Confronting my fears...

Growing old: Im not worried about dying...quite frankly, if you recall...i wouldnt mind dying when i reach 30. Thats not long considering that im 23 now...but hey, thats what i want, not sure if im gonna get it...but anyways...i fear looking terrible when i age...like when i get to 50...how would i look? Id like to age gracefully...but who knows...?

Im grateful that everyone says (well researchers & doctors alike), you just need to look to your parents for the blue prints of your future. My mother will be 50 this year, and to me...she is looking fit for her age. She still has a great figure, curves in the right places...although after 3 children she has a bit of a belly...but i think that comes with the territory of being a mum.

Being lonely: So, long as i have friends...so long as i can keep myself busy...i dont feel lonely. I read a friends blog...and he said he wanted to enter in the Archibald one day...i wouldnt mind doing that one day too...i loved painting and making sculptures...i want to buy an easel and paint more often...i'll do it one day, when im bored and feeling lonesome.

Cleaning my room: I am literally scared of cleaning my room...I may appear to be an immaculate perfectionist on the outside...and i am. But like most genius' (im not...but to colourfully paint my picture, i'll use this analogy), i have a room that looks like a tornado has hit it.

I fear that if i clean my room...i will lose all the things that i treasure...or i may throw out something that i will need in a months time. I have placed everything within arms length...ahahhaa...even though it looks messy, i know where everything is currently located.

I dont think it helps much that my room is tiny and yet i have over 70 pairs of shoes, over 50 bags, and so many pieces of clothing!!! Its crazy!!! I think i will make this another project for my bored days...

Motherhood: I think every woman can honestly say that she didnt know what to expect or whether she would be a good mother...as i carry Aimee (niece #2) in my arms, i think "gee...i put her to sleep...maybe i could be a mother after all..." Although, i dont want kids...is that selfish of me? Possibly, but then again, to me...i think im being a good samaritan to the future poor soul who would have been unfortunate enough to get the short straw and be my kid.

I think im irresponsible, hot tempered, irrational, impatient, all of the bad things under the sun! But hey, im being honest...i shouldnt "cut it" to be a mother...but im not anti-motherhood either. I'm not a feminist in that way. I believe woman have the choice to be mothers, and i believe that if u want kids, then you should be responsible about it and be at home for your children as much as you can.

I think, preferrably...you should be an at home mother until your child is old enough to fully express whatever pain they are feeling, or when they can tell you specifically that it was Kathy who kicked her shin during lunch, so that you can go in and tell Kathy's mother off for being a bad mother...or instructing your child to kick Kathy back when she gets the first chance!!! (You see, im too volatile...not good for motherhood!)

2 year old vegetarians: my niece #1 - Chloe...she is a vegetarian by choice. She didnt want to drink milk from about the age of 4 months...according to the child psychologist, in her mind, because she is very mature...she wants to eat the food we (adults) eat. What i want to know, is what made her decide to abstain from eating meat?! Hello, us adults that surround her are all meat eaters!!! If she wants to eat what we want to eat, then why isnt she eating meat?! Give her any form of greens, and she will consume it like no tomoro...give her a bite of beef/pork/fish/chicken/etc...and she will push the spoon/fork away and say "NO!"

She is not only a vegetarian by choice, but she has mood swings and gets upset...sometimes she does resemble an adult with depression...especially when her sister Aimee was born...she actually went on a starvation strike! I had to lure her out to McD's one day so that she could play in the playground and get a free toy with the Happy Meal...and altho it may not be the most nutritious meal ever...i was over the moon that she ate 3/4 of the cheeseburger and some fries and she was eating my berri-nice yogurt. She wouldnt eat dinner the nite before and she wouldnt have breakfast...so you can see why i was over the moon that she ate, let alone consuming something that resembled meat!

What worries me further is the fact that Aimee who is only 2 months old...is actually laughing and responds when you call or speak to her...not that its a bad thing that a baby can respond to someone calling her or speaking to her...its just a matter of how developed her mind is that im a bit worried about. If Chloe is a 2 y/o vegetarian by choice...what will Aimee be at 2? What will happen when they reach their teens?

I look at my younger brother and his declarations of love to his gf. He argues with my mother that he is "old enough" now. All these young beings thinking that they are old enough really worries me further. I look at my cousins, all of whom have had boyfriends when they were as young as 11 y/o. At this point i cry "What is wrong with today's youths?"

One of my cousins use to feel strongly about family and the bonds we share...at family outings - she would be there playing with the younger kids, because she loved kids...now, you wouldnt find her even close to a family outing...she would be out with her bf. Altho they go to the same College...and see eachother because they are in the same classes...and she sees him every nite and most mornings he would be picking her up...and all weekend if they arent working they would be seeing eachother...

Im the claustraphobic type...if i saw my partner that much, i think i would hyperventilate and pass out from seeing him too much...Her mother is worried...not that my cousin cares...she use to be trustworthy, now you cant rely on her to be there like before...And this isnt her first boyfriend either...I guess she feels that she loves this bf more than any other before, which would explain her behaviour today.

This is getting too long...i think im just going to end it here...