Brave

My two nieces, they are pretty fearless…at pre-school/childcare when the teacher says “Who wants to come up here and sing and dance with me?” Chloe (4.5) would be on stage, and then Aimee (2) would follow her older sister.

When they were first born, my mother held them in their tiny blankets and whispered words of wisdom into their ears. She told them to be strong, to be brave, but to also be smart, kind and humble, among other things.

I’m not sure if she had the chance to give me such pearls of wisdom when I was a baby. She must have, she is a good mother who has and will always by my side..

The other day, we drove past the girls’ school and my mother said that next year Chloe would be going to Kindergarten at a Catholic school. She wondered whether Chloe would cry this time…because on her first few weeks into pre-school she cried a lot. Then she started talking about me and my first day at Kindergarten. That my Dad had driven me to school, walked me to my classroom and once I walked through the door, I turned around and said “Bye Daddy, you can go home now!”

I didn’t cry, I wasn’t sad…apparently, I was happy to be at school. And to be honest, my memories of school are pretty darn good. I had my share of personal health problems…tonsillitis and asthma doesn’t mix. So, when we would do fitness and my tonsillitis was acting up…I would have an asthma attack, which is never fun as a kid (or even as an adult). Thankfully I’m over the asthma and the attacks are now distant memories.

I don’t have to carry an asthma inhaler and I can actually run…I’m feeling pretty impressed with myself that my fitness is really good at this very moment…I could almost be an athlete. (No…not really…but I’ll fool myself with that thought! *hehehe*)

My mother proclaims that all of her children are strong and brave. I wonder if it was because she had whispered in our ears to be like that. Do you think there could be a connection between how you were brought up, to whether or not you are brave now? Or is it something you were just born with? Was I wielded this way by my mother, and if so, does that mean I can blame her for creating the monster that argues back to her (not meaning to) when we are arguing?

Its not that I’m trying to find an excuse for my sometimes irrational fearless behaviour, I take full responsibility for my actions. I just want to understand how some people are so brave while others are not.

And what makes me so competitive? A girl friend asked me “what keeps you motivated to go to the gym so often?” I told her, because I feel fat and I don’t want to be fat, so I need to lose the fat! My clothes started feeling tight around the waist band. I have time on my hands now, why not use it to cultivate a healthier me?

The fact that there is a competition running at the gym makes it easier to stay motivated. I set the record last night. I beat the longest time for the women, and the longest time for the men. The time to beat overall was 9 minutes 22 seconds, which was unchanged since the weekend. My time, (I finally got my arse off and asked a trainer to time me) was 13 minutes. I was running on low fuel and had a sore right knee. The last time I ate was at lunch, 12:30pm (got timed after 6:30pm), so I plan to boost my energy the next time I try, right before I make my next entry. And the aim is to hit 15 minutes.

I’m competitive and I want to beat the boys. But without the comp, I would be competing against myself. At the end of the day, there is only one person I really need to better at any game or competition, and that’s me. This whole Endurance Test has really shown me that I can go far beyond what I believed to be my limit. I braved the negative thoughts and pushed myself, further and further and further.

What I ended up achieving is about 6 times more than I thought I could do. I was only planning on hitting 2 minutes. But by taking little steps at a time and I ended up doing something amazing!

I wasn’t planning on writing about this or talk about this in such a light, but I’m glad I did. I need to remind myself that I can achieve HUGE things, it just takes time, but if I persevere I will reach my goal. I will get what I want. I should believe in myself. Just be brave.

I’m grateful that my life has turned and gone in a different direction. I should be upset and I was. But I’m learning more about myself every day. I am learning to approach things in a different way. I am learning to love and smile and acknowledge who I am. I am appreciating true friendship that never fades. I feel as brave as I did that day I told my Daddy to go home.

I think I just hit an epiphany.