Torn

How are you today?

I feel uncomfortable.
I feel stripped.
I feel sad.
I feel broken.
I feel sick.
I feel pain.
I feel squished.
I feel alone.
I feel suffocated.
I feel lost.
I feel tragic.
I feel despair.
I feel sullen.
I feel tired.
I feel blue.
I feel abnormal.
I feel offensive.
I feel unwilling.
I feel insecure.
I feel helpless.
I feel distressed.
I feel ...

When i was single, i never actually felt lonely. I sought comfort and solitude from being on my own. It was invigorating being complete as one.

Being in a relationship that is in a transitional phase has emphasised to me, that i am more alone now than i have ever been. We are two trying to act as one, but there is an umbilical cord between us that is very lenghty. That length has ultimately made me feel the way i feel today.

We are detatched but semi attached and its depressing.

I can't even voice my opinion or feelings as it will affect the outcome of this transitional phase if i speak my mind. How shitty is that?

I use to feel tired and go to bed. The moment my head hit the pillow i was in sleepy land. Now, if i try to go to bed, even though i am tired, i snap back to being completely alert the moment my head hits the pillow. Because in the darkness and silence of my room i no longer switch off like i use to, i switch on now. All has been reversed.

*grrr*

Can you make things better?

No, not really...I can only keep myself busy and try to stay away from thinking too much, because thinking is torment on this occasion. It actually rests in his hands and i dont want to influence his decision.

I think im starting to affect my family...its depressing them to watch me get depressed. My brother took me out for ice cream last night...he never takes me out for ice cream! (Maybe because im not a kid anymore...but all the same!)

I need some resolution. And if possible, the sooner the better. I need closure.