Have you ever saw yourself fat?

I sometimes look at my reflection in the mirror and sometimes what i see and what gets processed in my head and what ino i am, are not one and the same.

Its really sad that some how, some way i have this warped view of what i look like. I know im healthy for my age, height, weight, and my heart is in good condition. I work out as regularly as i can...i try to eat healthy...altho i shouldnt kid myself by saying that i DO eat healthy - but i try.

I dont have a weight issue per se. I just want to be tall, thin and beautiful! *LoL* Ironic, im genetically pre-disposed to short, curvy, and erm...passable. ahahhaa Its more of a mental thing, really...

Its not like im not eating, i dont believe in starving myself. i dont really want to be thin...i just want to be thinner than what i am now. Does that make sense? Pity i happen to like food...

What really gets to me is that i can sometimes look at myself and see someone thats not the "normal" me, but a fatter version! I think some girls will understand what i mean...(and some guys too). There will be times u just wake up and look in the mirror and your face seems to have added a kilo over nite. On other occasions i look at myself and it would seem like my waist has increased by 3 inches...my thighs have ballooned in proportion like a chicken drumstick, really big at the top and skinny ankles at the bottom.

Its like some fotos, you look nice and slender, really toned...and sometimes there is a shot of you that makes you look like a beached whale all from the same occasion! But thats the camera and the pose that the camera captured at that particular time. When you look at the mirror...it could be the type of mirror you are looking at which alters what you see, but im talking about the mirror in my bathroom...and im referring only to this mirror...and from this one mirror i have looked anorexic at some stage, normal at other times, and then the worst of all...fat!

Its quite devastating that this perception that you have of urself is distorted...and therefore you cant really put the way you look into a "better" perspective, as the current visual you have in your head is wrong.

Even when i look down at my body, like a birds eye view of my waist, hips and thighs...once again what i see may not be what others see...and thats another scary thing. What do people really see of me?

Is it like your voice? What others hear as your voice, is not what you actually hear in your head. The way you look, do others see something different to what you see? Do they see the same thing that is represented as a reflection in the mirror? So, although i may not be fat, but i sometimes see a person that is fat in the mirror...is that what others see of me???

It really screws my head in, because i do believe that beauty is skin deep...but it becomes quite complicated if what you see, makes you feel crap and therefore not actually beautiful on the inside...so no beauty can really resonate to the outside. Right?

I think this is ultimately why girls bring a trusted friend shopping with them to ask that question: "Does my butt look fat in this?" Its because we cant really decipher the twisted version of what we are seeing, because more often than not, what we are seeing is a "fatter" version of ourselves. You would ask your trusted friend that question, because uno that for your dignity and their's (for being your friend while you wear whatever it is you are wearing) they will tell you if it looks good on you or if its soo not!

I think im writing this in vain...i should really appreciate the fact that im healthy with all my limbs attached and that im without any real health problems, unlike the anorexics or bulimics out there. I guess this will provide insight as to how people with eating disorders perceive themselves, which leads them to starvation or binge eating. They have this warped view that they are "fat" although they arent...what i described is just my own neurosis...imagine what theirs would be like...

=(