I believe that i am very susceptible to falling into depression...or maybe i'm exaggerating and depression is the more stronger sense of what i have felt before.
I'm the middle child of my family and sometimes i do get forgotten, or perhaps i just view myself as being forgotten...
I have felt lonely. I have felt helpless. I have felt like being swallowed up by a gapping hole in the floor. I have wanted to just fade into the walls and disappear. I have felt the despair. I have felt worthless. I have wanted my life to end.
That was when i was younger.
Is that what depression is? Because the thing is, i have always managed to pull myself out of it without help from anyone...well, not direct help of knowing that i actually felt the way i did back then.
I envision depression to be something so great that it is sooo hard to knock back. An addiction that is too hard to kick without proper intervention.
A friend once told me that i was resilient. I didnt believe him at the time. My heart was in the process of being bruised. But he was right. I am a tough girl.
Maybe it comes from being a cynic. I'm very skeptical of most things in life. I still hope that there is some good out there, but i'm more inclined to assume the worst of anything until i am proven wrong. It is my armour in facing the world. I see it as a glass half empty and I prevent myself from getting hurt or disappointed. So, i am extremely organised and prevent the worse from happening to me.
I believe that this is why i am good at what i do for a living. If i stay organised, i stay in control. I account for issues and risks, but its assessed and i know that i can handle them if they pop up. On the rare occasion something i cant handle will appear, but i know that i can still handle it.
If what i went through, in those years before was depression...when the first time it happened, something must have pulled me through without my knowing. I'm not sure if it was the perfectionist in me that said "wake up and smell the stench of impending failure looming"..."perfectionists dont end the game, they win the game"...? Who knows...but all the other times when i was feeling hopeless, i know i got myself out. And i think it all comes back to taking control.
I manage to bounce back, because i know that i am the one in control of my actions.
That knowledge is empowering. To know that you make the decision to get out of it. Slap yourself if you have to, but you are the one in control. Take stock, life is will always have waves of challenges rolling in to shore to knock you off your balance.
Balance.
From practicing yoga and pilates and seeing my physio, i have learnt that balance is the key to keeping my joints and muscles feeling fine after any strenuous workout.
I strongly believe that balance is the key for life.
I may have felt dire at times and then flipped to being ecstatic at other times, but i always come back aligned to my equilibrium. I actually do balance on one leg for 70 seconds or more, then alternate. I do this each and every day. Thats for the physical side of things. In terms of mentally and emotionally, i laugh.
I like working with a bunch of guys. They either make me laugh with a joke or two, or alternatively they bring me down to earth by making me find something to laugh about within myself.
For those who do and are suffering from depression, i hope that you do see the light - you can get beyond it. Find your inner strength. It is hard. But there is hope. Just think about how blue the sky can be after a storm. The wonder of your eyes getting tricked to see rainbows - colours, even. The joys of hearing the sound of laughter...
It helps me, to think about awe inspiring, naturally beautiful things. Maybe it can help you too.
(lit: Depression, beyond blue)
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