Hope...less

I walked thru the doors after the gym last nite and i saw the handcarry bag in the hallway.

I said to my father: "She's going to Vietnam, isnt she."

I walked into their bedroom. She looked flustered and frantic. She just got word...She wasnt well...in the hospital...my cousin in Melbourne was worried.

I went about to make my drinks in the kitchen, and she came in shortly, looking for the camera, film, medicines - just in case she felt sick overseas. She just...didnt know where everything was. Although, she was the one who put them in their places. So, everything she said she couldnt find - i got for her, even though it was right under her nose. She tried to hang this bag up, and got really frustrated when it wouldnt stay, so i took the bag off her, and hung it up for her.

I've seen her like this before...i felt sad in anticipation.

She said she felt empty this morning, like something was missing. I told her that she was just really worried, unable to sleep, which is why she felt funny.

She told me to call her during my lunch, to confirm if she got a ticket or not for an evening flight. So, i called her today at a quarter past 1. She said that she got a ticket to a flight that was stopping all over the place, but it was the earliest our travel agent could find to book. She asked if i could leave work early, i said i would ask my manager.

My manager was nice, he asked if i wanted to leave then...so i did.

I got home, and once again she was really frantic...trying to finish all of her work and trying to get the house in order before she left. I did the little chores, and asked her not to worry about the other odds and ends...that i would fix them up after. She said she couldnt, that it was right in front of her face. I think she was nervous and wanted to keep the momentum of doing something, instead of waiting aimlessly.

I got in the car with her when it was time to leave, she advised me to call my cousin after 8pm and ask my cousin to get her brother in Vietnam to pick Mum up at the airport. I said i would.

Right as she got out of the car when we got to the airport, she reminded me again to call my cousin. I said i would.

So, there Mum was...heading to Vietnam to see Her.

When i got home from the airport, it was 10 to 8. So, i decided to pack the rest of my gear for the long weekend.

My little brother called out to me that it was 8pm. So, i went and called my cousin in Melbourne. I told her what Mum asked me to tell her. She said that her brother couldnt. He rang earlier to say that it was really hectic back home. That she herself would have to take a taxi when she got to Vietnam tomoro. She said that she should be meeting Mum. I told her that Mum wasnt stopping in Melbourne before Bangkok anymore, that she was going straight from Sydney to Bangkok to Ho Chi Minh city.

My cousin told me again that her brother couldnt pick Mum up. The reason he couldnt was because She had past away.

She had been put in a casket.

They were all preparing for Her funeral.

So, here i am. Stuck. I cant call Mum, she is on a plane right now. I cant call her to say that my cousin in Vietnam wont be picking her up, so she needs to catch a taxi.

Even more stuck, because i cant tell her what she really needs to know. That we have lost Her. That she missed out on saying her good byes to Her. That she cant see Her face for the last time, because the casket is closed. That i should be there for her instead of here wishing that i was.