P-plater again...

I'm driving a different car now, inherited from my older brother because he is getting a company car.

Its a compact hatchback 1.5 y/o, but its bigger than ol' bluey (my echo)...well it feels bigger...i sit down behind the wheel and it feels like it has swallowed me whole...which isnt a bad thing if you want to feel petite like a size 6 when you are really bigger.

I've had a license to drive since i was 16...so i have been driving for 10 years almost, and yet place me in a different car and i feel like im a teen, fresh walking out from RTA with my newly printed license in hand. I'm not saying that i am the best driver. Obviously i'm not, since im freaking out about driving another "just as" compact car. But im not horrible at driving either. I'm somewhere in the middle, on the better side of the scale.

My echo was 6 years old...actually almost 7 years old. The engine started to sound funny even though it was serviced on a regular basis. It was my car, so i could handle it with all its kinks, but if another driver went behind the wheel, they would think that its quirks were huge faults.

It was time to get a new car...but at the same time, i didnt really want to let go. I thought about it...i've bought a house, why not buy a car too. Everyone is financing these days, and i could put the money i got from selling the blue one back into a much needed newer model. Or maybe i could find a 2nd hand car that is in good condition for the price of my bluey...

Then my brother gave me an option. Keep on paying the finance of his car and keep it as mine. Put the money from bluey into this one and lower the interest repayments as well as the duration of the financing.

So, thats what i did.

Driving to the trainstation got me freaking out. I started panicking about whether i would be able to reverse park in this car. I'm sooo stupid sometimes. I mean the car is just another small car, it isnt big like the merc i had to drive on my brother's wedding night...that was a horrible evening...

I had been awake since 5am on his wedding day, because i was also a bridesmaid and had to get my make up and hair done. I was in heels all day and by the time the wedding reception had ended after midnight, we realised that my brother and father were both sh!tfaced and couldnt drive. I was the only one who could drive the bloody merc E-class his boss let him borrow straight from the showroom floor. I was so scared i think i was driving like at 40kph...fortunately it was late at night?

So, im at the parking lot by the trainstation and i park the car and everything is fine. I think to myself, "why was i freaking out for?"

I dont know why. I'm just pathetic like that sometimes. But it made me realise that at least there are some things in this world that still gives me a rush. Whether it is an anxiety attack or a stress attack...they arent the best feelings in the world, but at least i am still feeling something.

I have been stressed about the car, whether i would be able to sell it at a reasonable price or not...or perhaps a trade-in would be better...bluey's registration and insurance would be up early in January 07, so i had to act quick...then i had my review at work and my asking for a raise didnt work out the way i wanted it to...it has been a stressful week and a half. More stressful than buying a house.

And so i realised another thing...work related...loyalty means nothing no matter how big or small a company is. At the end of the day, the company will look at what is best for them, not you. Most dont care about staff retention even though they do a song and dance about it. I've seen it in a big company, in a medium sized company and now, even in a small company - which i didnt think i would ever witness.

I always had this idealism that with smaller companies, because they got to know their employees better than bigger companies, that it would be like a family...its that way for K. There is only 10 people in her company and they support eachother as a family does, but they work for the government...i dont know if that makes a difference.

I believed that my company was in touch with their staff and really wanted to retain us. We started with about 10 people when i first began 1.5 years ago...i felt valued, i felt like a member of their team/family, i felt like they acknowledged that i was doing my part and i was doing it well...i felt like they didnt want to lose me, not now, not ever.

But after their final offer (which didnt move a millimeter from their first, by the way), i realise where i stand with them.

They initially gave the impression that i was going to be offered alot. As i was informed that there was a delay in offering me my package as they were considering the tax benefits for both parties. Then i was given the offer and the impression that they could not afford to give me so much - i was actually asking for below but close to market value btw. They took what i asked for and then came back to me 2 days later and advised me that what they were offering was more than enough for my 1.5 years of experience. Meanwhile i have 3 years experience...so they managed to make me feel de-valued and de-skilled and that my loyalty meant nothing to them, in a matter of like 3 days. But they kept harping on about staff retention.

You know, at the end of the day...even if they offered me $500 more on my package - i would have felt better about the way things turned out. I would have felt as though my line manager had fought my argument for me to my MD and that they considered that i was unhappy and they tried to make things better so that they could retain me...as they constantly remind me that they really believe in staff retention, and especially retaining me!

Lesson learnt.