Guilty as S.I.N.

I had been trying to arrange a time with my personal trainer...who is more like my friend now...for a session to whip me back into shape.

But every time we arrange a date and time, he had to cancel on me because he had something else to do...be it some Fitness Expo...another appointment...and then i was told, hurting his back.

Its been about 1-2 months of trying to set up an appointment. So, i devised my own workout program to get me started.

I went to the gym last night as usual. Being a Tuesday night i did my cardio and then went to do my Body Balance class. I left the class slightly early than normal and walked into the circuit room, only to find my personal trainer there...and he looked so guilty, as though i had caught him having sex with a co-worker! But all he was really doing was the seated row for his back and talking to another client/friend.

He looked at me with shame, and i maturely heckled the life out of him, increasing the amount of guilt he was feeling. The other client/friend was also paying him out...telling him "I hate when men don't return phone calls!!! You're one of those guys, aren't you?" And then he tried to explain...

He had the Fitness Expo so he had to cancel that weekend...and then he hurt his back...he doesnt check his phone regularly...well he doesnt carry it around often...he was organising his trip, in which he will be leaving to go to in a weeks time...i should email him, cos he does check his emails regularly...and i told him i did, trying to rearrange another date/time...then he said email me again...then he set an appointment for this Sunday at 1pm...i was like "Are you sure???"...he said that the other client/friend will be his witness!...he better not screw up this time!!!

*LoL*

I love seeing big brave "nothing scares me" type of men just shake with fear when they get caught and/or cornered!!! My personal trainer is a buff guy. And yet he was scared of two girls that he could bench with his little pinky!

After he explained...the client/friend asked him a general question "Why don't men return calls?" He must have been so guilty cos he started to explain himself again...*LoL*...and i pointed out and so did she, that that question was about the general male population...not about him...

I then added the "digging" hand gesture...and i told him that he ain't gonna be getting out any time soon!

***

Speaking of guilt...

I was looked after well by a GP last year for my broken ankle...and quite frankly he is a fabulous doctor...but because he is a "he" i didnt want to go back to him to do my physical and feminine checks. My local GP that i have been seeing since i was 2.5 y/o is also a great doctor...but he is also a "he" and so i didnt want him to do my physical or feminine checks either.

So, what is a girl to do? I really wanted to get my checks done...since im 25 now and i should start monitoring my health...but i really wanted to be seen by a female GP and i recalled a really good one (well she had a lot of female patients, I had noticed when i was sitting in the waiting room) when i use to visit the fabulous GP for my ankle. It was one of his colleagues. So, i went and made a visit with her and got my physical and feminine checks done.

But as i am sitting in the waiting area, i get caught by the fabulous GP sitting there waiting...but not waiting for him.

I feel like i am cheating on him by seeing another GP, and a female no less.

Is this the equivalent of going out with a guy and then dumping him for a girl???

Cos that would be a slap to the face.

I wonder if he is wondering whether he has done anything wrong, that i felt unsafe to make my visits with him...? That maybe in the past he had crossed the line of ethics and it has made me decide to see a "female" GP instead???

Let me say, that is not the case!!!

He has never crossed any lines or made me feel uncomfortable. He has always been professional with the way he treated me as a patient. Its just that since i needed to do a variety of "feminine checks"...i really needed a female doctor to do them and then explain to me as a woman can...to reassure me that everything is okay in the female way...to know that the doctor is a female and knows exactly what i am going through. I was anxious about getting all the checks done as is. Having a male doctor conduct them, just didnt cut it for me.

Yesterday, i had to go back and get my results...and when you get your results, you generally should go back to the doctor who has conducted the tests. So, i went back to see her. And he caught me again, waiting to be seen by her...and i felt guilty again.

She is an awesome doctor...just as great as he is...i'd like to continue to see the both of them...and i'm wondering whether its possible in such a relationship??? Would i be in the wrong for doing so???

hmm...

The gift of self is not the gift of one's heart or body but of will...

I have almost finished reading this book by Clare Boylan. She is an unknown author to me and the only reason why i purchased this book was because the first 2 chapters were written by Charlotte Bronte and was never completed by her. 150 years later, Clare Boylan picked up where she left off and finished the novel "Emma Brown".

I buy books to read on the train. I try to read at home but i never do so, because DVDs are more appealing when addressing my idleness, and when i realise that im pathetically sitting at home watching DVDs, i counteract the idleness with a frantic session at the gym in the afternoon.

Its a vicious cycle i live by.

And since i only read books on the train, i try to pick books that are interesting. I'm reading it for the story telling...a means to transport me to a different place...perhaps adding a little romance...preferably funny or utterly thrilling...but i never really anticipate that i would learn a thing or two that really matters. Fictional novels, in my opinion don't go out of their way and try to teach you life lessons, these days.

So, its peculiar that the novels i have been reading have sublimely taught me a thing or two. And im not talking about facts of things that the story is based on...im talking about humility, patience, knowing how to speak to someone in a very polite manner, which in turn shows them their evil...uno, that stuff!

And the title of this post, came from Emma Brown. I think it is an excellent quote. Simple and straight to the point.

The gift of self is not the gift of one's heart or body but of will...

I didnt expect Clare Boylan to do a good job at finishing off what Bronte had started, but she did. And that clever line is from Boylan, as it is located on page 381, very far from the first 2 chapters.
;)

I also have to admit, that the first 2 chapters set the scene, but it was a very mundane presentation. Boylan really takes it up a few notches to make the ride thrilling and there are a few twist in the story that really makes you go "ooo"...

I know i havent actually written anything about the storyline, and that was my intention. If you are interested - maybe from the Bronte connection, I picked up my copy at the Basement Book Store near Central Station. I think it was like $4.95. But beware, its not a juicy novel like Jane Eyre (as juicy as things could be in those days)...as its a novel about a (little) girl.

***

I will be moving back to the CBD this Friday...into my own office...not sure how long this will be for.

***

I was talking to my mum on the weekend and at the end of my conversation with my mother I had pretty much decided that if the guy I loved proposed to me and we really couldn’t afford to have the type of wedding I had dreamt of…I think I would still be happy with a little get together and just do the signing of the marriage certificate amongst my family and close friends. At the end of the day, I would just want to be with the person…and I don’t like complications anyway.

I think I’m gradually stripping down my life and lifestyle to simplify things. And its not like I intend on running around and looking for the mister ASAP. I’m just saying. Instead of struggling to make my dream wedding occur now and therefore postponing it from happening; while desperately trying to save money for it in the next couple of years, I would happily have a small wedding to be with him sooner.

And I’m so glad that my mother didn’t rant and rave like I thought she would…being her only daughter and not having a BIG wedding, yadda, yadda, yadda. She agreed. She said “you are marrying him…not the wedding…not the jewellery…if you love him and the two of you can’t afford to have a dream wedding, just go and sign the papers!”

Speaking of weddings…E thinks he wants to marry…I asked him if he was sure…he told me to go find him a “Joey” as in Joey from Dawson’s Creek…I personally think that that is a lost cause…I don’t know of any "Joey’s" and have never seen a "Joey" in Sydney…how would I go and find him one?! He would have better luck than I to find himself a chick…but I’ll keep an eye out for him.

We figured last week that E is my version of Miranda Hobbs (Sex and the City). Since I’m sorta like Carrie…and he threatened me like Miranda…so now he is my Miranda. I also have my version of Will (Will & Grace)…although, my Will isn’t gay and he is a bit offended that I think of him as my Will…but our relationship is like Will & Grace’s…so tough luck…he is my Will.

After telling L about E being my Miranda...L revealed that E already told her...and they figured that L is my Samantha...when she told me, i just cracked up...cos uno what??? She would make the perfect Samantha...L has got the balls to fit!!!

***

I miss cooking…I actually enjoy cooking…even though I am crap at it. But i realise that when i watch the Saturday cooking show or any other cooking show on tv...i dont look and think that its too hard to do...im no longer afraid...i actually think to myself "Hey, i can do that!"

***

I realise that I don’t actually need a guy for anything but for his love…and the guy that I want to be with needs to be self sufficient, as I am, and only cares for the love I can offer him.

***

I use to be scared of dying lonely. It used to be my one and only fear. But I’m not afraid of it right now, although everyone else around me is…

***

My nieces enable to me smile and laugh heartily again.

Quiet on the blog...

You can definitely tell when i am busy with meetings and with work...

My blog goes really quiet.

I "actually" don't have the time to share my dramas with you. (My friends are laughing at this notion...i can hear you giggling in the back there!)
=P

I was invited for drinks after work to catch up with my uni friends. I declined because I had a shitty stressful day where i happened upon a minefield and the bombs were starting to go off around me! Now i understand the real reason for my engagement to join that particular project. So, i could be the one holding on to the mast as the ship is sinking in the deep blue ocean!

So, i thought the bright idea is to go home and go to the gym. I didnt quite get to the gym and i ended up sitting at home watching Veronica Mars and thinking "OMG, she is graduating from highschool...whats going to happen next, will there be a Season 3?" Then i progressed to watching Season 4 of Sex and the City...and i wondered about the topics raised in the episodes about love and life and soul mates.

My Varekai (Cirque du Soleil) tix arrived yesterday...i know i said i wouldnt mention him, but i bought the tix for him as a present. So, i have to mention him now...*fudge* it didnt last long did it?! So, i called to ask him if he wanted me to send it via mail to his place...he told me to keep them since he is wont be in the country between June-September...he has no real plans, but thats the time he has requested for leave from work.

I could either sell my tix on Ebay, which are in a really good position in terms of view of the stage...OR keep them and go with someone. Anyone want to offer their good services? You can come, but you have to be a gentleman and pick me up...i think its a good trade for awesome tix to a talked about event.

I decided to do something quirky this year for Mother's Day. Last year i took Mum up the Centrepoint Tower for lunch...only because she has lived in Sydney all of my life and had never been up the Tower...which is why i chose to do lunch there. This year, i thought if i cant bring her to the great galleries abroad, i will take her to our own gallery that is currently exhibiting wonderful self portraits of artists from all over the world. Well the artists are from all over the world...the paintings have been in London and are now on show in Sydney. Sunday will be the last day of the exhibition...we just made the cut!

I not only get to show her these paintings...its a little deeper than that. I figured this year, i would show her what i do, when i say "i'm going to the gallery!" on the weekend. And i get to share a moment with her, that she might never actually share with me. And if she enjoys it, we can go to more of them in the future...pending on her reaction as she isn't quite into art as i am.

Then, i will be taking her to lunch. Nothing too fancy...as another novelty, i decided that i would take her to Little Snail...i have never taken her to have French food...but more so, i'll order the escargot and she can try them. She was sqirming at the idea when i told her last night...but i know she will try them...so she can boast to her friends when she meets up with them next.

Its become a tradition that every Mother's Day, i take her out and we do something she hasn't tried before. Its a girls day out and she looks forward to it. People tell her that she is lucky to have me as a daughter...a daughter that enjoys her mother's company and actually spends quality time with her.

To all the daughters out there, who are not accustomed to hanging out with their mothers, I ask of you to take some time out this Sunday and talk to her. Make her feel as though she is still of some importance to you. You may have moved on because you are an adult now...so give your mother a call if you can't go and see her and wish her a Happy Mother's Day!

Mr. Big

I watched Season 2 of Sex and the City and it felt like I was watching my ex and I in the last couple of moments of our relationship.

It was gut wrenching and painful as much as it was insightful and liberating.

One moment especially on Disc 2, Episode 12 sounded a clear “ding!”

Why didn’t I remember this episode? And what is worse? The fact that what happened, I actually had a heads up on? Or the fact that this happens often enough that the writers had put it into script for Carrie and Mr Big, and my past with the ex is overtly a common cliché?

The scene that hit me like a frying pan to the face is when Carrie is told by Mr Big that he might move to Paris permanently for 3 years or so for work. What hurts is the simple fact that he says it without Carrie even considered in his “bigger” picture.

And it hurts - A LOT! (and I am speaking from example). It really shatters you when someone is planning on moving away for bigger and better things and you’re not even factored in to their plans. That this person who told you that they “loved you” didn’t think about what their move would mean to you, what it would in future entail for the relationship.

I didn’t have the luxury of this information being sprung on me in the privacy of my home or his. I was accidentally told this information when we were supposed to be having a romantic lunch for Valentines Day at a poshy restaurant in the CBD.

So, I couldn’t really break out into hysterics and although McD’s was downstairs on the corner, I didn’t have a Big Mac or a Fillet O fish at my disposal to throw against the wall near his head. I tried to stay composed and not cause a scene since it was lunch and very busy in the restaurant.

In retrospect, I should have realised that that was the beginning of the end. The demise. But I know why I kept going. I wanted to believe that I could make it work. What I didn’t understand, or more so, I didn’t want to believe that it really did take two to tango. And I didn’t want to believe that he wasn’t there to dance with me. I really thought that he felt the same way about me as I did for him. So, in the end, no matter what, it would work because we would make it work.

It was the perfect opportunity to cry all of my tears, but I didn’t. I think it was because I had realised something else the day before.

I truly believe that knowledge = power. What you know and how you use that knowledge enables you to get what you want. My mistake in the relationship was telling my ex that he was knowledgeable. I gave him the power in our relationship. I enabled him to manipulate me and break my heart as much as I did this to myself.

I don’t know why, but for some reason I had place a time limit on “love” and a time limit for finding someone to “love”. I am blind and stupid. There is no limit. Love is a verb and no amount of time can stop you from loving someone until you disappear from the face of the earth. And even then, who is to say that your love will no longer be felt by those you have left behind?

I feel empowered with this knowledge.

The other pieces of knowledge that gives me power…

He doesn’t deserve me if he couldn’t see what he had when it was right in front of him.

I have the capacity to love someone.

I knew and know what I want in another.

With regards to my feelings about relationships…I use to be a Charlotte, and then I turned into a Miranda. I soon became a Carrie and I think I’m still hovering around there…and I don’t want to be a Samantha.

If I saw my ex at the end of his engagement party with a “simply beige” type of girl…my one question would be the same as Carrie’s.

I will not be running around in desperation when I’m in my mid 30’s to find someone to marry. It will not be part of my mission statement.

The plant he bought me at the beginning of our relationship has been dying for a month now, slowly leaf by leaf, stalk by stalk. I wonder if plants share our feelings too, like pets do. I think it is definitely time to move on.

Its time to stop talking about the ex…so, no more mentioning of the ex.

Mumblings...

I’m officially on 2 projects. The 3rd project is on the bench, awaiting my assessment of my time to see if I can accommodate.

I will be moving to the CBD shortly…they couldn’t find me a desk…so I will be given an office. I will be the only one who will have an office. The Manager of my manger wanted that room as his office…I think this is another moment where I could potentially be killing my career. You should never tread on the toes of your boss and take away something they want!

One of the projects I am working on is a fairly small one…so I’m going to be managing ONE guy. *LoL* I thought this was hilarious…the way the PM was giving me all the details and basically telling me to get this one guy to do everything! As M puts it “delegate, delegate, delegate”.


I saw this kid at the shopping centre last night. His face was horribly disfigured. Not sure if you would recall, there was a story on 60 minutes or on the news or ACA…and it was of an African kid (I think) where half his face was drooping down, his lower lip was drooping like 5 cm below his chin??? This kid at the shops had the same disfigurement. But unlike his African counterpart, I don’t think he will be able to get plastic surgery to fix it. I know I shouldn’t have stared at the kid. But it wasn’t like I was trying to make him feel bad. And I don’t think I was looking at him with repulsion. I was looking at him with empathy.

Once again, another innocent soul suffering – what for? You can’t say he was evil and deserved it, the kid was barely 12 y/o and nothing he has done in his whole existence would warrant such a disfigurement.

I hoped he realised that I wasn’t giving him a bad look…that I was actually giving him sympathy…or maybe he didn’t want it, and maybe he thought I was pitying him which he found pathetic for a woman of my age and my looks to have been offering. He raised the book he was reading to cover his face. I wished I had the courage to walk up to him and tell him not to shy from other people because it was not his fault that he looked that way – but then he might ask me who’s fault is it?

When I got home, I wondered whether he would have been bullied by the kids at school or perhaps the kids were encouraging and supportive because they knew it wasn’t his fault that he looks the way he does…I wondered how he would feel when he was older and wanted someone to love. You got to admit that this would be a HUGE handicap on the poor guy when he wants to start dating and meet that someone special. It’s hard as it is for the people who don’t have any facial disfigurements…


I realised that my parents have more of a social life than I do. They went on a double date last night. Enough said.


I picked up the brochure of the tour I will be going on next year…just keeping the idea alive…I like brochures with their glossy pages shining at me…hehehe.


One way to tell if dark chocolate is quality chocolate, is when you have a piece, it will be leaving you wanting some more…but after the second piece you are satisfied and you stop eating the chocolate. Green&Blacks Organic Dark Chocolate with soft Mint centres (70% cocoa). I bought a block from GNC, and it cured my sugar and chocolate craving and picked me up at 3:30pm.


Its funny how someone you never thought of, one day, says something to you that changes your life. A workmate of mine was talking to me on the company bus and he asked about my ex. I said that we weren’t together any more and he asked me why. I told him I’m not so sure, since the ex broke up with me. Then he just matter-of-factly said that “He doesn’t deserve you.” I know my friends have been saying the same thing. That's exactly something you would expect your friends to say…but when it comes from an acquaintance at work…who you didn’t think knew you so well…who says that and then justifies it…the new found knowledge resounds in the ear.

It made me feel realised.


I can’t believe he is married. I can’t wait until all is revealed…it will be a long wait until the book is released…darn those spoilers!!!


Additions:

I'm lucky that my mother likes keeping things in immaculate condition. I have been looking for nice leather belts to wear cinched at my waist with tops or dresses...and they are so expensive the nice ones, or they are really ugly the cheap ones...it got me thinking about how my mother use to wear belts in the 80's...and guess what? I found my source of pre-loved, mint conditioned leather or faux leather belts from my mother.

Weird thing (although it works out for the best) is that my mother use to wear these belts on her hips...they "just" fit on my waist (which is the look i was trying to achieve anyway). Can you believe it? My mother's hips were the size of my waist!!! Now, thats a quick realisation to make any girl go and purge...except i not capable of purging...i'd rather go eat myself fatter!


Do you ever look in the mirror and see yourself from a different perspective? I sometimes look in the mirror and see a simple girl with a bit of charm. There are days when i look in the mirror and understand how people figure that i'm "P's sister"...because i look like him. Those are the days that i look very masculine...and i wonder why is that so??? It seems as though the only thing that distinguishes me as female is the length of my hair. Yet, on those other days i look like a girl with or without the hair. Is it my eyes playing tricks on me?


I hate people taking photos of me. But i like keeping photographs for memory.


Spanish Film Festival has begun. I'm catching a movie tonight called Heartlift. I hope its interesting and inspirational. Or at least funny.


Sex & the City-a-thon this weekend.

Autumn in Paris...

I just realised that the weather were having right now (temperature wise)…I would be enjoying in Paris next year!!! How exciting is that???

I started saving yesterday…the first time in a long while…and I’m so happy that my plan is starting to move forward. I felt a bit blue in April, because it didn’t seem as though I was achieving anything for my trip to Europe next year. (It was really just one thing among other things which was causing me to feel blue).

But since I made the first transfer yesterday I feel like the weight on my shoulders is just “that” little bit lighter!

And then it just dawned on me this morning…glorious sunshine…bright blue sky…some gusty wind…all I was missing was some seasonal coloured leaves on the ground – that I assume, Paris will not be lacking when I am there in September/October next year. (I’m repeating myself…but I don’t care!)

What a notion? I’m so excited that I’m beside myself. *LoL*

I keep hearing the song “Spring time in Paris”…but I replace it with “Autumn in Paris”…

It was easy to decide on the tour, there was only one which ended in Paris and would stop in Spain for a few days. And that is the one I’m going on!

Suffering for a year by being frugal seems worth it right now…

Speaking of suffering...for a week, I have been thinking about how some people are really fortunate and then there were the rest of us.

Some people are just so lucky…they get everything they want…sometimes without even trying…but I know most often then not they worked their way to achieve it…or so I hope, otherwise that would be depressing…a group of people who didn’t have to try at anything and got exactly what they wanted and life just keep getting better for them.

I was feeling as though I was in the group of “the others”. Of late, life hasn’t been great…and I’m not just referring to my failed relationship with my ex. I’m referring to greater things that are better left unsaid. My gripe is that I believe that I’m a good person. I try to do the right thing all the time and always with good intentions. When I do the wrong thing, I feel guilty and apologise and try to learn from my mistake to never do it again.

So, why is that I feel as though I’m being punished for something major that I didn’t commit. Let’s not get into religion. I don’t want to hear about Adam and Eve…I’ve been reading this novel that seems to harp on religion so much because there is this oppressive monk that keeps on talking about the sins we commit…I think he is nuts…and I suspect he is the one going around killing the people in the streets…he is trying to purge Florence from the sinners and bring the city back to purity.

Back to the subject at hand. I believe that I’m a target of some sort, among the group of “others” who just aren’t fortunate to be happy once in a while. It really felt like the moment I was happy, I had to be stripped of this privilege. And I know that I can’t be the only one who has felt this way.

There must be people out there who feel as though they deserve something and yet no matter how hard they work, had yet to achieve or receive it…that they deserve the pay rise for staying back when needed. That they worked their butts off and should be able to own a house by now. Or that they haven’t done anything wrong to their wife/husband but are supportive and provided what they needed, and yet they got serviced with divorce papers...

There must be people out there who feel cheated with life.

Its utterly depressing…and I was probably utterly depressing for the last week thinking about how I was being ripped off by someone or something…that a cruel joke was being played out with my life. And when I look at my friends who have one thing but not the other…who are striving for their piece of happiness, and yet they are left out to hang dry on the clothes line…it gives me comfort to know that I’m not the only one who has been duped…but it saddens me that they haven’t reached their ray of sunshine – and why is that???

And why are there so many people suffering out there??? There are heaps of good people suffering quietly behind the doors…it just doesn’t seem fair that the good people who are suffering, keep on suffering…and those fortunate…just keep staying fortunate. When do things balance out so that the people who are suffering get their chance at feeling as though they are fortunate for once and the fortunate get served their share of the suffering so that they appreciate how their wonderful life was or is still???

I’m giving up pondering on this subject. Its so blue that its almost black.

Instead, I’m going to focus on my trip next year…Autumn in Paris…my journey…

And like I said, although I have to be a miser for a year…I know it will be worth it…well I don’t know, but I’m hoping…and for now, I don’t want to look into the darkness in search of the light at the end…I want to look into the brightness and be illuminated by the warmth so that I won’t be feeling cold.

I’m taking the optimistic approach now.

Rose-tinted sunnies sitting on the bridge of my nose, looking forward.

Autumn in Paris…browsing in the markets at Saint Ouen…lunch in a local bistro…sitting in a park and filling my sketch journal with some drawings…

Battered

Since I’m trying to save money for my trip I decided to keep myself busy with the things that I already have. For instance, I have a lot of paints, an easel and calico that are primed to be painted...I should take up painting again. I have two sketch books, an A4 book and another - a sketch journal, heaps of lead pencils...I should start drawing again.

I have paid for my yearly gym membership back in March...so the plan is, I will go to the gym for 5 days (or more) a week...which in all is beneficial. I have put on a few kilos and things have started to well, not fit as nicely as they use to.

I have let myself grieve (translation: wallow in a slothlike manner) for a month now. It's time to get my life back together. So, I engaged a guy at the gym to help me work on my abs. If you ever need to workout your abs, call Mark. (Asian man in his late 40’s possibly even 50, part Nazi, but you are guaranteed to get results!) Abs are always on Mondays @ 6:30pm. So, I started my training with Mark yesterday and I plan to flatten things out (i.e. my belly) in a month!

My workout plan is as follows:

Monday – Cardio (>75 minutes), Abs with Mark (30-60 minutes)
Tuesday – Cardio (>100 minutes), Body Balance
Wednesday – Cardio (>75 minutes), Arms/Shoulder/Back (60 minutes)
Thursday – Cardio (>100 minutes), Body Balance
Friday – Cardio (>75 minutes), Hip/Butt/Thighs (60 minutes)
Saturday – Possible Cardio or Body Balance, Hip/Butt/Thighs (60 minutes) if missed on Friday.
Sunday – Possible Cardio or Circuit Training, Hip/Butt/Thighs (60 minutes) if missed on Friday.


Last Thursday, I did my own training session on my abs, and for the rest of the weekend if I sneezed or coughed or laughed, it would hurt. But it was the good hurt. It’s the kind of hurt that lets you know that you have done a good workout.

On Sunday I went back to the gym and decided to work my arms, back, shoulders, chest, hip, butt and thighs...(as well as cardio for about 90 minutes). Basically, I felt fine after the training session, but due to the circuit room being used for the Circuit Class, I couldn’t use the stretch mats at the gym and when I got home I did a quick stretch, but it obviously wasn’t enough. I woke up Monday morning with an awfully sore back and I couldn’t lift my arms. Although I worked my abs last night, the pain will be delayed until tomorrow. Today, I can feel my thighs squeal with agony each time I walk.

This may sound like torture, and I do feel completely battered, but it’s all well and good. It puts me to sleep so easily now (not that i really had a problem sleeping before), because my body is exhausted. After each session, I waddle around the house because my feet are sore from the workout. Hahaha...I’m like a duck!

The thing is...you are bound to be in pain if you worked out properly...and then your body is going to get used to it...and then you either increase the weights or do more repetitions, run a bit further or longer...challenging your body to do more than you ever expected it to.

I’ve decided that I won’t do the diet thing. It’s so boring. I like food and I will always like food. I just need to eat less junk for comfort. I should also try to remember quality versus quantity.

I borrowed the boxset of Sex & the City from my brother's gf. She's watched it twice already...so i thought i would spend my weekends watching all of it, but i have only managed to finish Season 1. With 5 more Seasons to go! *LoL*

I'm such a couch potato...thankfully i'm now going to the gym to balance things out. Weekends are now for recuperation and will remain for lounging around. I should pick up a pencil or a paint brush...or maybe one of the books i've bought to read...but the DVD collection we have is too tempting to mention. And then there are the One Piece episodes my brother has on the computer...

E and i are planning on doing a Sex & the City-a-thon or an Ellen-a-thon or even a Will & Grace-a-thon. I have a popcorn machine, which airpops the kernels...the deal is i bring it over! *LoL* Simple. He is trying to save for his trip too.

So, i will keep on battering my body to exhaustion by going to the gym and we'll see what happens in a months time!

I can smell it.

Success is just around the corner...

Or maybe thats just cake?

Pleasantly Forgettable...

Look at her. She has a round face, average brown eyes, medium full lips and long black hair.

On the street, if your eyes meet, you would think that she was pleasant enough, but the moment you walked on by, you wouldn’t remember anything about her, she would be forgotten.

She isn’t particularly pretty. There aren’t any features about her that stand out. Nor does she have any distinct disfigurement to speak of. Although, it would be unfair to refer to her as ugly, because…well, she is not.

Her charm, if you can call it such, is in her polite manners. That’s why the Old Man is in love with her. You could put it on her mother for teaching her so well. “Always respect your elders, say hello to them when you see them.”

That’s exactly what the girl did when she saw the Old Man on the street. She would give him a curt smile and say hello. Then she would progress to do whatever she had planned to.

I guess it’s a rare thing to witness young ones these days, paying respect to elders. He couldn’t remember the last time his grandchildren were so polite with his friends or anyone older than them. He felt fortunate that the girl validated his existence everyday.

People may find it odd that an old man the age of her grandfather, was so taken by her, enchanted. She is nowhere near beautiful. She isn’t even cute. The only feature that one might notice is her hair. Long and black and at times would reflect light like a river.

I wonder if he has ever looked into her eyes. I wonder if he has seen her sorrow that is kept under lock and key within her heart. Perhaps then she would leave an impression on the Old Man far greater than the self satisfaction that she provides with the simple hello.

Lately, she has been hiding. Harbouring a lot of pain and fearing the day she has to face the world. The Old Man misses his hellos. He bumps into her mother on the street and tells her that she is fortunate to have such a good daughter; that her daughter is so well mannered and polite. He dares not ask what has happened to her daughter. Discretion is a virtue. But nevertheless he is wondering what has come of the girl, as he speaks to her mother.

I guess, no one will ever know what has happened to the pleasantly forgettable girl. But, will anyone remember to ask her mother of her?

Fairytale belief...

Once upon a time on a bright sunny day there lived a little girl who had all these hopes and dreams to fulfil...

When i was younger, it might not have sounded like i was optimistic, but in my heart i believed that love conquered all.

I believed that if someone loved you, nothing could stop the two of you. (And you would live happily ever after...)

The concept that people can fall out of love seemed like a hoax to me.

A bit "Wayne's World" -

"no way!"

"wayyy..."

"nooo, way!"

"yes, wayyy..."

"No! Way!"

It sounds ridiculous but that truly goes around in my head sometimes. This coming from a tertiary educated girl...maybe thats why i didnt graduate with honors?
=P

Its not like i envisioned it to be a bubble like state...where you would fall in love and then nothing could hurt you or burst your 'bubble'.

I was still very much realistic. I knew that there was a reason why in the vows it said "for better or worse"...there are always ups and downs, but i truly thought that if you loved a person, you would always work things out and you would never give up on trying to work it out - thats the commitment that you promised to when you signed the dotted line! (Its written in the fine print of your marriage certificate, under Section 1C, clause (ii), line 3. Just under the part that says you will love the person FOREVER!)

*LoL*

Anyway, life is about learning. And just like Goldilocks, i've learnt my share of lessons. Problem is, i cant get my heart to agree with my head. My head is being practical and logical and is trying to move on. My heart is telling my head to go get stuffed, cos its waiting for the fairytale to come true!

Films and more films...

I rented out Gosford Park on Monday night, because my friend and i missed it on Sunday night...too busy watching Big Brother...so we missed the first section of the movie and thought that we would rent it out and watch it Monday night.

Since it was a weekly dvd, i rented 5 other dvd's.

And, i watched five out of the six dvd's i rented.

So, we watched "Gosford Park" on Monday night...it was very slow for like the first 90-something minutes, but the twist at the end was good. Not necessarily worth waiting for, but at least i wasn't left thinking "Omg, what was that?"

We started watching "Girl with a pearl earring" and that was another slow movie...i fell asleep, it had interesting moments...but i was expecting some sort of climax in the film as it was developing, but it failed to do so. Since, i slept through the later half of the film, i watched it again on Tuesday morning. And there were really interesting moments...hissy fits...but it just didnt deliver what i was anticipating. And the ending...one word...disappointing!

I then popped in "The Cats Meow" dvd. I had read a novel about William R. Hearst and his mistress Marion...they are real people...and there were real deaths involving those two people...maybe not directly, but there is still much speculation, which is why there are books and movies about the two. The movie was another let down...highlight was Kirsten Dunst playing the role of Marion, and there were a few semi-famous people in the cast.

After The Cats Meow, i started watching a film about an American artist...a depiction of how he became famous and the pitfalls of rising and rising fast. The title of that flick is "Basquiat", about the life of the street artist Jean-Michel Basquiat. This flick had a list of famous actors just as long as "Crash"...were talking Benicio del Toro, Dennis Hopper, Willem Dafoe, Davie Bowie, Parker Posey, Claire Forlani, Gary Oldman, Tatem O'Neal, and even Courtney Love.

I wasn't expecting much from this movie, and it was surprisingly interesting. To watch people change under the influence of money...to watch how some people's perspective of others don't change at all, even though they have gained star status within the art world. To see how racism doesnt change, even though you are famous. To see who remains your true friend, and to watch the people who keep pointing out that you shouldnt trust someone...that someone being your true friend.

Insightful, very good for a lazy afternoon.

Next flick to watch is "Hotel Rawanda". This movie is really good...but it stressed me out...and i hate movies depicting others killing one another, especially when its killing in terms of genocide. It was a great movie that provided closure at the end...which i wasnt expecting and was grateful for. There was hope in the film. It moved me. I almost cried so many times...but thought i was stupid for doing so, and i held back the tears.

Don Cheadle did a wonderful performance, and its no surprise this movie was nominated for the Oscars in 2004/2005. I would recommend this movie to those who have not watched it, unless you dont like movies that depict death in a very real sense...and you have a very sensitive stomach...but sometimes, you just need to watch these movies to desensitise yourself a bit.

There is one point where he crumbles and cries, and you have to wonder when would you have crumbled if you were in the same position? I think i would have been in tears way long before we saw him crack!

The final dvd that i have watched previously and really enjoyed, I am leaving for another day. Its "Finding Neverland" with Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet. I'm saving it for Friday night or sometime during the weekend...where i can sit at home and ball my eyes out!

I cried when i watched it in the cinemas, and with the state of my affairs, i think its high time i induced some crying action. I'm feeling a bit too controlled right now. I need to cry all my tears out, to the utmost exhaustion...and then maybe i will be able to see straight again.

I miss him, and some things have happened over the past weekend to really cause my heart to ache.

*sigh*

What to do???

I was just offered to work on 2 other projects while doing this big programme. I accepted at about 9:30am today.

So, i'm being petitioned to be moved back to the CBD...they desperately need me there...and if they successfully move me back within a week, i will know for a fact that the upper management knows about me, that they too really want me there and understand how important i am to the company.

I told a colleague in another team about the move and i told him i that i don't quite want to move from Glebe. I like the office in Glebe. I like the fact that it is not as busy as HQ in the CBD. I like where i am now. And i would miss having him and his team around.

BUT i move where i am needed, its part of my job, i move where my team is and i get moved frequently as its the nature of my role.

The colleague is a manager and he has a position to fill. A communications analyst role, i think. And he is offering ALOT of money. Although it is a contracting role for 4 months or so, until the team figures out what to do with that position. The thing is, what i would make in that 4 months is twice the amount i would normally make from what i am doing now. Maybe even more. Since the rate he was quoting was the permanent position rate, while i would be paid the contractor rate, which could be twice the amount he told me...

So, i could in fact make 4 times as much as i would normally make. Which really means i could make the equivalent to my annual salary in 4 months.

I am utterly tempted, since i plan on going to Europe next year. That amount of money would be really really really handy. It could mean that i would get to Europe earlier or i could go for longer.

I am wondering how i could get this opportunity to work with my current role.

I am a contractor, i should be able to do whatever i want, take whatever roles that come my way when people want me. But it could be career suicide if i ever try to get back into Project Management. I don't want to appear as though i don't have conviction, that money wields my way.

My company goes by a first come first serve policy. If you want me to work on your project, you need to get in first, or pray that the project i am on will be short lived.

I will be completing a PM course shortly (company paid) and at the end of the course i will pretty much be handed my next certification as a RPM, thats with a few more months of experience in the industry too. But that RPM title will then give me heaps of leverage.

So, what is a girl to do?

I have never thought anyone would offer me a six figure salary, off the bat like that. Well, not until i become a RPM, at least.

So, as a quick reaction, what i did was diplomatic and politically correct.

I asked the colleague if he was serious about the position being available, that he really needed the help? He said yes. So, i told him to contact my company and we could help him find a suitable person to fill in the contract, we will look after him and find him a great person!

=)

And it was so sweet his response: "But i want you to work with us...we don't want anyone else! That's why i offered it to you!!!"

Me: "But i don't even know how to troubleshoot the problems you guys get!"

Colleague: "Don't worry, you log the problem and pass it to one of the guys! They'll fix it for you!"

...

Talk about excellent opportunity...I would get paid six figures to pass work off to other people, and i'm already friends with all the managers.
*hehehe*

...

What to do???

"grievance period"

I happened to mention to a doctor friend that i was recently broken up with my boyfriend.

Being much more older than i was, out of concern she asked me "You aren't going to jump into another relationship so soon, are you?"

I was like "NO! I want to enjoy the fact that im single...im going to travel and do all the stuff i want to do."

She then said to me "You do know that when you get out of long relationships, it may take about a year to fully get over it."

I told her "Yeah, i figured that much..."

Slight pause, examines my facial expressions, and with a sincere smile:

"Well then," she said to me, "you can go and do all the things that you once thought you couldnt because of your commitment to your boyfriend!"

Exactly.

The point of this post...a while i ago...actually a very long while ago, (i cant even exactly remember whether a wrote about it in a single post, or if i alluded towards the idea in another post, or even when i wrote about it, but its somewhere in my archive...) i wrote about the "Grievance Period".

I call it the Grievance Period, only because that was the best way i could describe it at the time...and funny enough, i sort of neglected to acknowledge what i believed in and was only hit by it when M mentioned to me about my own philosophies...and now that the doctor friend had concurred what i have always believed, that it takes a long time to heal and get over the relationship, i feel better.

Its nice to have someone who is a doctor and tell you that what you believed, that your philosophy is accurate, its pretty neat! Especially, when they corroborate without your intervention. I didnt tell her that i thought it would take about a year for me to fully get over this breakup...she was the one who told me that it was most likely to be that way...confirming what i thought.

Since, it took me a good 7 months to get over a 11 month relationship. I spent the time looking inward, at myself. I wanted to fix myself. Make me whole, ensure my independance was still there. Feel complete & at one with myself. To be sure that i loved & respected me.

In this recent break up, it was a long relationship...not as long as you may assume, but it was passionate and very serious, to say the least. It will definitely take a year of looking in this time around, mending whats broken, building up on one's self.

I know as a person that i am complete. But i do feel a hollowness in the chest right now. And im not saying that im perfect, there is still a lot to do towards being a more full and robust me. There is still a lot of things to learn, that will take me until the day i die.

I just want to let you know or let myself know, really...that i have a direction to head and i am moving forward. I'm not taking steps back. The past is in the past, and i am leaving it there. I am going to challenge myself mentally, physically and emotionally. At the end of it, i am hoping that the hollowness will be gone. The time frame is 1 year.

Easter Weekend Recap

Thursday: Work was okay, the March bill was finalised and out of my hair! *hiphiphooray!* Went to Myers to meet up with Kat, I bought some chocolate easter eggs while i waited...Cherry Brandy Truffles...Met with Kat, walked around, met AY and she gave me my bday present...hug kiss good bye...sat down cos my feet were killing me (damn stilettos)...opened my present to check it out, and it was a beautiful jewellery box! Thanx AY!!! ^_^ Met with M and exchanged her bday present then parted ways to go to Equilibrium. Walked to Equilibrium and bumped into some friends outside...one just came back from SA (studying there for 2nd degree) for catch up with everyone, quick chat...then i went to the bar.

Got into bar and went looking for everyone. Joel was upstairs and it was empty. *LoL* So, i contacted my other friends and met with them downstairs. I got myself a glass of white and started drinking...forgot that i hadnt eaten anything since lunch at noon...decide to grab a mushroom risotto, which also came with a glass of wine...so i had about 1.5 glasses before eating...then i finished my 2nd glass...went upstairs and had my 3rd glass and by this point, i could feel that i was tipsy.

By the time L and E joined V and i, i think i was very red and light headed! ahahahaha...i drank 2 glasses of water...chatted to my friend's workmate...saw the birthday boy looking like he was a goner...went to the ladies...went back to my seat only to get dragged to the dance floor by E to dance with him, only he was screaming in my ear saying that he doesnt remember how to dance?! *RoFL* We were the only other couple beside another couple who were dirty dancing with eachother. It was time to move on.

We had to leave shortly, and i think i was ready to go home...but before we did, we headed to the vodka bar to have a vodka shot in the ice glass. I had difficulty walking over to the bar and when we "cheered" with the ice glasses...those slippery little suckers slipped from my fingers and i split some, luckily on the ice slab and not on my LBD. Down the hatch it went and OMFG...it was horrible...and that just tipped the iceburg. I had to hold E's arm to walk from the bar to the carpark...

But here's the funny thing, when i called my lil brother to say that he didnt need to pick me up from the trainstation, that E was going to drop me off, my brother asked if E was okay? Like was E okay to drive, etc, thinking that E was more out of it than i was! *LoL* Let me state a fact, E is a responsible driver, he doesnt ever drink if he is driving...not one drop of alcohol...he doesnt do the "1 cup should be okay"...

I got home and my brother knocked on my bedroom door to ask if i was alright...and i was, but i felt dizzy...then he asked if E was alright...still thinking that E was pissed drunk...hehehe...I showered and brushed my teeth and hopped into bed, only to get woken up by my mother at 8am on Good Friday.

Good Friday: She came knocking on my door and my head was swaying when i propped myself up to see who had rudely woken me at what felt like an extrememly early hour...although i knew it was my mother...only my mother would knock on my door...she asked if i wanted to go and have breakfast with my older brother and nieces? I thought "i aint gonna be sleeping after waking up...might as well put some food in me, make me feel better?!" I got up, asked if my lil brother was going, if so, he could drive cos i wasnt going to make it! Washed my face, brushed my teeth, got my hair pulled back in a messy do, got dressed and popped on the big sunnies.

I couldnt believe that i was hungover...the swaying wouldnt stop...i blame the vodka...my niece even noted that i was looking/walking funny...she said "Aunty, you were drinking a lot last night!?" She said it as a question but i think she meant it as a statement..."Yes sweetie, i was drinking last night." Oh gosh, someone shoot me! I am a bad example for those girls!

We finished breakfast and i felt extremely better after getting food into my system. We then headed to the city and my mother wanted me to drive, since she doesnt quite trust my P-plater brother...so i drove, and i was fine...and gosh, how i love double demerits on a long weekend and how i love it when everyone else is at home or at the church and the road is pretty much to myself...i was driving just below 60km/h speed limit...and yet i was driving to the city fine and dandy...and i got there in 30 minutes! Parking was hassle free!!!

We went to have lunch and did some shopping around Market City...since Chinatown was the only place opened...after lunch we went to Galaxy World...my nieces love playing the games and then it became a mission to win as many tickets so that Chloe could have this bubble blowing pen thingo and we got Aimee a paint set. You gotta love the hippos which you bash on their heads when the poke out from their hiding place. Between my niece, her father and i, we finally got the top score! *LoL* It took the three of us...ahhahahaa...after fun and games and prizes won we headed home.

I had a quiet night, that Friday...i needed to sleep anyways.

Saturday: Slept in until 9am (i usually get up around 5:50am on a work day and 7am on a weekend)...i got ready and was seriously trying to hold back from eating a pancake my mum had made...W and i were going to Bondi to have brunch. We use to do this like once every few months and he recently told me that our fav spot closed down and was now called something else but still had a similar menu...so i thought i should go try it.

I ordered poached eggs with hash, sausages, and mushrooms. It wasnt until the guy left with my order that i realised that i had ordered heaps...but never fear, thats why you bring a guy friend. He had half of my mushrooms and hash. Afterwards we drove to Paddington and scored a brilliant parking space right next to the cinema. We thought we would get the tix to "How much do you love me?" before we walked to the markets...W thought it would be packed out (I didnt think so)...we had the tix and then we sauntered to his fav bike shop...stopped at this store that sold pre-loved Princeton jumpers, polo tees, name badges (i bought one for my brother, i found a "Larry" - his nick, that looked cool), belts, etc...walked along oxford street and realised that we wouldnt make it to the markets from where we were and get to the movie on time...so we visited the Puma store and after that went back to the cinema.

My verdict? It was good. It was entertaining. I absolutely enjoyed the way it was cleverly done...BUT...the ending went over my head. I actually didnt focus on the subtitles much, and tried to listen to the French being spoken and I got the punchlines...and at some points i could have been on the floor, rolling around with tears in my eyes...

And then there was that weird ending...i dont quite understand why she went from vixen to drab, or those intrusive snapshots between the party to someone being held at gunpoint, then back to the party and then the insinuation of an affair, snap back to the party...it was all too much! That party was giving me a headache. The ending was a shocker.

The cure? We walked to the markets, it was a lovely autumn day...i gotta tell you, rose tinted glasses makes the world look beautiful, it felt like Monsieur Monet was one step in front of me, adding the honey haze over everything and everywhere i looked! I bought a strawberry shortcake ice cream sandwich and W & i browsed for tee's that he could buy.

I like plaiting the full length of my hair to the side now. I think it gives me a boheme-kitsch type of look, especially with my large rose tinted frames. I was considering chopping it all off, but my hair has NEVER been this length before...its barely skimming my waist. So, i figure i'll let it reach the waist and then i'll go for a good trim, even out the layers or just go for a blunt cut, but keep the length...cos although i like short hair, long hair looks better on me.

After W dropped me off, i was home alone. I started to feel lonely and insecure...a shame cos my day was really enjoyable. Everyone was out of the house and i was just in the lounge room on my own...i tried listening to music, but it depressed me. I tried to read, but couldnt concentrate and it depressed me. There was nothing to watch - bloody depressing!!! I gave up and went to bed.

Sunday: Bummed in my brother's room and watched Veronica Mars, the latest episodes from the US, and Prison Break all day. I've never watched Prison Break, but people keep telling me that it is very good show...so i thought i would give it a go...and have to say, im engaged because it is very intelligent, but its stressing me! Soooo much is going on and i just want him to get his brother and get out!!! Thankfully, Wentworth Miller has a very smooth voice and I just love the way he articulates...i can close my eyes and listen to him until i fall asleep...hehehe...

Monday: My funday...we filmed what was suppose to be a season finale to HI...i dont get it...there isnt any script...i just knew that if i went along, i would be laughing non stop and i need that right now...and i also wanted Harry's.

E picked me up...we got to USYD...we got dressed...i had a cocopops bomb strapped to me...i had to put a nun's habit on again...it was really crazy...all in the name of fun! So we shoot a couple of times...a dog and a couple come and watch us...the dog tries to get intimate with L and her sausage tray strapped to her thigh (meant to be another bomb)...CnC comes running from behind a tree ready to stab me with a BBQ fork...all in a day's work for the HI crew. *LoL*

We then decided it was a wrap...packed up...went back to the car...made way to Harry's, obviously there had to be a car incident or two...got out and rushed for lunch. After lunch we drove L and CnC back to their cars and E & i then headed to Parramtta Westfields and i went to buy more choc easter eggs...this time i remembered to bring my voucher...but it caused an incident! Like if you are a manager at Myers, shouldnt you know how to use the register? And wouldnt you know how to scan a voucher and then make whatever deductions you would have to do? How hard is it? Gosh, how did you get promoted to being a manager?!?!?! She took 15 minutes of E and my life...15 minutes that we would never get back!!!
=P

Going home from Parramatta, i made a conscious decision...i was going to find a way for me to get to Europe...for at least a holiday! I have always wanted to go and the plan was that when i graduated, i would work for a year and then pack my bags and travel for a bit...then come back and work again...but work got in the way...then other things happened...but since i dont plan from leaving the job that i am in now, i can plan my holiday without having to worry about it affecting my other responsibilities...i worked it out that i can save enough to go Europe by next year spring.

Today: So, i now have a goal...i have even decided on which tour i will join so that i would have company on my trip (90% sure)...i plan on extending the trip so that i can spend my own time exploring France, because a few hours in the Louvre just wont be enough for me. I spent all day yesterday looking at various tour companies and decided that i would go with someone tried and trusted...i wont be doing Contiki...i dont want to go out and drink...i dont want to actually socialise like that...i want to explore the country and absorb all the knowledge i can while im there...i plan on doing all things cultural and i'm going to abstain from shopping.

If you dont hear from me for the next 12 months or so, its because im hibernating at home and saving money!

Settling down...

I was talking to a friend...(i'm always talking to a friend...)

And i realised that i'm nearly at that stage of settling down.

That stage where i want to do inane things like sitting at home watching DVDs.

That stage where i do scheduled things like going to the AGNSW "After Dark" on Wednesday or Drinks with friends on Friday after work or watch a foreign film at 1pm on Saturday after having brunch or sketching some pictures in my sketch journal on a Sunday afternoon.

And the most enjoyable part...i'm at that stage of just being at home. I want to cook dinners, invite friends over to play board games and talk over tea or wine and then go to bed at a decent hour after enjoying my day. (Maybe even hold a tea party on a Sunday!)

I want to sit at home and enjoy the company of my partner and just talk about things...anything...and everything.

And i think i am almost ready to get married and have kids.

*Shoot me now, i can't believe i admitted that!*

Why I say "nearly or almost", its because there are some things i would like to do before having children...the things where you need the freedom to do so...while i can still be selfish! Because once i have children, i would need to be selfless, and my idea of being a good mother is one that gives all of herself to her family...(and then trying to fit some time for herself - some where, some how, some way!)

I never thought that i could become a mother...i couldn't see myself having children and i think it was because in my previous life, not so long ago, i was selfish - purely career oriented and i was vain. I wanted success and i wanted to live out a life of luxury and freedom. I didn't want to suffer stretch marks, i didn't want to lose my figure, i didn't want to have to go through 9 hours or more of pain, or have many sleepless nights on end. But more importantly, i truly believed that i was incapable of being a good role model for my children or be able to provide enough for them and be responsible for them in the way that a good mother should.

You see bad examples of parenting out there and it does scare the bejeezus out of me. You see those kids who parents don't care about them all that much and don't bother teaching them anything. And so what type of hoons will they grow up to be???

I didn't see myself go through this change, until i openly admitted these things to my friend. How different i am now, compared to how i was only a year ago? I now want to take my nieces out to the zoo and spend quality time with them, I'm getting so bloody clucky! I can't believe that i am actually ready - now that i'm single?!?!

What kind of warped joke is this?

I walk past this store that sells fabric for curtains and upholstery during my lunch breaks...its very cute and quaint and it looks like they only stock quality fabrics...the store is called Harris & Nugent...and each time i walk towards it, my attention is sucked towards its window display, and i have this HUGE urge to buy a pre-loved armchair so that i could go and re-upholster it like the one they have in the window...like how stupid is that?

Its beyond being homely...i think im going crazy!

Who would have thought that when i turned 25 I would wake up and realise that I want what most women want...a life filled with wonderous memories, shared with a loving husband and a couple of beautiful happy children...with a loving extended family and circle of friends.

Happy Easter!

The Operations Manager for one of the divisions is in a bunny suit with a red vest and red bow tie with sequins on it, and a basket filled with easter eggs!

*LoL*

There was a lady walking around with him who had a camera...im assuming there will be a pic of me smiling like an idiot on the intranet shortly.

Why oh why do my photos end up on the intranet...just like our Christmas party last year...there would be so many photos of other people and yet out of the hundreds that were taken, mine had to be one of the 20 that got loaded on the intranet!

>_<"

I feel like i keep getting caught with my skirt down around my ankles. (Not a good sight!)


***

On another note...my older brother came home for dinner with the girls and as he sat down he asked me:

"Since you're not seeing that guy...can i set you up?"

Me blinking...thinking wtf?

"No! And anyways, i'm picky these days, no smoking, no drinking, no gambling, he has to be tall..." (Threat to stop him from continuing this converstation)

He responds with:

"Its not like you're getting any younger...you should be married now, having kids!"

And then my mother butts in with:

"You shouldn't be picky, not now!" (And gives me an "I'm ashamed of you for being picky look!"

***

i'm getting worried that I am now the only person working in the company that fully understands how to do the project billing, and knows it in full circle.

Let me note, i shouldn't be the one chasing everyone, per se, to get every little bit of detail to do the project billing. I should be given everything i need and just enter final amounts and codes into a template. I shouldn't be asked to do any accounting, and i don't think i should be authorising anything.

The billing manager seems lost at most times and our training session was really about 10 minutes of her showing me a template. Great! Meanwhile, i had to fumble my way, scraped and scrunged around to collect every little detail and when i was done, she sent it back to me and i had to balance the bill. Although, as the finance person you would think that the billing manager would notice where the discrepancies were...but no, I pointed them out and showed the manager how to balance the bill! (At one section, she didn't do a sum and had typed in an arbitrary amount...throwing the bill way out! And she asked me how that happened? I suggested maybe she did a typo! I don't know...how am i to know how that happened?)

I had to speak to another guy and he is the person who should generates codes for rates, etc. and should know what the cost rates are versus the charge rates. And yet i was the one to tell him what the cost rates were...like that isn't the way its suppose to work!

The weirdest thing of all, this whole new billing process on our end has been created to comply with the SLA's that the client has asked us to follow to coincide with their billing process. But the client has no clue how it works...but its their billing process!?!?

The scariest thing of all...is since this is all new and i've learnt it...i'm the only one who knows about it from all angles - i have had to attack various people from different teams to get what i needed to process the bills.

But i'm a contractor and can move on to another project at any stage, and may not necessarily work with this client again.

I guess these things happen readily...my workmate suggested that I don't tell anyone that i know how the process goes...cos then i would be the "Go to" person, even when i'm off on another project.

I laughed and said, "i'll just charge extra!" (Well, i won't personally, but my company would sure try to!)

*evil laugh*

Try: "I'm hurting, but i'm okay."

I'm going to try and stay busy. It helps that everyone is celebrating their birthday too!

My birthday dinner went well...and i know now that i dont like tequila! Thanks to the select few that were invited and joined me, and thank you for the presents...(well, all the sensible ones!)...and you really didn't have to, i mean it, seriously...you didn't have to!!! I haven't even made a dent in the chocolate crackle CocoPops bomb!

=P

I think i've decided to party hard this Thursday night...well not party party, but have drinks and just let go. Enjoy the company and soak in the atmosphere.

I just need to remind myself that i need food and lots of water to balance things out...I dont want a hangover on Friday. I plan on reading Books 1-4 just for the heck of it, and it won't happen if i'm hung over!

I'm going to catch a french film on Saturday. It was a film wanted to watch during the festival, but didn't, cos he didn't want to go and watch it. So, my friend and i are going for brunch and then catch the flick in Paddington and then maybe we'll just loiter around a gallery or museum. Gosh, i miss being an arty fart!!!

Sunday will be family day...i promised my niece that i would paint her nails. hehehe...i did it once and she is waiting for me to do it again. We'll probably go and visit my Great Aunt too...which means we will be going to the markets...which also means i will be spending money on things that i don't really need!

Monday...L & E and I have decided...well, really it was L & I who decided that we would do some filming...but we might have to drag CnC as she isn't all too keen...the plan is to film and then we we'll go and have some Harry's...its been so long since the last time we had Harry's!

I need to do this. I need to try and keep myself from thinking about what has happened and all the "what if's". It's not healthy. Better to surround myself with the people who care about me and love me the way i am...who would never give up on me and will always stand by me.

I need to look at it as: "Change is good, but growing is better!"

I asked my ex (from before, now we're friends) how long it took him to stop loving me? He thinks it was a good couple of months. He realised that it wasn't doing him any good pining for me. I wonder if it will take me longer to get over "him"?

I told a girlfriend today, who recently found out that i was single now, that just because I'm good at being a b!tch and at pretending that i'm confident and happy, doesn't mean that i'm not broken down inside!

*finally the truth has been uttered*

*queue the next truth of the year*

I'm hurting, but i'm okay.

Seems to fit me well, those words.

wanted!

Its always nice to know that people are looking for work for you...

Its also always nice to know that your PM has introduced you to other PM's by name only - no one really knows my face...and other PM's offer you work, purely by reputation.

I think its great.

I hope my company appreciates that I am appreciated by our client and im basically generating money for them.

And with all these prospects ahead of me...it looks like the road to project management is ever closer.

I think this is a moment for me to ponder and appreciate that at least my career is fast tracking in the right direction.

***

For my birthday i was suprised by a box on my desk. It was a box of tulips...my favourite flower. It was from him...i was dumbfounded and my colleague asked me if anything was wrong? I wasnt expecting anything. It was a BIG surprise. It was bitter sweet.

***

I met up with a friend for lunch. He gave me a present too for my birthday. It was very thoughtful. It comprised of a sketch journal and a tin of soft lead pencils and also a miniature sketch model. He was trying to inspire me to go back to my creativity. I was absolutely in awe and oh so happy.

***

I am blessed. I guess this is a retrospective. I may not be loved by that one, but I am loved by some and they love me unconditionally. What more can a girl ask?

***

Dinner tomorrow night to celebrate. I have ordered an ice cream cake for myself for dessert. One of the PM's i worked with previously told me that the restaurant that we will be going to is really good. I hope so. I hope they are nice...I wonder if I get to speak some of my French with the waiters? hehehe...

***

Currently surrounded by drinking workmates in the office...they are getting quite rowdy. I'm going to go and mingle now...while i wait for the company mini bus that will take me back to the train station.

Have a good weekend if you are reading this!

Hip. Hip. Hooray.

At least one person seemed to care to say "Happy Birthday!"

Which was followed by 13 or so punches...and then he realised he was going to be late for the gym and so he told me he would owe me the rest later.

Thanks.

I'm 25 and im still alive.

Guess that is something to be grateful for.

When i was in my teens, I was thinking, if I had a choice, I would choose to die at 30. At the pinnacle of my life. And at least there would be people to cry at my funeral...and in terms of vanity, I would look good dead. So, that would be on the plus side, right?

I think I was envisioning that I would die alone...and if that was the case, then why suffer 50 odd years or more being just that - alone? Might as well be alone for a short time, it wouldn't get old and I would still have friends and family around to grieve over me.

But 30 is only 5 years away now. Very short. I still want to travel the world, but I can't right now. I guess I should put together a plan and action it before I turn 30...that would give me 5 years to achieve it...and thats doable, right?

Happy Birthday to me.

Hip.

Hip.

Hooray.

Unfold or Explode?

I apologise for being placid...looking and acting pretty much like a zombie...

I also apologise now to the poor person (or persons) that will suffer my wrath when all my emotions start pouring out due to something that you have said to me, that may have been significant, maybe not...might have been intentional...might be meaningless...but it triggered something in me and allowed me to let all my angst and heartache come out.

Truth of the matter is, after i lash out, i will appreciate what you have done for me, even if it was in an indirect way. Because right now, i feel like a bomb, encapsulated, slowly ticking away and i wont even know when i will go off, until i hear it - *KaBoom!*

But i thank you for helping me lift the weight and be completely emancipated.

I'm not sure what it is that is making me hold in all that i feel. Or maybe im just hollow on the inside and numb on the outside and therefore, im not quite a human being who is capable of expressing what she feels, when she isnt quite feeling?

I turn 25 tomorrow, it should be the beginning of something new...a new chapter in my life...I wanted it to be the beginning of a new chapter of my life together with him...but i guess that isn't happening now. The plan has changed on me so suddenly and caught me off-guard, unfortunately. And so, i don't have a contigency plan for this life project.

I hope its true, when people say that "time heals all wounds"...

I'll give myself time and see how things pan out.


Unfold
words & music by jason mraz

Hands in line
Arms close to my side
I'm fighting tides of an ocean's undertow
And I figure I might not make it
And I'm taking empty
But seldom keeping
And the words retreat breathing histories into stories untold
And I unfold.

My hands are high
And I'm holding out, holding up
Because I figure that I just might make it
And I'm waking empty but seldom sleeping
And the words repeat breathing histories into stories untold
And I unfold.

Quality is what you see now in the corner of your eye.
Don't be surprised if you hear the bells ring
They form from the sky and they sound bong, bong, bong
And I'm holding up because I figure that I just make it.

And I'm waking empty but seldom sleeping
And the words repeat breathing histories into stories untold
And I unfold.

April Fool...

Ironically enough, she heard Nelson Munst laughing out loud: "Har, har!"

She had never thought of getting married any time before.

Then she met him.

He had always wanted to get married.

He promised to love her forever.

She fell hard, had a change of heart and decided that he was the one.

He then had "issues" in his life, and started pushing her away.

She tried to stand by him, but got impatient. How long is one to wait? Not forever...

Although, she was ever hopeful that things would get better...(perhaps by her birthday?)

She had promised a bride-to-be that she would go to the Bridal Expo with her...(to get ideas of her own, i think.)

But the night before the Expo, he broke her heart. It was over.

She powered on the next morning and went to the Expo in support of the bride-to-be.

Only, she gets slapped in the face with the realisation that she may never be so lucky...

Pretty bridal gowns...pretty flowers...pretty diamonds...pretty photographic memories...pretty cakes...pretty ultra romantic honeymoons...pretty cars...pretty stationary...

Why is it so hard for her to find one guy? And she was so sure that he was the one.

He was the one that said he wanted her to be with him forever!

He was the one who said that they would never be apart!

He had promised to love her for all eternity!

And in the background, she still heard Nelson Munst laughing, going "Har, har!"


but how was i to know which way the story goes
how was i to know you'd say
you'd say you'd say you'd say goodbye...
i've always been in love with you
i guess you've always known its true
you took my love for granted
why oh why
the show is over say good bye