Me against the world...

I think it started when i was born.

I was blessed as a beautiful baby. Ask anyone, and they will tell you i looked like a doll...perfect symmetry in the face, large black eyes like two polished onyx stones, black silky hair that was oh so thick. My face was white as snow and my cheeks were like two rosebuds imprinted on the apple.

I was the cutest thing ever.

My uncle would refuse to eat if i wasnt in his presence.

I was the first born girl for the next generation of my family - so of course everyone loved me for that simple fact. Other than that, i WAS beautiful...undeniably...simply gorgeous...breath taking even...cute as a button...*sigh* But i grew up...turned ugly and it does feel like the world is against me.

I use to study until i basically had no sleep at nite just so that i could achieve my best...It all started in Year 9 in highschool...beginning of the end...it turned out not to be for my best after all...*double sigh*

Its like every time i try...i succeed in failing.

Relationships...dont even talk to me about that subject.
Failed #1/2...which wasnt really a relationship at all...
Failed #1...bad choice?
Failed #2...another bad decision taken...
Failed #3...i actually thought i was ready for a relationship again...

Note to self: You will never be ready you commitment phobe!

Im in my 5th year at Uni doing a degree that im uncertain as to what i will do with it once i actually get it. And even that is in itself a big "IF i get it". One subject lingering...and im so scared that i will fail it AGAIN...i may be reduced to tears soon...exams are only 4 weeks away!!! *panic attack*...i still dont feel like ive learnt anything this semester...*even bigger sigh*

...and...?

I was overweight as a kid...well i wasnt really...but being asian...if ur slighty bigger than the average bones and skin...ur basically FAT. I was only 10 years old when i was told by someone to "diet". That someone was a person that i never thought would judge me as so, especially when they were that close to me. Imagine my self esteem...wait...unless u have been told that u are "overweight" or "fat" by ur family or family friends...then u wont know how it feels, so dont even try to imagine what my self esteem was like!

All this time...i guess i have been obsessed with losing weight...trying to achieve what i think is perfect. There was a period of time where i wasnt even thinking about it...i was just happy to be me and i was happy with the size i was. That soon fizzled, cos my confidence was shot and soon i began obsessing again...i jogged/ran around the local oval...over and over again every morning with dedication of an elite athlete...

I dont think im obsessive about it now, im just challenging myself to reach my goal.

I was fired on Tuesday 23rd Sept 2003 at approximately 1:10pm. I was going to quit...and the bloody bastard beat me to it! *Grr*...i worked really hard for that company, i even stressed for them...and this is how they pay me! I stayed out of office politics...i didnt care for the gossip...and then my ex-friggin "sexually challenged" manager decides to pick on me. I take action and he fires me cos i "dobbed" him in for picking on the staff in the department!

Trust no one...

I got home straight after he fired me and i called all my agencies that afternoon. They called back for interviews to "touch-base" and so on Wednesday i went to interviews, by Thursdays i was offered 4 different roles! On Friday i went to another interview for a position that was most flexible and i got it right away - so i accepted it then and there!

So up yours u prick!!!

I fell sick with what seemed like a never ending virus about 1-2 months ago...i couldnt take antibiotics cos it wouldnt have helped either way and the only thing i could take was panadol and my allergy medication, that wasnt really working anyways...i would cough and what i thought and felt was a chesty cough, turned out to be a dry irritating one!

This is what i get for not going to my doc for a flu vaccination this winter!

When i get sick, its like a bloody curse...i put on weight...yes yes...ino people tend to lose weight...cos they lose their appetite and pretty much just welt like a dying flower...but i, even though all i do is drink water, and i eat very little...i stack on the weight. cos i wasnt allowed to exercise...as an alternate to the intense cardio workouts i usually do, i walked 15 mins to and from work and did body balance classes to stretch and yet i still put on the weight! So much that i had rolls over the top of the waistband on my pants or skirts.

Rolls...there were rolls...

I went on my own version of a detox after researching so much on it. I avoided foods with fats/sugars/junk/fatty meats/preservatives/dairy/salt and some other stuff. I eat fresh fruits and veges, or steamed veges, beans and legumes, soya products, aloe vera juice, freshly squeezed juices...especially ones designed to detoxify or cleanse your system...like Boost's liver cleanser *yuk cos it had beetroot in it* but i drank it regardless...and it was good at flushing the body!

I started my interval training with my trainer and its been good...

I have been bigger than my brothers for so long...albeit my younger brother is 6 years younger...but now he is a teenager...i sort of prefer to be lighter in weight than he is since im shorter. My older brother was heavier the moment he got engaged and cushy with his "married man" lifestyle and he let go...literally, he let himself go!!!

And since my detoxing...i have reached a milestone! *woo hoo* I'm lighter than my younger brother. Like finally some form of redemption for my sad life...Finally the world has given back for all the times it has taken from me! This is really tiring me out...i cant keep on going on like this and just keep on taking the knock backs. I mean there is only SO much a person can take.

Once again *WOO HOO!!!*