Hazy weekender...

I went to Paddington on Saturday. I got f@#$en depressed.

Everywhere i turned there were beautiful couples. Every second beautiful couple was asian. Talk, slim, good looking and trendy. They were everywhere!!! I walked into the markets thinking i could escape the masses on the street, but to no avail. They had infiltrated my market!!!

I went in a mad search for my ice cream cookie man, thinking that the ice cream sandwiched between two yummy cake like cookies would ease the pain and insult of seeing all these beautiful people...but alas, it was not meant to be. He must be hibernating during the winter...

=(

I think i would have bursted out crying had i not talked myself out of it. Instead, i walked on with my head held high, at a stealthy pace to get to the bus stop and head back towards inner city...away from the gorgeous and trendy in Paddington.

My usual pick-me-up became a let-me-down. What was it about that Saturday? Were they holding some convention for the beautiful and down right handsome? And what i really want to know, is where the hell can i find a good looking partner like that who will carry my bags? Cos other than that Saturday, i hadnt seen any around!!! Albeit, these were holding hands with their partners (very far from single)...and i really shouldnt have been looking...and im not even thinking about stealing them either...thats karma i dont want to have!

Point being, it made me feel shit for the rest of the day...

Which brings me to the house party i attended to that evening...L and E were invited to their Italian teacher's housewarming sorta shindig. I was a tag-along and so was G. On the car ride to L's place, i was complaining to E...when we got to L's place and went inside, i complained to L. To add to the mix, it was freezing in L's place...its spacious with just us in the living room...no body heat to keep us all warm.

Then its revealed that this house party is going to be in the backyard. That was the last straw, we needed liquor to keep us warm...to at least get us started before we freeze our butts off! L went to the kitchen and brought back some watermelon schnapps and 3 shot glasses. I basically had the equivalent of 1.5 shots. But i dont do shots...so this really got me going.

When G arrived we all piled into E's car and headed off. We started talking about something and i started laughing and i just couldnt stop. I knew i was laughing too, but i couldnt stop myself!!! And then L started laughing because i couldnt stop laughing...G was just getting freakin scared sitting next to me!

I think the plan, although unsaid, was to get me happy with booze, since i was so f#$%ing depressed.

When we arrived we couldnt find a way into the backyard for the party, and then we realised we could go via the side of the house. There was a rush of seeing a number of people who had started the party. There was a gas outdoor heater to help keep us warm. There was also this wonderous warm boiling wine in a pot - Glühwein [usually prepared from (not too expensive, sometimes outright cheap) red wine, which is heated and spiced with cinnamon sticks, cloves and sugar]. L had brought with her some strawberries and apples dipped in chocolate, and some coconut macaroons. Which was all very yum!!!

There was so much delicious food, and im glad that i had tried a few things and i had eaten more there (even though i had dinner at home), because after my first cup of Glühwein, i had some Canei - sparkling white wine. It was so good that L suggested that we should finish the bottle. So, she went and grabbed it, poured me a full cup, her a full cup, E half a cup and thats how we finished the bottle (already half empty)!

After the Canei, we went back to the Glühwein, just before that ran out too. And after the Glühwein we had some muscat. I think by the time we had the muscat, i was a goner...i was definitely happy...but i didnt feel like puking, so i can only assume that my tolerance of alcohol has upped a level.

As the drunkeness progressed, there were a lot of interrogating questions from L & E, and those questions were thrown back in their direction. I think G was the only one who walked away from that party sober and was probably wishing he was drunk so that he could forget our conversations. I like the fact that we can be frank and then we can turn around the next day and say that we were drunk. I'm glad i was depressed, because i really needed a drink to unwind (although, i ended up with more than 1 drink...)!

I'm also glad, because after Saturday night's events, i had the courage to make contact with my ex but i couldnt get through, so i left him a message.

In my drunken state i heard the first message on my mobile, replied something along the lines of "im a bit drunk right now, speak to you tomorrow..." then it appears to me that he tried to call to check up on me, because i'm never drunk. I obviously fell into a deep slumber and didnt pick up. So, instead he left me a message that i didnt see until 9am the next morning.

Amazingly, no hang over.

So, it was Sunday morning and i called him back. We chatted. There are still some things at his house that are mine and i wanted to go pick them up...like an apron (xmas present), a bathrobe (xmas present), a moose, cookbook, etc. So, i arranged to pick them up Sunday afternoon.

I went over, he had just finished his soccer game and he was in the shower...so there i was, freezing my butt off in the cold waiting for him to get out of the shower to open the door for me. He then pointed out that the door was opened, i could have let myself in. I was wondering if that was something i coulda/woulda/shoulda done? I mean, yeah if i was still his gf...of course. But im not.

We chatted and i asked him for the truth. I told him i needed closure. I needed to know exactly what went wrong - if it was me, i dont want to make the same mistake. I told him that its been over 3 months! I gave him space...now he owed me the truth.

He said it wasnt me, it was him. He didnt think he was good enough. He didnt think that he was the right guy for me. He was at a place where he had no direction, he was going no where. He needed out. He admits it was his fault, he shouldnt have talked marriage with me. Things just didnt work out the way he had planned.

To be honest, in his state, he looked like someone i should pity.

And if we had tried to stick it through, i might have broken up with him a month later anyway...i have a bit more patience than i use to, but i was running low at that point.

I'm just glad to know the truth. Now it doesnt feel all that bad. Because it was him, not me. No matter what i could have done, all correct by him, he would sooner or later drift away from me, because he was at a point in his life where he needed to be free.

I did that to my ex before him. I broke up with that ex because I needed space to find myself. I needed to nurture me. I needed to be on my own. That ex didnt quite understand, because we were young. I am older, and i have worn those shoes. So, i understand that this was meant to be. (Karma coming back at me???)

I can now be glad that he did what he had to do. I couldnt see it before, but i do now. Its hard to break up with someone, especially when you genuinely care about them - i know. I believe him when he says that he loves me still - its just not love in that way. But he really needs to find himself. We will remain friends.

I saw that in his room, the collage i made for him with photos of us together and various ticket stubs, etc. was still hanging on his wall. If he really wanted me out of the picture - out of his life, that would have been taken off the wall a long time ago...so, i still mean something to him.

The photos of us in my room are still there where i had first placed them. They are small, and i could easily pack them away in a box. But i dont want to. Is it weird that i keep it there to remind me that someone use to love me? I have various cutesy things he gave me that i have put up in my room to add to the colour. I dont want to take them down, but shouldnt i? Shouldnt i detox him out of my life? He did break my heart...but i dont want to annihilate him from my world?

I feel that i should do something, but i dont know what.

And is it really necessary that i do do something?