The dissemination of petals...

I was going to rip myself to shreads with a critical self analysis. Its what i do at this stage, the 3 month mark. Its not that i was setting out to achieve anything in particular either. I dont want anything to happen. Thats the irony of it all. I dont want to meet new people. I dont want to find a new boyfriend. People keep asking me to get out and meet new people. Get out and you never know, you might meet Mr Right.

But, I just dont want to meet Mr Right. Maybe later, but definitely not right now.

Part of my healing process from the shift and changes is to analyse myself. I break myself down to little pieces and I usually end up feeling really crap about myself wishing that i was better in many many ways. Its like tearing the petals off a flower. Its selfish, filled with self loathing. I am left feeling completely naked and raw.

In a sadistic yet revitalising way - I have enjoyed it. But that was simply because i thought it was a way to help transform me into that better person I have wanted to be. In this bare state after being stripped down, its like having a blank canvas again. Maybe thats why i enjoy it? Its like when i draw or paint. If its blank, i can start all over again.

I was going to pursue the same route of emotionally abusing myself, but I fought myself against it.

I'm older now. Maybe not much wiser, but I've done it too many times before. What is the point of it if it hasnt helped me achieve the "better" me? What is the "better" me? I do change a little after the extensive review of my life. But nothing drastically, where hurting myself is warranted. If anything, its more the realisation and understanding of the good things i enjoy and the outcome is a review of all the things i have yet to achieve and want to go out and do.

So, i dont need to mutilate my soul to figure those things out. I just need to kick back and review my goals in life.

There are some things in the works already. I'm glad i have decided not to waste a couple of months tearing petals off, scattering them around, trampling on the petals, only to start gluing them back on to make a new flower.

Maybe i am a bit wiser?