Self Analysis...

I buy gifts for my little brother...he is turning 17 in October...but i've been buying him gifts since i had the money to. People think im a really good sister...which isnt really true. Now upon reflection, i gather now that i buy him gifts because for a very very long time i had blamed him for losing my childhood!

I was six when my brother was born. I was excited, i love babies...they are so innocent and beautiful! Although i was a very independent 6 y/o...i was still a child! Up until i was pre-teens and in my teens, like about 14 y/o...i blamed his existance as the cause of my lack of a childhood. I babysat him while my parents worked. So, i was unable to go out and play with the kids on the street like i use to.

I was homebound and it felt like i was living in jail (over dramatisation, but i was a kid).

I think i subconciously buy my little brother gifts to make up for all the times i wished that he would just disappear and give me back my childhood, all the times i missed being with my friends.



As a little girl, i actually wanted to be a mother and have 2 children. *gasp* Which really goes against everything i say today, doesnt it? I'm trying to find out as to when, at which point in my timeline did i decide not to get married or have kids. I believe all girls want to be a mother &/or have children at some stage of their life. Some just change their minds along the way. And i happen to be one of them.

My perception of kids now, if they are my niece or nephew...then i look at them with love but i still have little tolerance for their tantrums. To be their mothers, oh my gosh...i wouldnt survive!

I still recall wanting to be a mother when i was in primary school...my mind must have changed when i was in high school...is it just me being selfish? I keep telling myself that i'm actually being selfless. I'm giving up the opportunity to be a mother, because i forsee that i will be a bad mother. I dont think it would be right to be a mother and responsible for another's life, when i'm irresponsible with mine!

But what about marriage? My one greatest fear, as far as i can remember was to die lonely, this was when i was younger...Today, i quite enjoy my alone time...i no longer fear dying lonely...maybe that is why i dont actually care to be married.

I've taken some time to consider that maybe it is because i am a self-confessed-commitment-phobe. By choosing not to marry I actually eliminate the commitment! Problem solved...self preservation? I dont know what makes me a commitment-phobe though...my friends think im picky...some friends think that i choose to go out with guys who are "not good enough" for me, they think i deserve better. Maybe that is true, and if i go out with a guy "not good enough" for me - it will be unlikely that i will commit...once again, eliminating the commitment problem!

My fear of commitment, where does that come from??? I'm not sure...that i have yet to discover.



My love for mint-flavoured things...what does it mean? I love peppermint tea...im pretty sure i have mentioned this on my blog before. There is something about the smell of minty-fresh-goodness! That lingering freshness in your mouth after taking a sip of peppermint tea. It is an acquired taste, id admit...but gosh i lurve it!

I like minties too...i even do that thing where u tear up the wrapper and see how long you can get it. I actually won a school competition back in primary school for making it ultra ultra long! I think i got a voucher of some sort. hehehe

Maybe it reflects my liking of things "fresh". I like perfumes and colognes that are "fresh", like which girl doesnt love the smell of Armani's Acqua Di Gio? or Darvidoff's Coolwater? And if i wasnt allergic to freshly cut grass...id love that too! I lurve that fresh smell of the ocean in the early mornings..."Callala Beach, oh how i miss you!"



A part of self analysis, is that when you ask urself some questions, (maybe its just me) but i feel you can resist in telling urself the truth. Hold out from being deeply honest...trick urself from revealing what you dont want to admit.

So, this was just a bundle of my mumbo-jumbo!

Have a nice un-psychotic day!
^_^