voucher...but it caused an incident! Like if you are a manager at Myers, shouldnt you know how to use the register? And wouldnt you know how to scan a voucher and then make whatever deductions you would have to do? How hard is it? Gosh, how did you get promoted to being a manager?!?!?! She took 15 minutes of E and my life...15 minutes that we would never get back!!!
=P
Going home from Parramatta, i made a conscious decision...i was going to find a way for me to get to Europe...for at least a holiday! I have always wanted to go and the plan was that when i graduated, i would work for a year and then pack my bags and travel for a bit...then come back and work again...but work got in the way...then other things happened...but since i dont plan from leaving the job that i am in now, i can plan my holiday without having to worry about it affecting my other responsibilities...i worked it out that i can save enough to go Europe by next year spring.
Today: So, i now have a goal...i have even decided on which tour i will join so that i would have company on my trip (90% sure)...i plan on extending the trip so that i can spend my own time exploring France, because a few hours in the Louvre just wont be enough for me. I spent all day yesterday looking at various tour companies and decided that i would go with someone tried and trusted...i wont be doing Contiki...i dont want to go out and drink...i dont want to actually socialise like that...i want to explore the country and absorb all the knowledge i can while im there...i plan on doing all things cultural and i'm going to abstain from shopping.
If you dont hear from me for the next 12 months or so, its because im hibernating at home and saving money!
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Settling down...
I was talking to a friend...(i'm always talking to a friend...)
And i realised that i'm nearly at that stage of settling down.
That stage where i want to do inane things like sitting at home watching DVDs.
That stage where i do scheduled things like going to the AGNSW "After Dark" on Wednesday or Drinks with friends on Friday after work or watch a foreign film at 1pm on Saturday after having brunch or sketching some pictures in my sketch journal on a Sunday afternoon.
And the most enjoyable part...i'm at that stage of just being at home. I want to cook dinners, invite friends over to play board games and talk over tea or wine and then go to bed at a decent hour after enjoying my day. (Maybe even hold a tea party on a Sunday!)
I want to sit at home and enjoy the company of my partner and just talk about things...anything...and everything.
And i think i am almost ready to get married and have kids.
*Shoot me now, i can't believe i admitted that!*
Why I say "nearly or almost", its because there are some things i would like to do before having children...the things where you need the freedom to do so...while i can still be selfish! Because once i have children, i would need to be selfless, and my idea of being a good mother is one that gives all of herself to her family...(and then trying to fit some time for herself - some where, some how, some way!)
I never thought that i could become a mother...i couldn't see myself having children and i think it was because in my previous life, not so long ago, i was selfish - purely career oriented and i was vain. I wanted success and i wanted to live out a life of luxury and freedom. I didn't want to suffer stretch marks, i didn't want to lose my figure, i didn't want to have to go through 9 hours or more of pain, or have many sleepless nights on end. But more importantly, i truly believed that i was incapable of being a good role model for my children or be able to provide enough for them and be responsible for them in the way that a good mother should.
You see bad examples of parenting out there and it does scare the bejeezus out of me. You see those kids who parents don't care about them all that much and don't bother teaching them anything. And so what type of hoons will they grow up to be???
I didn't see myself go through this change, until i openly admitted these things to my friend. How different i am now, compared to how i was only a year ago? I now want to take my nieces out to the zoo and spend quality time with them, I'm getting so bloody clucky! I can't believe that i am actually ready - now that i'm single?!?!
What kind of warped joke is this?
I walk past this store that sells fabric for curtains and upholstery during my lunch breaks...its very cute and quaint and it looks like they only stock quality fabrics...the store is called Harris & Nugent...and each time i walk towards it, my attention is sucked towards its window display, and i have this HUGE urge to buy a pre-loved armchair so that i could go and re-upholster it like the one they have in the window...like how stupid is that?
Its beyond being homely...i think im going crazy!
Who would have thought that when i turned 25 I would wake up and realise that I want what most women want...a life filled with wonderous memories, shared with a loving husband and a couple of beautiful happy children...with a loving extended family and circle of friends.
And i realised that i'm nearly at that stage of settling down.
That stage where i want to do inane things like sitting at home watching DVDs.
That stage where i do scheduled things like going to the AGNSW "After Dark" on Wednesday or Drinks with friends on Friday after work or watch a foreign film at 1pm on Saturday after having brunch or sketching some pictures in my sketch journal on a Sunday afternoon.
And the most enjoyable part...i'm at that stage of just being at home. I want to cook dinners, invite friends over to play board games and talk over tea or wine and then go to bed at a decent hour after enjoying my day. (Maybe even hold a tea party on a Sunday!)
I want to sit at home and enjoy the company of my partner and just talk about things...anything...and everything.
And i think i am almost ready to get married and have kids.
*Shoot me now, i can't believe i admitted that!*
Why I say "nearly or almost", its because there are some things i would like to do before having children...the things where you need the freedom to do so...while i can still be selfish! Because once i have children, i would need to be selfless, and my idea of being a good mother is one that gives all of herself to her family...(and then trying to fit some time for herself - some where, some how, some way!)
I never thought that i could become a mother...i couldn't see myself having children and i think it was because in my previous life, not so long ago, i was selfish - purely career oriented and i was vain. I wanted success and i wanted to live out a life of luxury and freedom. I didn't want to suffer stretch marks, i didn't want to lose my figure, i didn't want to have to go through 9 hours or more of pain, or have many sleepless nights on end. But more importantly, i truly believed that i was incapable of being a good role model for my children or be able to provide enough for them and be responsible for them in the way that a good mother should.
You see bad examples of parenting out there and it does scare the bejeezus out of me. You see those kids who parents don't care about them all that much and don't bother teaching them anything. And so what type of hoons will they grow up to be???
I didn't see myself go through this change, until i openly admitted these things to my friend. How different i am now, compared to how i was only a year ago? I now want to take my nieces out to the zoo and spend quality time with them, I'm getting so bloody clucky! I can't believe that i am actually ready - now that i'm single?!?!
What kind of warped joke is this?
I walk past this store that sells fabric for curtains and upholstery during my lunch breaks...its very cute and quaint and it looks like they only stock quality fabrics...the store is called Harris & Nugent...and each time i walk towards it, my attention is sucked towards its window display, and i have this HUGE urge to buy a pre-loved armchair so that i could go and re-upholster it like the one they have in the window...like how stupid is that?
Its beyond being homely...i think im going crazy!
Who would have thought that when i turned 25 I would wake up and realise that I want what most women want...a life filled with wonderous memories, shared with a loving husband and a couple of beautiful happy children...with a loving extended family and circle of friends.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Happy Easter!
The Operations Manager for one of the divisions is in a bunny suit with a red vest and red bow tie with sequins on it, and a basket filled with easter eggs!
*LoL*
There was a lady walking around with him who had a camera...im assuming there will be a pic of me smiling like an idiot on the intranet shortly.
Why oh why do my photos end up on the intranet...just like our Christmas party last year...there would be so many photos of other people and yet out of the hundreds that were taken, mine had to be one of the 20 that got loaded on the intranet!
>_<"
I feel like i keep getting caught with my skirt down around my ankles. (Not a good sight!)
***
On another note...my older brother came home for dinner with the girls and as he sat down he asked me:
"Since you're not seeing that guy...can i set you up?"
Me blinking...thinking wtf?
"No! And anyways, i'm picky these days, no smoking, no drinking, no gambling, he has to be tall..." (Threat to stop him from continuing this converstation)
He responds with:
"Its not like you're getting any younger...you should be married now, having kids!"
And then my mother butts in with:
"You shouldn't be picky, not now!" (And gives me an "I'm ashamed of you for being picky look!"
***
i'm getting worried that I am now the only person working in the company that fully understands how to do the project billing, and knows it in full circle.
Let me note, i shouldn't be the one chasing everyone, per se, to get every little bit of detail to do the project billing. I should be given everything i need and just enter final amounts and codes into a template. I shouldn't be asked to do any accounting, and i don't think i should be authorising anything.
The billing manager seems lost at most times and our training session was really about 10 minutes of her showing me a template. Great! Meanwhile, i had to fumble my way, scraped and scrunged around to collect every little detail and when i was done, she sent it back to me and i had to balance the bill. Although, as the finance person you would think that the billing manager would notice where the discrepancies were...but no, I pointed them out and showed the manager how to balance the bill! (At one section, she didn't do a sum and had typed in an arbitrary amount...throwing the bill way out! And she asked me how that happened? I suggested maybe she did a typo! I don't know...how am i to know how that happened?)
I had to speak to another guy and he is the person who should generates codes for rates, etc. and should know what the cost rates are versus the charge rates. And yet i was the one to tell him what the cost rates were...like that isn't the way its suppose to work!
The weirdest thing of all, this whole new billing process on our end has been created to comply with the SLA's that the client has asked us to follow to coincide with their billing process. But the client has no clue how it works...but its their billing process!?!?
The scariest thing of all...is since this is all new and i've learnt it...i'm the only one who knows about it from all angles - i have had to attack various people from different teams to get what i needed to process the bills.
But i'm a contractor and can move on to another project at any stage, and may not necessarily work with this client again.
I guess these things happen readily...my workmate suggested that I don't tell anyone that i know how the process goes...cos then i would be the "Go to" person, even when i'm off on another project.
I laughed and said, "i'll just charge extra!" (Well, i won't personally, but my company would sure try to!)
*evil laugh*
*LoL*
There was a lady walking around with him who had a camera...im assuming there will be a pic of me smiling like an idiot on the intranet shortly.
Why oh why do my photos end up on the intranet...just like our Christmas party last year...there would be so many photos of other people and yet out of the hundreds that were taken, mine had to be one of the 20 that got loaded on the intranet!
>_<"
I feel like i keep getting caught with my skirt down around my ankles. (Not a good sight!)
On another note...my older brother came home for dinner with the girls and as he sat down he asked me:
"Since you're not seeing that guy...can i set you up?"
Me blinking...thinking wtf?
"No! And anyways, i'm picky these days, no smoking, no drinking, no gambling, he has to be tall..." (Threat to stop him from continuing this converstation)
He responds with:
"Its not like you're getting any younger...you should be married now, having kids!"
And then my mother butts in with:
"You shouldn't be picky, not now!" (And gives me an "I'm ashamed of you for being picky look!"
i'm getting worried that I am now the only person working in the company that fully understands how to do the project billing, and knows it in full circle.
Let me note, i shouldn't be the one chasing everyone, per se, to get every little bit of detail to do the project billing. I should be given everything i need and just enter final amounts and codes into a template. I shouldn't be asked to do any accounting, and i don't think i should be authorising anything.
The billing manager seems lost at most times and our training session was really about 10 minutes of her showing me a template. Great! Meanwhile, i had to fumble my way, scraped and scrunged around to collect every little detail and when i was done, she sent it back to me and i had to balance the bill. Although, as the finance person you would think that the billing manager would notice where the discrepancies were...but no, I pointed them out and showed the manager how to balance the bill! (At one section, she didn't do a sum and had typed in an arbitrary amount...throwing the bill way out! And she asked me how that happened? I suggested maybe she did a typo! I don't know...how am i to know how that happened?)
I had to speak to another guy and he is the person who should generates codes for rates, etc. and should know what the cost rates are versus the charge rates. And yet i was the one to tell him what the cost rates were...like that isn't the way its suppose to work!
The weirdest thing of all, this whole new billing process on our end has been created to comply with the SLA's that the client has asked us to follow to coincide with their billing process. But the client has no clue how it works...but its their billing process!?!?
The scariest thing of all...is since this is all new and i've learnt it...i'm the only one who knows about it from all angles - i have had to attack various people from different teams to get what i needed to process the bills.
But i'm a contractor and can move on to another project at any stage, and may not necessarily work with this client again.
I guess these things happen readily...my workmate suggested that I don't tell anyone that i know how the process goes...cos then i would be the "Go to" person, even when i'm off on another project.
I laughed and said, "i'll just charge extra!" (Well, i won't personally, but my company would sure try to!)
*evil laugh*
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Try: "I'm hurting, but i'm okay."
I'm going to try and stay busy. It helps that everyone is celebrating their birthday too!
My birthday dinner went well...and i know now that i dont like tequila! Thanks to the select few that were invited and joined me, and thank you for the presents...(well, all the sensible ones!)...and you really didn't have to, i mean it, seriously...you didn't have to!!! I haven't even made a dent in the chocolate crackle CocoPops bomb!
=P
I think i've decided to party hard this Thursday night...well not party party, but have drinks and just let go. Enjoy the company and soak in the atmosphere.
I just need to remind myself that i need food and lots of water to balance things out...I dont want a hangover on Friday. I plan on reading Books 1-4 just for the heck of it, and it won't happen if i'm hung over!
I'm going to catch a french film on Saturday. It was a film wanted to watch during the festival, but didn't, cos he didn't want to go and watch it. So, my friend and i are going for brunch and then catch the flick in Paddington and then maybe we'll just loiter around a gallery or museum. Gosh, i miss being an arty fart!!!
Sunday will be family day...i promised my niece that i would paint her nails. hehehe...i did it once and she is waiting for me to do it again. We'll probably go and visit my Great Aunt too...which means we will be going to the markets...which also means i will be spending money on things that i don't really need!
Monday...L & E and I have decided...well, really it was L & I who decided that we would do some filming...but we might have to drag CnC as she isn't all too keen...the plan is to film and then we we'll go and have some Harry's...its been so long since the last time we had Harry's!
I need to do this. I need to try and keep myself from thinking about what has happened and all the "what if's". It's not healthy. Better to surround myself with the people who care about me and love me the way i am...who would never give up on me and will always stand by me.
I need to look at it as: "Change is good, but growing is better!"
I asked my ex (from before, now we're friends) how long it took him to stop loving me? He thinks it was a good couple of months. He realised that it wasn't doing him any good pining for me. I wonder if it will take me longer to get over "him"?
I told a girlfriend today, who recently found out that i was single now, that just because I'm good at being a b!tch and at pretending that i'm confident and happy, doesn't mean that i'm not broken down inside!
*finally the truth has been uttered*
*queue the next truth of the year*
I'm hurting, but i'm okay.
Seems to fit me well, those words.
My birthday dinner went well...and i know now that i dont like tequila! Thanks to the select few that were invited and joined me, and thank you for the presents...(well, all the sensible ones!)...and you really didn't have to, i mean it, seriously...you didn't have to!!! I haven't even made a dent in the chocolate crackle CocoPops bomb!
=P
I think i've decided to party hard this Thursday night...well not party party, but have drinks and just let go. Enjoy the company and soak in the atmosphere.
I just need to remind myself that i need food and lots of water to balance things out...I dont want a hangover on Friday. I plan on reading Books 1-4 just for the heck of it, and it won't happen if i'm hung over!
I'm going to catch a french film on Saturday. It was a film wanted to watch during the festival, but didn't, cos he didn't want to go and watch it. So, my friend and i are going for brunch and then catch the flick in Paddington and then maybe we'll just loiter around a gallery or museum. Gosh, i miss being an arty fart!!!
Sunday will be family day...i promised my niece that i would paint her nails. hehehe...i did it once and she is waiting for me to do it again. We'll probably go and visit my Great Aunt too...which means we will be going to the markets...which also means i will be spending money on things that i don't really need!
Monday...L & E and I have decided...well, really it was L & I who decided that we would do some filming...but we might have to drag CnC as she isn't all too keen...the plan is to film and then we we'll go and have some Harry's...its been so long since the last time we had Harry's!
I need to do this. I need to try and keep myself from thinking about what has happened and all the "what if's". It's not healthy. Better to surround myself with the people who care about me and love me the way i am...who would never give up on me and will always stand by me.
I need to look at it as: "Change is good, but growing is better!"
I asked my ex (from before, now we're friends) how long it took him to stop loving me? He thinks it was a good couple of months. He realised that it wasn't doing him any good pining for me. I wonder if it will take me longer to get over "him"?
I told a girlfriend today, who recently found out that i was single now, that just because I'm good at being a b!tch and at pretending that i'm confident and happy, doesn't mean that i'm not broken down inside!
*finally the truth has been uttered*
*queue the next truth of the year*
I'm hurting, but i'm okay.
Seems to fit me well, those words.
Friday, April 07, 2006
wanted!
Its always nice to know that people are looking for work for you...
Its also always nice to know that your PM has introduced you to other PM's by name only - no one really knows my face...and other PM's offer you work, purely by reputation.
I think its great.
I hope my company appreciates that I am appreciated by our client and im basically generating money for them.
And with all these prospects ahead of me...it looks like the road to project management is ever closer.
I think this is a moment for me to ponder and appreciate that at least my career is fast tracking in the right direction.
***
For my birthday i was suprised by a box on my desk. It was a box of tulips...my favourite flower. It was from him...i was dumbfounded and my colleague asked me if anything was wrong? I wasnt expecting anything. It was a BIG surprise. It was bitter sweet.
***
I met up with a friend for lunch. He gave me a present too for my birthday. It was very thoughtful. It comprised of a sketch journal and a tin of soft lead pencils and also a miniature sketch model. He was trying to inspire me to go back to my creativity. I was absolutely in awe and oh so happy.
***
I am blessed. I guess this is a retrospective. I may not be loved by that one, but I am loved by some and they love me unconditionally. What more can a girl ask?
***
Dinner tomorrow night to celebrate. I have ordered an ice cream cake for myself for dessert. One of the PM's i worked with previously told me that the restaurant that we will be going to is really good. I hope so. I hope they are nice...I wonder if I get to speak some of my French with the waiters? hehehe...
***
Currently surrounded by drinking workmates in the office...they are getting quite rowdy. I'm going to go and mingle now...while i wait for the company mini bus that will take me back to the train station.
Have a good weekend if you are reading this!
Its also always nice to know that your PM has introduced you to other PM's by name only - no one really knows my face...and other PM's offer you work, purely by reputation.
I think its great.
I hope my company appreciates that I am appreciated by our client and im basically generating money for them.
And with all these prospects ahead of me...it looks like the road to project management is ever closer.
I think this is a moment for me to ponder and appreciate that at least my career is fast tracking in the right direction.
For my birthday i was suprised by a box on my desk. It was a box of tulips...my favourite flower. It was from him...i was dumbfounded and my colleague asked me if anything was wrong? I wasnt expecting anything. It was a BIG surprise. It was bitter sweet.
I met up with a friend for lunch. He gave me a present too for my birthday. It was very thoughtful. It comprised of a sketch journal and a tin of soft lead pencils and also a miniature sketch model. He was trying to inspire me to go back to my creativity. I was absolutely in awe and oh so happy.
I am blessed. I guess this is a retrospective. I may not be loved by that one, but I am loved by some and they love me unconditionally. What more can a girl ask?
Dinner tomorrow night to celebrate. I have ordered an ice cream cake for myself for dessert. One of the PM's i worked with previously told me that the restaurant that we will be going to is really good. I hope so. I hope they are nice...I wonder if I get to speak some of my French with the waiters? hehehe...
Currently surrounded by drinking workmates in the office...they are getting quite rowdy. I'm going to go and mingle now...while i wait for the company mini bus that will take me back to the train station.
Have a good weekend if you are reading this!
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Hip. Hip. Hooray.
At least one person seemed to care to say "Happy Birthday!"
Which was followed by 13 or so punches...and then he realised he was going to be late for the gym and so he told me he would owe me the rest later.
Thanks.
I'm 25 and im still alive.
Guess that is something to be grateful for.
When i was in my teens, I was thinking, if I had a choice, I would choose to die at 30. At the pinnacle of my life. And at least there would be people to cry at my funeral...and in terms of vanity, I would look good dead. So, that would be on the plus side, right?
I think I was envisioning that I would die alone...and if that was the case, then why suffer 50 odd years or more being just that - alone? Might as well be alone for a short time, it wouldn't get old and I would still have friends and family around to grieve over me.
But 30 is only 5 years away now. Very short. I still want to travel the world, but I can't right now. I guess I should put together a plan and action it before I turn 30...that would give me 5 years to achieve it...and thats doable, right?
Happy Birthday to me.
Hip.
Hip.
Hooray.
Which was followed by 13 or so punches...and then he realised he was going to be late for the gym and so he told me he would owe me the rest later.
Thanks.
I'm 25 and im still alive.
Guess that is something to be grateful for.
When i was in my teens, I was thinking, if I had a choice, I would choose to die at 30. At the pinnacle of my life. And at least there would be people to cry at my funeral...and in terms of vanity, I would look good dead. So, that would be on the plus side, right?
I think I was envisioning that I would die alone...and if that was the case, then why suffer 50 odd years or more being just that - alone? Might as well be alone for a short time, it wouldn't get old and I would still have friends and family around to grieve over me.
But 30 is only 5 years away now. Very short. I still want to travel the world, but I can't right now. I guess I should put together a plan and action it before I turn 30...that would give me 5 years to achieve it...and thats doable, right?
Happy Birthday to me.
Hip.
Hip.
Hooray.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Unfold or Explode?
I apologise for being placid...looking and acting pretty much like a zombie...
I also apologise now to the poor person (or persons) that will suffer my wrath when all my emotions start pouring out due to something that you have said to me, that may have been significant, maybe not...might have been intentional...might be meaningless...but it triggered something in me and allowed me to let all my angst and heartache come out.
Truth of the matter is, after i lash out, i will appreciate what you have done for me, even if it was in an indirect way. Because right now, i feel like a bomb, encapsulated, slowly ticking away and i wont even know when i will go off, until i hear it - *KaBoom!*
But i thank you for helping me lift the weight and be completely emancipated.
I'm not sure what it is that is making me hold in all that i feel. Or maybe im just hollow on the inside and numb on the outside and therefore, im not quite a human being who is capable of expressing what she feels, when she isnt quite feeling?
I turn 25 tomorrow, it should be the beginning of something new...a new chapter in my life...I wanted it to be the beginning of a new chapter of my life together with him...but i guess that isn't happening now. The plan has changed on me so suddenly and caught me off-guard, unfortunately. And so, i don't have a contigency plan for this life project.
I hope its true, when people say that "time heals all wounds"...
I'll give myself time and see how things pan out.
Unfold
words & music by jason mraz
Hands in line
Arms close to my side
I'm fighting tides of an ocean's undertow
And I figure I might not make it
And I'm taking empty
But seldom keeping
And the words retreat breathing histories into stories untold
And I unfold.
My hands are high
And I'm holding out, holding up
Because I figure that I just might make it
And I'm waking empty but seldom sleeping
And the words repeat breathing histories into stories untold
And I unfold.
Quality is what you see now in the corner of your eye.
Don't be surprised if you hear the bells ring
They form from the sky and they sound bong, bong, bong
And I'm holding up because I figure that I just make it.
And I'm waking empty but seldom sleeping
And the words repeat breathing histories into stories untold
And I unfold.
I also apologise now to the poor person (or persons) that will suffer my wrath when all my emotions start pouring out due to something that you have said to me, that may have been significant, maybe not...might have been intentional...might be meaningless...but it triggered something in me and allowed me to let all my angst and heartache come out.
Truth of the matter is, after i lash out, i will appreciate what you have done for me, even if it was in an indirect way. Because right now, i feel like a bomb, encapsulated, slowly ticking away and i wont even know when i will go off, until i hear it - *KaBoom!*
But i thank you for helping me lift the weight and be completely emancipated.
I'm not sure what it is that is making me hold in all that i feel. Or maybe im just hollow on the inside and numb on the outside and therefore, im not quite a human being who is capable of expressing what she feels, when she isnt quite feeling?
I turn 25 tomorrow, it should be the beginning of something new...a new chapter in my life...I wanted it to be the beginning of a new chapter of my life together with him...but i guess that isn't happening now. The plan has changed on me so suddenly and caught me off-guard, unfortunately. And so, i don't have a contigency plan for this life project.
I hope its true, when people say that "time heals all wounds"...
I'll give myself time and see how things pan out.
Unfold
words & music by jason mraz
Hands in line
Arms close to my side
I'm fighting tides of an ocean's undertow
And I figure I might not make it
And I'm taking empty
But seldom keeping
And the words retreat breathing histories into stories untold
And I unfold.
My hands are high
And I'm holding out, holding up
Because I figure that I just might make it
And I'm waking empty but seldom sleeping
And the words repeat breathing histories into stories untold
And I unfold.
Quality is what you see now in the corner of your eye.
Don't be surprised if you hear the bells ring
They form from the sky and they sound bong, bong, bong
And I'm holding up because I figure that I just make it.
And I'm waking empty but seldom sleeping
And the words repeat breathing histories into stories untold
And I unfold.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
April Fool...
Ironically enough, she heard Nelson Munst laughing out loud: "Har, har!"
She had never thought of getting married any time before.
Then she met him.
He had always wanted to get married.
He promised to love her forever.
She fell hard, had a change of heart and decided that he was the one.
He then had "issues" in his life, and started pushing her away.
She tried to stand by him, but got impatient. How long is one to wait? Not forever...
Although, she was ever hopeful that things would get better...(perhaps by her birthday?)
She had promised a bride-to-be that she would go to the Bridal Expo with her...(to get ideas of her own, i think.)
But the night before the Expo, he broke her heart. It was over.
She powered on the next morning and went to the Expo in support of the bride-to-be.
Only, she gets slapped in the face with the realisation that she may never be so lucky...
Pretty bridal gowns...pretty flowers...pretty diamonds...pretty photographic memories...pretty cakes...pretty ultra romantic honeymoons...pretty cars...pretty stationary...
Why is it so hard for her to find one guy? And she was so sure that he was the one.
He was the one that said he wanted her to be with him forever!
He was the one who said that they would never be apart!
He had promised to love her for all eternity!
And in the background, she still heard Nelson Munst laughing, going "Har, har!"
but how was i to know which way the story goes
how was i to know you'd say
you'd say you'd say you'd say goodbye...
i've always been in love with you
i guess you've always known its true
you took my love for granted
why oh why
the show is over say good bye
She had never thought of getting married any time before.
Then she met him.
He had always wanted to get married.
He promised to love her forever.
She fell hard, had a change of heart and decided that he was the one.
He then had "issues" in his life, and started pushing her away.
She tried to stand by him, but got impatient. How long is one to wait? Not forever...
Although, she was ever hopeful that things would get better...(perhaps by her birthday?)
She had promised a bride-to-be that she would go to the Bridal Expo with her...(to get ideas of her own, i think.)
But the night before the Expo, he broke her heart. It was over.
She powered on the next morning and went to the Expo in support of the bride-to-be.
Only, she gets slapped in the face with the realisation that she may never be so lucky...
Pretty bridal gowns...pretty flowers...pretty diamonds...pretty photographic memories...pretty cakes...pretty ultra romantic honeymoons...pretty cars...pretty stationary...
Why is it so hard for her to find one guy? And she was so sure that he was the one.
He was the one that said he wanted her to be with him forever!
He was the one who said that they would never be apart!
He had promised to love her for all eternity!
And in the background, she still heard Nelson Munst laughing, going "Har, har!"
how was i to know you'd say
you'd say you'd say you'd say goodbye...
i've always been in love with you
i guess you've always known its true
you took my love for granted
why oh why
the show is over say good bye
