Work has been crazy lately. Stress levels have been really high. Energy levels have been waning. A workmate and i had to stay back on Thursday night and it wasn't fun...even though i have started to laugh hysterically - it isnt actually funny.
I have noticed that since moving to the Glebe office, i barely have time to think about anything except work. I don't respond to emails, unless its from the customers or something urgent from a manager. Everything else is low priority.
My workmates have noticed that it is Glebe. We have other things that could potentially make us feel "fast & furious", but essentially we would not have been so hard hit if we were still in the CBD.
I have started to pick up bad habits like taking 10 minute lunches at my desk...mind you the unhealthy part is that i sit on a level (in the building) that is enclosed by 4 walls and only 2 smaill windows that are tinted so that you cant look to the outside. So, its really just blank walls. (Highly secured area).
I've also started to continue working, even though i have left for the day, even while on my train ride home. I'm following up with workmates on requests, phone calls to customers, managers, et al. I'm like "this" close to carrying my laptop and wireless around to work on the train...how sad is that?
I've always said that "I work to live, NOT live to work", but it seems to me that work is starting to take over my life...and its what i wanted to prevent. 95% of the managers i know have a balance of about 75-85% work, 25-15% life ratio. They aren't 'failing' from the lack of trying to create a 50-50 ratio...its just the nature of working in the project environment.
But to their credit, they are either in a long term relationship, married, &/or with kids...and their better halves are understanding. So, they are obviously getting some things right.
My workmate and i, who are both single females, and are developing our careers in this industry have realised that we are basically screwed (apologies for the lack of finding any other word that would define it more eloquently). We both have been trying to avoid this impending moment...and now we have to look straight into the eye of the monster.
I had a panic attack last night. I called 3 friends in Sydney, who didn't pick up their phones, so that i could panic with a rational voice on the other line to talk some sense into me...but as that was lacking, i sent an sms to E, who is currently in Istanbul.
He responded in a couple of minutes, and that calmed me down a little. Funny how the person who is miles away across some oceans can respond in a couple of beats.
It was my father's birthday yesterday, so i was actually panicking while sitting in my car waiting for my family to arrive at the restaurant. And since it was Dad's birthday, i didnt want to alarm the family, so i abstained from talking to Mum about the fear that was in me.
So instead, after dinner i drove to A's place to catch up with some friends and watch Shrek 3 on A's new big ass plasma, in his new pretty, pretty apartment.
I barely took my boots off when i broke down in front of the girls in the hallway.
Its shameful, but they understood my concerns...at least that means im not over reacting too much.
I think i alluded in my last post about wanting to pay off my mortgage, building my nest egg, and potentially that now is the time to start planning if not acting.
So, im sort of stuck with a connundrum...my catch 22...
At 26, work my way to become a fully fledged project manager, my registration is 6 months (tops) from being awarded. Get flogged with work and have no social life for the next 4 years...reach 30 and have another panic attack realising that the last 4 years i should have been socialising instead of working my butt off...at this point in time have no friends, because i haven't had the time to make the effort to keep in touch, and therefore everything spirals out of control and i die lonely!!!
Have i ever told you that one of my biggest fears is dying lonely?
Its not like i can avoid work. And its seems natural to get promoted to project manager and the promotion means i get paid more...which helps me pay off my mortgage faster, and on a projet manager's rate i will have money to start building my nest egg.
So, do i choose the pending career which would free me financially or the life i currently dont even have but would like?
(lit: to work to live)
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