Things on my mind

I think im on an onset of depression.
I'm trying to figure out new things to do, so that i can meet new people and discover new passions in my life. But it aint working and quite frankly its depressing me. Really, i should be grateful. I mean who gets to go overseas and come back to a new job and then even though having only been at the job for a month, be allowed some leave to go to Melb for a Xmas/NY break?

Me.

Okay, so i have pin-pointed a main contributor to this dismal feeling. I lack passion in my life. I have no feelings in regards to anything i do. I have tried to practice what i preach. I'm trying to escape the cycle by doing different things, absorb more. Even read more often...which hasn't really helped cos its just filling that void in me with stuf i conjure in my imagination...and so its just putting false precepts in my mind that seemingly makes things okay again.

Life at the moment seems like a travesty of what it could be.

I wonder what (in)significant change could i have made when i was younger to have modified the path that i am following now? Would it have made the difference had i learnt to drink alcohol? If i was a social smoker? If i was more promiscuous as a teen. Had i not gone to uni? If i had chosen art over physics? If i had gotten back with my first bf? If i had made a daring pass at every cute guy i had a crush on? If i could tell jokes better? If i could sing? *sigh*

So many what ifs...many in which i cant turn back the time and try out (some i wouldnt want to even bother trying out).

I mentioned the way i am feeling to a friend...he thinks its the quater-life crisis...i thought i had passed it, i guess its an on-going issue until i reach my thirty's or life seems to get better, which ever comes first!

For a moment today, i actually felt that i was 16 again. All that teen angst, that depressing self-loathing in the way i look. The loneliness which leaves me wondering whether this is it, is this as good as it can get? Its pretty shiet if you ask me! I want to scream and shout and bash the shiet out of something! In an instant my emotions run rampant, i dont know if i want to laugh or if i just want to sit, rocking and cry?

I acknowledge that life is a learning curve, from start to end...but i just wish i had a couple of plateaus in my graph of life, instead of a multitude of peaks and troughs. I also wish i got my clear skin back...i keep breaking out and i just want some clearness dammit...to the way it was when i was bloody 16, 17, 18, 19, even 20, and 21! Thats one aspect of my teen life that i did not want to ever end!

=(