Struggle...

You see, I have this thing with climbing the ladder. I don't mind working hard. In some ways I don't even mind the stress with dealing with incompetent people, even though I do complain about it very often...but at the end of the day, I have to accept that I will forever be dealing with incompetent people...so I had better suck it up sooner rather than later.

What I don't like about climbing the ladder is when you are put in a challenging position and realise that maybe this isn't what you want to do with the rest of your life...is it really worth it? It will only be tougher...

Yes, I need the money...thats the whole point for me...the money. If it wasn't for the money, I wouldn't be working so hard to further myself. There is that little incentive to further myself personally. But for me, at the end of the day, I need to make more money to pay off the mortgage and have the sense of financial freedom that I crave.

I have had moments recently where I have caught myself wondering if it is all worth it? Is my hardwork now going to get me to that happy place that I want to reach later?

I have been thrown in to take over a project that is of highest priority to the client. It was meant to be easy, but I'm working with ever changing requirements, and therefore the scope is so skewed I don't even recognise the tasks at hand in comparison to the Scope of Work. I'm also dealing with people who want this implemented yesterday, but they are not delivering sufficient information for me to do my job today.

Lately, while my Program Manager has been on leave, I have been doing a lot of things that were his responsibility. I was sitting in a whole heap of meetings. I have also been managing this project...What this ultimately meant, was that my own work was jeopardised and to compensate I was leaving work way later than usual. I have been driving to work because it would save me 1 hour of travel time, but saving an hour to only spend 2-3 hours more isn't a good way to save time.

I don't want to be a single woman for the rest of my life. Drained by work with no social life. Only ever wanting to go home after a hard days work to rest up, so I can face the challenges of the next day.

Right before catching up with M&D to head off to Jervis last Friday, I found myself having difficulty switching off from thinking about work. I don't want my life to be like this for the next 35-40 years. I don't want to consciously tell myself "Now its time to think about something other than the implementation that is supposed to go through tonight..."

I'm struggling. I don't know if I have made the right decision. Maybe I just need to be managing other projects...anything other than network security...*sigh*...