Let's be honest here...

I dont want to admit it. Who wants to admit the truth and be vulnerable about their feelings?

I didnt want any of this to happen. Quite frankly, it was what i was desperately trying to avoid. I want to protect my feelings and my heart. I dont want to be in a position that may lead to disappointment.

Which is often the case when you are "crushing" on a person. And it is as juvenile as it sounds. I feel like im a teenager again, with a major crush on some guy i havent even met yet.

No, its not as seedy as its starting to sound. He is a friend, of a friend of mine. There was a position that was recently available within my own company and so it all started because he was interested in that position.

He sent me emails and we just started to converse from there and it extended to messenger because he needed to ask me some questions about the role and our mutual friend gave him my messenger contact.

So, of late, we have been chatting. But i havent met him as yet. So, we still dont know what each other look like.

Initially, i wanted to keep it that way. There is less pressure when you dont know what each other look like. The crap you talk about is just straight up and thats what crap should be...

And when you are honest, because you have chatted so much and learnt so much about each other, you are brutally honest. I have learnt various intimate details about him, and its the intimate details that draw me to him. The fact that he has shared such information with me. The fact that he has felt at ease to talk about those things, has really made me feel as though we have a connection.

How ridiculous is that???

I feel as though we have a connection. And yet i need to remind myself that we have never met in person!!!

So, i have started to develop feelings for this guy...but i dont think its being reciprocated in the same way.

At some point we were talking about our physical appearance. He asked how much i weighed. Like, hello??? Who would go and ask a girl such a question?!
=P

So, it was an obvious lie when i told him that i was 90kgs...just to shut him up.

But, you know what? He believed it when i told him. And he didnt mind...and the flirting didnt stop either. Which i think makes me endear towards him even more. The fact that everything remained the same even though i thought it would upset the equilibrium of our friendship.

But, thats also the factor that has led me to believe that my "crushing" feelings arent reciprocated, not now and not ever. It will always be that we enjoy talking to each other, and thats as far as it will ever get to. The buck stops there.

I cant really complain, because it simply makes my days more entertaining, having someone to talk to and to flirt with online. I shouldnt be hoping that something will amount from it. Thats just silly and ridiculous. And yet, im having a crush on him.

And i know that if i told my friends the full story, they will try to boost my ego and my spirits and tell me to meet him and "you never know", "he may have feelings for you too". But that is definitely a set up for disaster...because i will have to put my heart on my sleeve, and i dont want to do that, im not ready to do that. So, i wont be doing that. I will prolong any lunch invitation for as long as i possibly can without being a snob.

I think i need to take drastic measures and stop chatting to him. But i dont know if i can stop myself. How silly is that? I cant even control myself from chatting to a guy that i have a crush on. I feel the need to take "drastic" measures??? Because i know it will end in a disaster...*sigh*...

Gosh, im 25 with a crush on a friend of a friend, that i have never met before.

Good one Petals!