Mr. Big

I watched Season 2 of Sex and the City and it felt like I was watching my ex and I in the last couple of moments of our relationship.

It was gut wrenching and painful as much as it was insightful and liberating.

One moment especially on Disc 2, Episode 12 sounded a clear “ding!”

Why didn’t I remember this episode? And what is worse? The fact that what happened, I actually had a heads up on? Or the fact that this happens often enough that the writers had put it into script for Carrie and Mr Big, and my past with the ex is overtly a common cliché?

The scene that hit me like a frying pan to the face is when Carrie is told by Mr Big that he might move to Paris permanently for 3 years or so for work. What hurts is the simple fact that he says it without Carrie even considered in his “bigger” picture.

And it hurts - A LOT! (and I am speaking from example). It really shatters you when someone is planning on moving away for bigger and better things and you’re not even factored in to their plans. That this person who told you that they “loved you” didn’t think about what their move would mean to you, what it would in future entail for the relationship.

I didn’t have the luxury of this information being sprung on me in the privacy of my home or his. I was accidentally told this information when we were supposed to be having a romantic lunch for Valentines Day at a poshy restaurant in the CBD.

So, I couldn’t really break out into hysterics and although McD’s was downstairs on the corner, I didn’t have a Big Mac or a Fillet O fish at my disposal to throw against the wall near his head. I tried to stay composed and not cause a scene since it was lunch and very busy in the restaurant.

In retrospect, I should have realised that that was the beginning of the end. The demise. But I know why I kept going. I wanted to believe that I could make it work. What I didn’t understand, or more so, I didn’t want to believe that it really did take two to tango. And I didn’t want to believe that he wasn’t there to dance with me. I really thought that he felt the same way about me as I did for him. So, in the end, no matter what, it would work because we would make it work.

It was the perfect opportunity to cry all of my tears, but I didn’t. I think it was because I had realised something else the day before.

I truly believe that knowledge = power. What you know and how you use that knowledge enables you to get what you want. My mistake in the relationship was telling my ex that he was knowledgeable. I gave him the power in our relationship. I enabled him to manipulate me and break my heart as much as I did this to myself.

I don’t know why, but for some reason I had place a time limit on “love” and a time limit for finding someone to “love”. I am blind and stupid. There is no limit. Love is a verb and no amount of time can stop you from loving someone until you disappear from the face of the earth. And even then, who is to say that your love will no longer be felt by those you have left behind?

I feel empowered with this knowledge.

The other pieces of knowledge that gives me power…

He doesn’t deserve me if he couldn’t see what he had when it was right in front of him.

I have the capacity to love someone.

I knew and know what I want in another.

With regards to my feelings about relationships…I use to be a Charlotte, and then I turned into a Miranda. I soon became a Carrie and I think I’m still hovering around there…and I don’t want to be a Samantha.

If I saw my ex at the end of his engagement party with a “simply beige” type of girl…my one question would be the same as Carrie’s.

I will not be running around in desperation when I’m in my mid 30’s to find someone to marry. It will not be part of my mission statement.

The plant he bought me at the beginning of our relationship has been dying for a month now, slowly leaf by leaf, stalk by stalk. I wonder if plants share our feelings too, like pets do. I think it is definitely time to move on.

Its time to stop talking about the ex…so, no more mentioning of the ex.